LoZ: Celebrity Deathmatch

by Princess Ruto

Note: My first attempt at humour. Please don't judge it too harshly. And if you are a fan of Malon, don't read this.
Johnny Gomez: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to another gut wrenching edition of....CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!! And, tonight, we have a special guest. Nick?
Nick Diamond: Thank you, Johnny. Well, tonight, from the 64-bit world of Nintendo, we have the cast of....The Legend Of Zelda! And, we're going backstage now to get the scoop on the reason they're wanting to beat eachother's brains out!!!
*CUT TO: Backstage. We see Stacy Cornbread and a red headed girl who is singing an annoying song.*
Stacy Cornbread: Hi everyone!!! *Smiles cheesy smile and speaks in voice that is extremely peppy and annoying.* I'm Stacy Cornbread, and I'm here with one of the members of the Zelda cast! And, your name is.....?"
Malon: Uhhhhh......Epona!
Cornbread: And why are you here tonight?
Malon: Cos that one...uh..that one boy with the light up butterfly is pretty....uh...*Drools*
Cornbread: You mean Link?
Malon: Ummmm.......Uhhhh.......uhhhh....what was the question?
Cornbread: Well....um....I'll leave you to your....um...screeching... *Walks across room to blue fish girl who is punching a punching bag*
Cornbread: And you are?
Princess Ruto: Ruto. 
Cornbread: And you're going up against Malon for Link? Why?
Ruto: Cos he's my FIANCEE!!!!! Nobody can have him!!!
Cornbread: Your fiancee, huh?
Ruto: DUH!.....Hey, am I on TV?!? *Looks into camera and blows kiss*
Cornbread: Uh, K. Bye!!! *Walks to green haired girl who is jumping rope.*
Ruto: WAAAIIIIITT!!!!! *Runs in front of camera* Hello world!!! *Blows kisses*
*Stacy shoves Ruto offstage. Crashing sound.*
Cornbread: Hiiiii! What's your name, Sweetie?
Saria: I ain't nobody's sweetie.........But Link's....*Sighs*
Cornbread: Why do YOU say you're Link's sweetie?
Saria: Because I've known him all my life! Are you THAT stupid, ditzy? What the HECK are you on?
Cornbread: Uhhh....... PEPPY PILLS!!!!! *Smiles and begins to giggle a lot*
Saria: Whatever.... *Leaves screen*
*CUT TO: Main ring. Girls all stand in corners of ring.*
Referee: Okay, I want a good clean fight, ya understand?
*Malon is too busy singing idiotically to care, Ruto is smiling and waving to the crowd, not listening. Saria walks up to the referee*
Saria: Yeah right! *Flips ref over her head* Ha! Come on, girls! KILL THE REFEREE!!!
Ruto and Malon: YEAH!!!!
*All begin to punch and kick the referee. Assorted body parts fly all over the place.*
Malon: Oooooohhhh......Pretty......*Picks up Referee's beating heart. Puts on head.* Woooooo! *Runs around ring with no purpose at all.*
Saria: Alright, fish face! You're going down!!! *Gets a bucket of water and shoves Ruto's head into it*
Ruto: *Underwater voice* I'm a fish, you *BLEEP!!!!* You can't *BLEEP!*ing drown a *BLEEP!*ing fish!!!
Saria: *Suddenly realizes mistake* Ohhhhh! Okay!!!! *Pulls out hairdryer* Then, take this!!!!! *Turns on blowdryer*
Ruto: *Skin shrivles* Aggggggghhhhhh! *BLEEP* you *BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!* *Skin falls off, and shrivled skeleton falls to ground*
Johnny Gomez: Well, it looks like one contestant is out of the battle! Now remaining is Saria and Malon!!!
*Malon still running idiotically around ring, now barking like a dog.*
Saria: Hey, stupid!
*Malon stops running.*
Saria: Guess what? If you go outside, and run in front of those moving things that goes beep beep, you can have Linkie all to yourself!
Malon: Uhhhh.....WOOF WOOF!!!!
Saria: Good doggie!!! *Pulls out bone.* See the bone? *Throws bone* Fetch the bone!!! Good doggie!
*Bone lands in path of oncoming car outside stadium. Malon runs out to get bone, barking like a dog. Car runs over her. Guts fly.*
Saria: Yessss! I WON!!!! Come here, Linkie....*Winks and licks lips*
Nick Diamond: Well, looks like we have a winner. *Chainsaw sound* But, wait, what's that?
*Camera pans up to top of stadium. Nabooru stands in light rigging, holding a chainsaw.*
Nabooru: LINK'S MINE, LITTLE GIRL! *She cuts light rigging free of ceiling. It falls*
Saria: *BLEEP!* *She is crushed by light rigging. Nabooru jumps down from remaining stuff she didn't cut.*
Nabooru: He's mine. Oh Link......*Looks to see him in the audience with a cute blonde chick.*
Nabooru: LINK! HOW COULD YOU???? You *BLEEP!*
Link: What are you talking about?
Nabooru: Didn't you just see me kill her for you? Now...we can be together.
Link: Gee Nabie, sorry, but I'm in love with Zelda!
Link: Because! She sooo much prettier, and, um, closer to my age!
Nabooru: Just because I'm ten years older than you dosen't mean we can't be in love! Look at Tina Turner and Cher! They've dated guys half their age!!!!
Link: So what! I love Zel and that's that!
Nabooru to Zelda: I'm gonna KILL you!
Princess Zelda: Yeah right!
*The two begin to kill eachother. Link stands off to the side, laughing his lungs out. Others in the crowd begin to fight, causing a mass riot.*
Link: Hey! This looks like fun!
*Link joins in the fight. Body parts fly everywhere, hitting Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond.*
Nick Diamond: Well, that wraps up another body busting episode of.....Celebrity Deathmatch!
Johnny Gomez: Good fight, good night!
*JG and ND look down under desk. They see the severed head of Malon. She is missing an eyeball and all but one strand of hair on the top of her head.*
Malon: Good doggie.......*Giggles*
*They run offstage, screaming*
The End
    So, what did you think? Feedback appreciated at pooh1@rica.net . "Malcolm in the Middle" belongs to the Fox Broadcating Network. All rights reserved. Don't insult me for making Malon so stupid, I told you not to read this if you liked her!!!! :-) Luv, PR.

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