Script Formation    Part II  (…………….still to lazy to do Novel Form)

 Firstly we do not own Zelda, it's kind of a human rights violation, plus we'd be done for treason, seeing as she is a princess and all. And also all rights are held within Nintendo, who own it all and were the creators. Because of this we should worship them.

Secondly………..Enjoy!

 Millions of years ago, Three Goddesses descended upon the Chaos that was Hyrule. Din. With her flaming strong arms created the Red Earth. Nayru. Poured her Wisdom on the Earth and created the Spirit of the Law. Farore. Created all life forms that would uphold the law.  (Basically, they created the world and stuff, but this way sounds much more atmospheric and metaphorical don't' you think?) When the Goddesses left Earth to return to the Heavens, they left behind the Triforce. Since then, the land the Triforce stood on has become sacred land, hence the Sacred Realm. Over the years there have been wars to claim the Sacred Relic. Many Years ago a Woman gravely injured rode away from the Castle towards the forbidden forest and entrusted her Son to the Great Deku Tree. I think that is how it goes, anyway let's see how things are turning out for our Heroes. (Heroes haha that’s a good one *scribbles frantically*.

 In the Sacred Realm which needs some serious refurbishment, and maybe a few chairs.

 Ganondorf: Haha gee thanks kid I owe you a lot.

 Link: Sweet I'll take cash.

 Ganondorf: Well what I meant to say was I will let you live (Under his breath) For now. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough splutter* Oh man I need to see my doctor.

 In the Chamber of Sages 7 years later

 Rauru: (In a deep and dramatic voice) Wake up, Hero of Time.

 Nothing happens. Rauru sighs and throws a cukoo egg on top of the sleeping Link, which cracks open and hence, a cukoo pops out, and squawks in his ear then runs away falling off the fountain thus falling into eternal darkness.

 Link:  ARRRGH!-(Checks watch) -Whoah look at the time!...Look at the YEAR! How long have I been asleep?

 He jumps up. Rauru looks on him dotingly and shoves bagels into his hands, as well as a mug of coffee. Link struggles and stares at Rauru

 Link:…who are you?

 Rauru: I am Rauru, The Sage of Light

 Link: (Mouth full) Well… nice to meet you (Drops his coffee) Whoops

 Rauru: AUGH (Quickly grabs a bottle of Hylian Spot Cleaner and some rags and starts scrubbing) Oh no Oh no Oh no My Gerudian Carpet!

 Link: (Swallows mouthful) Dude, its just carpet!

 Rauru: (Gets up angry) It may just be carpet to you but to me it's my life. I mean, Hey I designed the Chamber of Sages! *glassy eyes* waterfall and pillars… genius!

 Link: (looks around, unimpressed) Could do with some chairs (Quickly spots Rauru's murderous look) You know to uhhh admire its tasteful view.

 Rauru: Thank You Link. (Gives Link a kiss on the cheek)

 Link: (steps back) …Whoah Hey. Noooo Touchy.

 Rauru: Oh *ahem* that is an old Royal Hylian Tradition. (Link overlooks the fact that Rauru is neither royal nor Traditional)

 Link: Right, cos in the Kokiri it's just a quick ass squeeze and we're on our way! Well Mido did that to me and whenever I did it to anyone else they would slap me or beat me up or call out Rape. (Turns to Audience) Remember folks it’s not Rape if you call out Surprise.

 Rauru: (Stands behind Link.) SURPRISE!!!!

Link: (Pulls out his sword) Try saying that again!

Rauru: (Checks Link out, Link stands there looking slightly worried but is ready. Just in case) Oh no those clothes wont do. They are so 7 Years ago!

 Link: What?! My Kokiri tunic is like a total babe magnet and the Symbol on the Deku Shield, Totally Chic.

 Rauru: With all greatest respect it’s totally grasshopper. I wouldn't be surprised if you rubbed your legs together and made my hair curl with the noise you would make. Plus you've grown, so every time you bend over we get a flash of your ………..*ahem* anyway. Come with me.

 Several Minutes later, Link walks out fashioning his Adult Link outfit

 Link: (Looks in Mirror) Whoah, Rauru you are a Genius (Starts shaking his butt in the Mirror) I look hot.

 Rauru: Yeah ya do (Starts blushing)

 Link: ……………..Right. Hey where is Navi? I'm pretty sure she'd have something to say about Age Difference meaning everything!!! (Rauru ignores these hints to stop coming on to Link, as "subtle" as his advances are..)

 Rauru: Oh your fairy! Yeah, she is around here somewhere. While you have been frozen in time Navi wasn’t. She has stuck by your side like a companion should.

 Link: Oh man. She's gonna give me such a headache…

 Rauru: I'm sure she won't! She's been keeping herself busy with crosswords to pass the time, well, just the one. She's been on the same one all this time.

 Link: Well there isn't much room for a brain in that tiny frame of hers…

 Navi enters in tears, Link cowers, scared that she's going to be crabby from seven years waiting for him to get off his ass and save the world, but she doesn't even notice him.

