Disclaimer: The Legend of Zelda does not belong to me, no profit made, blah, blah, blah…

 

Notes: I ran into something recently that got me thinking about “annoying fangirls” and thus the basic idea for this fic was born.

 

I make no assumptions about Link’s canon sexuality (for any of the games) because, as I see it, he is “whatever a given player wants him to be.”  I prefer to write and read him in het fic if anything, as a personal taste and cannot be bothered to care too deeply over what other fans do with him.  However, I hate some of the stereotypes and assumptions that some people stick upon him – at least when they assume or expect that everyone follows.  Despite my own shipping preferences, I’ve made Link rather “blank” for this particular story.  I also make no assumptions about Shad’s sexuality in canon. I don’t think he’s shown enough in the game for it. I thought giving him some interesting awkwardness for this particular story was funny.  Chances are I’ll write him differently later, as very few of my fics are heavily connected to each other.

 

Apologies ahead of time – I don’t think I’m very good at writing comedy, but I had to give this a try.   

 

 

 

 

 

PRETTY

A Twilight Princess attempt-at-humor Fan Fiction by Shadsie

 

 

The thoroughfare was impossibly long today.  Link was tired and his feet ached.  His body ached, too.  He’d been through the desert on a pig with no name, slapped violently over the saddle and barely hanging on whenever the beast took to a run.  He took a sniff at the collar of his tunic – there was still a trace of scent there.  He hoped nobody noticed. The faces of people in street as he passed by them told him that they did notice.  He wondered how they could over their generally unwashed and over-perfumed bodies.  Midna’s murmured complaining from his shadow didn’t help matters.

 

He was wounded, too, but not heavily, just a few small cuts and nasty bruises courtesy of the undead.  He’d come to town to get supplies, but he wanted to stop into the bar, too.  Perhaps Telma would let him into the booze.  The woman refused to serve him anything stronger than milk or tea – she made surprisingly good tea. She claimed that he was just a hair too young and also that it wasn’t good for a warrior to have anything other than a clear head.  It was no fair.  He’d seen Ashei pounding them down, though he had to admit that being the sober spectator to a drinking contest held between her and that scholar, Shad was pretty hilarious.  He’d never knew two people could get so sloshed that they’d come close to coming to blows over the question of “which came first, the cuccoo or the egg?” 

 

Link neared the Tent and cursed his absentmindedness for coming this way.  The Tent was no ordinary tent – it was the Tent… the Tent of Happy-Colored Doom. Well, that’s what Midna had taken to calling it.  Link had won a very nice quiver from the shady purveyor of the Tent in a game that only those the lightest on their feet could win. It was actually a scam and Link had only won via the use of a particular weapon he’d had on hand.  He’d hoped that his win would expose the nature of the scam to onlookers and that the Tent would be shut down.  Instead, the denizens of Castle Town were as oblivious as always.  The purveyor had challenged him to a modified version of the game to be completed at some later date.  That man gave Link the shivers whenever he thought about him.  There was something about him… something childish, yet slimy. 

 

Link really wanted a bath now. 

 

The shyster, however, was the least of his worries in coming near the Tent.

 

“Squee!” 

 

Great, he’d been noticed. 

 

“It’s HIM!” 

 

The fangirls.

 

It was too late. 

 

He could not run.

 

He was surrounded. One red head, one blue head and one green head bounced around him. The faces blushed and the eyes were starry. 

 

“Oh, he’s as handsome as ever! Where have you been, Mr. Star? Tell us! Tell us!”

 

“Is that a new aftershave?  You smell so… musky and manly!”

 

“Its pig-stink,” Link answered flatly.  “I’ve been riding a wild boar.” 

 

“Oooh! How exciting! You just do everything, don’t you? So brave, so strong! Have you come back here to play the STAR game again, or to confess your true love to me?”

 

“You know he’s not into you, Misha! You know what they say about guys who are really light on their feet. I should introduce him to my big brother.”

 

“Do you think he’s cute enough?”

 

“They’d sure look cute together!” 

 

The girls giggled.  Link really didn’t know what to say so he held up his hand. “I have to go,” he said.  “I have some business elsewhere if that’s okay.”

 

“Aw!”

 

“Come see us soon, okay?  No one else who’s come to play the game has been as pretty as you!”

 

“We love you, Link!”

 

“Hahahahaaha!” 

 

Link ducked into an alleyway and hoped he hadn’t been followed.  Midna popped out of his shadow and into the shade.  “Do they always giggle so much?” she complained.  “They remind me of that obnoxious red-haired little girl back in Kakariko.”

 

“Beth… yeah,” Link said, “but they’re a little older by the looks of it.  I think that’s the first time any of them has called me by name.”

 

“That’s also the first time I heard anyone call you pretty.”

 

“Pretty.  I think she meant handsome… I mean, I’m a guy.  Pretty is a word for girls.”

 

“I think she meant pretty,” Midna said with a devious smile – it was, perhaps, a little more devious than her usual smile was, which Link had not thought possible.  “Link, the pretty, pretty princess!”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Come on.  We should go somewhere where you can clean up.  You reek, Princess Linka.”  The giggling imp dove back into his shadow and they moved on.

 

Link found his way to Telma’s.  It must have been because it was late afternoon…The place was deserted save for Telma, her cat and Shad, who was sitting alone at the big table in the back. 

 

“Hey, Telma?” he asked as he came through the door, “May I go to the back and clean up a little? I’ll order something, I promise.”

 

“Sure, honey. Phew! What did you step in?”

 

“Pig.”

 

“You know where the lavatory is.  I’ll pour you some milk.”

 

“Can I get something stronger?  I need a drink.  Remember what you said to me before? Milk is for youth, whiskey’s for wounds?”

 

“You’re hurt?”

 

Link pulled down his shirt collar and chain mail to show her a shallow cut over his clavicle.  Shad stared at him. 

 

“No, not bad enough,” Telma said with a short tch. “Milk’s better for you, anyway, kid.” 

 

Link quickly washed himself up and dabbed some cologne over his tunic to try to drown out the scent of bacon on the hoof until he could give it a proper washing. He sat down at the big table across from Shad with his frothy mug of milk.  “So, where is everyone else?” he asked.

 

“On their own business,” Shad said.  “I needed a quiet place to compile some of my notes and this place is always good.  Your mentor left a while ago to go to Kakariko to see his child. Ashei and Auru should be back here sometime this evening. So, what’s going on with you, old boy?  You look a might cross.”

 

“I ran into some… unpleasant… people in town on the way here.”

 

“Oh my,” Shad gasped, “Unsavory types?  Did you get into a row?”

 

“No,” Link said.  “More like… unwanted admirers.  Do you know that tent down on the back way?  There’s a circus-type game being run in it.  I won it a while back and ever since then, there are these… girls that hang out around there that jump and holler whenever I’m around.  They’re nice enough, but they’re a little annoying.”

 

“Oh, you’re the one person who won that game?” Telma asked.  “I heard about that.  I hope you got a good prize.  It seems you’re the only one who’s beaten it so far.”

 

“Yeah. The prize was pretty nice, but nothing I couldn’t have lived without.”

 

“Does that Ilia girl know about your admirers, hon?”

 

Link noticed Telma’s raised eyebrow.  Her expression was somewhat cheeky, somewhat angry. 

 

“No,” he said.  “She’s still recovering in the village... trying to find herself again.  I don’t want anyone to know about these girls! They’re embarrassing!” 

 

“How so, dahrlin’?”

 

“Well, for one, they follow me everywhere,” Link complained.  “If I go by that street, I’m sure to catch them sneaking around behind me and snickering – I can’t even get anything done!” Link quickly looked to the bar’s open door, just to make sure there wasn’t a red, blue or green-haired head somewhere just beyond it, “and… I know I’m good-looking, but I’m not really used to being fawned upon… and they make all these assumptions about me.  It’s weird.”

 

“Assumptions?” Telma asked.

 

Link looked down at the table and his ears drooped.  “One of them wanted to set me up on a date with her brother.”

 

Shad stifled a small gasp.  Telma laughed. 

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

“Well, that’s unusual.  Not everyone in this city is quite so open.  There’s Bruno and Jake who come in here sometimes, but they’re definitely the exception.  Nice guys, but definitely not the stuff of girlish dreams.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Link asked. 

 

Telma set to wiping out a dirty glass and gave a knowing, deeply worldly sigh.  “Young girls sometimes - and some older ones, too… some of them… perhaps it is just a fad… tend to think it’s rather nice to see two handsome young men get together. Its fine enough if they want to, but…  Don’t let anyone pressure you into anything, honey.  You do just want you want to and be true to yourself.”

 

“But I’m not - !  Well, I guess I never really thought about it before, actually… romance, I mean.  I’ve just not thought much about it with anyone yet… girls or guys…too much else on my mind.  There are some people I’ve thought I kinda liked… but… I…why am I suddenly talking about this? Why? What? They barely even know me!   Why would these girls just assume what I would like?”  Link was grabbing his head with both hands and shaking. “It’s weird!  I feel all weird now!”

 

“So innocent,” Telma said with a smirk.  “No wonder they fawn over you.”

 

“Do they have our ears?” Shad asked, pointing to one of his own long ears.

 

“Hmm?” Link grunted, “I can’t tell… the way they wear their hair conceals the tips of their ears. What do ears have to do with anything?”

 

Shad drew a small book from beneath the table, different than the one he carried with the dagger-bookmark.  “There are certain stereotypes regarding elves…”

 

“Elves? What are elves?”

 

“Ah! I was sure that you’d need to be enlightened on the subject.  Not many native Hyruleans know about elves.  They’re mythic creatures, supposed to live forever, to be one with the forest and whatnot.  The legends say that they are creatures heavily connected with magic and that they generally have pointed ears, like Hylians.  Some believe that we are related to elves… if they were ever real. They’re in stories passed around by some round-eared human travelers.  Some visitors from other countries confuse us Hylians with them.  Unfortunately, there are some odd stereotypes connected with male elves, including, for some people, that they are gay.”

 

“What?” Link asked. 

 

“It’s something that’s unfortunately worked its way into the common thought of many of our immigrants – even though it’s pretty obvious that we Hylians are distinct from their legends and that the greater number of us engage in relationships that produce children.”

 

“That is…bizarre.” Link said, contemplating his mug. “I never heard any of this in Ordon.”

 

“Do you wish to hear a story most strange?” Shad asked, and then he told it anyway before Link could say anything.  “According to one popular legend – Ashei got a big kick out of this one when I told it to her – There is, in the coldest, most northerly reaches of the world, a fat man who employs elves to make toys, which he gives away to good little children every year on one night in the wintertime.  Yes, I have met travelers who, upon taking a look at my ears, asked me if I was an expert toymaker! The cheek of it all!”

 

“I don’t think those girls are assuming that our Link is an elf,” Telma said.  “I think they are noticing that he is light on his feet and that he’s pretty.”

 

There was that word again. 

 

“Handsome, right?” Link asked. 

 

“No,” Telma answered, “Pretty.  You are beyond handsome, honey.  You are pretty.”

 

“Pretty is for girls.”

 

“I mean pretty.”

 

Link could hear his shadow snickering. 

 

“Uh…”

 

“She’s right,” Shad said sheepishly.  He was blushing and trying to conceal it.  “Link, like it or not, you are gorgeous.”

 

“He’s right,” Telma said.  “You really do look a bit… effeminate.  A soft face, striking eyes… It’s not uncommon, it’s just that men who look like you do… well, some people make assumptions.”

 

Link’s ears drooped again. This time he looked to the floor and down to Louise the cat, who sat at his feet and mewed at him.  

 

“Oh, don’t be downcast!” Telma said.  “Yours is also the kind of look that attracts all the young ladies... assuming that’s what you want.” 

 

“Don’t I know it…” Link sighed dejectedly.  “I’m really not used to this kind of attention… I’m much more comfortable in dangerous old temple ruins, making monsters know death.  I’m sure I’ll be scarred, grizzled and ‘manly’ in no time.”

 

“People make assumptions about that, too, sometimes the same ones” Telma said. “Don’t worry about people’s assumptions, honey.  You do just what is comfortable for you when you are comfortable with it – with whom you are comfortable.  We need to deal with this world’s monsters right now, anyway – everything else can come later.” 

 

“I’m not sure what I want yet,” Link yawned.  “I just don’t like people jumping to quick conclusions just based on how I look.”

 

Shad spoke up.  “The Hero of Time had the same problems, you know.”

 

“Hmm?” Link asked, his interest gained.  “According to my family records, he’s supposed to be my ancestor, but aside from the basic legends that everyone in Hyrule knows… I honestly don’t know too much about him.  Would you know more about him, Shad?”

 

“He has been a subject of great interest for me, yes,” Shad said giving Link something of a bashful gaze.  “I’m surprised that your family did not regale you.”

 

“My parents used to tell me stories, but… they died when I was very young,” Link admitted.  “There have been a lot of…gaps… for me as far as my heritage goes.”

 

“That is a shame,” Shad sighed.  “He was truly a great man.  I imagine that you have been heavily compared to him of late.  In fact, when I first saw you… in those clothes…”

 

“I know,” Link said, holding up his hands. “You thought I was a cosplayer, anyway…”

 

“And very pretty.”

 

Link blinked. 

 

“He was raised in the forest by the Kokiri” Shad continued, “ – a race of children that the people of other lands describe as… elf-like, even to being of the enslaved, toy-making variety, which is very funny to me because all the reliable histories describe them as very free-spirited.  He had very good relationships with faerie-kin, to the point that some called him a “fairyboy” which, while to the people of Hyrule simply denotes someone who befriends fairies… can have some other implications in other lands as I have learned.  I’m sure he wasn’t even aware of those implications.”

 

“Well, he did create descendants, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. That ought to say something about people’s assumptions.”

 

“And it is wise not to assume yourself,” Shad said.  “One can never know all of the affairs of the people of the past.”

 

“Hmm. All I’ve ever heard regarding my family was men and women married and having kids all traditional-like.” 

 

“The Hero of Time, too, was very pretty.  Prettier than you, actually,” Shad said with another blush.

 

“How do you know? I don’t trust paintings… artists of the royal court have a way of idealizing things. Artists, in general, have a way of idealizing heroes.” 

 

Shad smiled broadly.  “Some time ago, I procured a very rare pictograph.  I have it with me. Would you like to see it?”

 

Link nearly fell out of his chair.  He sputtered. “Really?” he asked, incredulous.  “Yes! Yes!”

 

Shad opened the little book he had with him and gently, extremely gently, drew something from between its middle pages.  “This was taken of him at age nineteen, sometime after he came home from the land of Termina.  The background appears to be one of the shores of Lake Hylia.”

 

Link gingerly took the picture, cautious to keep his fingers lightly upon the edges and not upon the surface.  He gasped.  “I’ve never had the privilege to see an accurate picture of my ancestor.  This is amazing.”

 

Then he took one long look at the sepia-toned pictograph. His eyes went wide.  

 

“Oh, that poor, poor bastard.” Link said, stifling a chuckle. 

 

“I told you he was pretty.”

 

“Oh, great-great grandfather… the fangirls you must have had!”

 

“Indeed,” added Shad.  “Aside from the common assumptions, it’s been told that he had ladies all over Hyrule fawning at his feet – like the girls at your tent.  He even got a marriage proposal from a Zora.”

 

“A fish-person? Really?  That is too funny.”  Link returned the pictograph to Shad, blinking back tears.  “He really was too good-looking.  Poor sap. He must have never been left alone.”

 

“You know what they say old boy,” Shad said.  “Some are cursed with awesome and blessed with suck.”   And some, he added with a wink, “are just too pretty for their own good.”

 

 

 

Link was back on the thoroughfare as evening fell, cleverly hidden.  He overheard the trio of STAR game fans outside the Tent of Happy Colored Doom talking about the game and its contestants.  Inevitably, the conversation turned to him. 

 

“Wouldn’t you like to see him with Purlo? Purlo’s so handsome.  He and Link would make such a great couple!”

 

“If we can only hook them up, get them to kiss!”

 

“But I’d rather Link be with me!  Don’t you think there’s a chance that he likes girls?”

 

“He’s too pretty.  Guys too pretty tend not to…especially looking so much like a forest-fairy…”

 

“Nuh-uh!  You big sister’s boyfriend’s a pretty-boy!”

 

“But Link and the emcee…. Wouldn’t it be lovely?”

 

Link sighed.  It was one thing for them to have it in their heads to try to get him to date some brother he’d never seen, but Purlo the shyster?  The guy who gave him the creeps whenever he’d stepped into the Tent to try to beat the game?  This was too much.

 

“Midna,” he said to his shadow.  “Is it safe here to transform?”

 

“Yes. No one can see us.  Why do you want to?”

 

“Midna, don’t you feel like doing a little… hunting?”

 

“Hunting?”

 

“Of silly fangirls.”

 

“Oh!” Midna laughed.  “It would be my extreme pleasure.”

 

The populace of Castle Town ran and screamed as an enormous wolf bounded into their midst.  He chased three specific individuals with gusto, nipping and lapping playfully at their heels. 

 

His howl, which shook their souls, would never be understood by their human ears.  That night, every cat, dog and cuccoo in Castle Town could hear the playful yet agitated shout;

 

“I’m not so pretty now, am I?!”

 

 

END.

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