Navi: Rauru! (Flies up to Rauru and grabs a fistful of clothing, on a normal sized person it would've been a pinch of clothing, but let's not go into conversion…) I'm on my last word and have been for two years ITS DRIVING ME MAD. Can you help me? It's a four letter word and its clue is "Something that holds chains together"

 Rauru: Ummmmm Link?

 Link looks startled, and then suddenly empty looking (a blonde moment, no doubt)

 Link: Urm…I'm not that good on Logic, as much as you've heard about me getting through all of those temples, it wasn't actually me…I used a walkthrough... (Bows his head in shame)

 Rauru: (Raises an eyebrow) You think I didn't know that? I first got my suspicions when I heard about you mistaking The Great Deku tree for a shrubbery the first time you went to see him! Anyway, I wasn't asking you! You think I'm a complete nutter? The ASNWER is Link.

 Navi: (Suddenly angry) WHAT!? I HAVE BEEN FIGURING IT OUT FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS AND THE ANSWER WAS SHOVING ITS UGLY HEAD IN MY FACE!

 Link: Hey! I'm the Hero of this damned RPG, it's compulsory that I am good looking- you think they'd cast someone like that Magic Bean seller for my part?

Rauru: Probably. The writers had to cut some budget and he was the only one who would do it for free. So far they are lying to you and are saying they are putting money into your account. Also you cannot touch it until you are 21.

Link: Dammit.

Rauru: Yeah and…….(only Rauru hears a gun cock behind him and mysteriously a piece of paper falls into his hands.)

Karl H: (Behind Rauru pointing the gun at his head.) Read it out aloud.

Raur: I Rauru the Sage of Light am forced…………….. (Guns cocks again.) I mean am saying this on my own free will. The writers are indeed putting money into your swiss account and you will only get it once you are 21. What I said before was the truth.…………….(Gun Cocks once again.)…….I mean what I said before was a complete lie. Thank you for listening.

Karl H: Thank you for Reading. (Disappears to write more Zelda fan-fics.)

Link: Oh that is a relief. I thought you were lying about me not getting paid.

Navi: *ahem* Do you mind if I get back to what I was doing?

Link: Oh right. You are still here.

Rauru: Go Nuts.

 Navi: AAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH (Slaps Link in the face as she passes in a flourish of glitter as she furiously scribbles "TWIT" instead of Link's name in the crossroad)

Rauru: I was only joking.

 Link and Rauru struggle to not laugh, and Link quickly sobers up as Rauru tries to hug him.

 A minute later.

 Link: (Brushing off his clothes from where Rauru had touched him) Sooooo……………. why was I frozen in time?

 Rauru: OH that's right. Well someone left me a note, something about you saving the world, it being your destiny to conquer the greatest evil imaginable- SOMETHING along those lines. But well I got tired of waiting seven years and basically you became a tourist attraction as you grew older and sexi- *ahem*  anyway we put up big signs out the front gates saying ‘COME SEE THE AMAZING ELF FROZEN IN TIME.’ We had the whole Theme Park going on but the last two years were a bit of a drag so I just said “Hey I’ll just let him go.” Anyway I got some snap shots… (Hands link some photos)

Link: (Link flicks through some photo’s with people pulling bunny ears over his head and shoving fingers up his nose) Well looks like SOME of them captured my good side. Hey what’s this (Link pulls out a photo of Rauru wearing a Man thong) Ummmmm. Well………….Umm Navi what do you think?

 

Navi: (Takes the photo out of Link’s hand and takes one look at it and starts flying around like mad laughing before smashing into a pillar and the photo falls into Links hands once again except he notices a message on the back)

 

Link: Hey what’s this (Turns photo around With a note on the Back saying ‘To Link. Hope you like this photo I took it just for you. Love Rauru XOXO and there was a lipstick mark on it.) Ummm Rauru. What. Is. This? (Shows Rauru the Photo)

 

Rauru: THAT’SFORMYOTHERFRIEND!!! *ahem* (snatches picture away, and tucks it in his robes, in the place above his hair) For Link uhhhh you know Link from uhhhh Kakarikko Village she is a girl if you should know (Shudders after saying the word Girl, then a tube of lipstick falls from his sleeve. But he quickly gathers it up.)

 

Link: (Suspicious) Right. The less questions are answered the better.

 

Rauru: Anyway-more important matters.

 

Several Minutes Later

 

Rauru: ………Well that should just about do it.

 

Link: (Sits there thinking for a minute) Haha you idiot (Link moves a Bishop to Checkmate Raurus King) CHECKMATE.

 

Rauru: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I HAVE NEVER LOST BEFORE.

 

Link: You must not have played very much before have you?

 

Rauru: I have been playing for 50 Years online and have never lost before.

 

Link: OK then. When was the last time you played?

 

Rauru: Well uhhhhhhh.

 

Link: (Quickly jumps onto Rauru’s Computer which is covered in cobwebs and an inch of dust on the desk) Well according to this you last logged on 49 years 11 months and 30 days ago and that was only the tutorial. HAHA YOU ARE A LOSER.

 

Rauru: How did you figure out my password?

 

Link: It’s simple it was ‘linkishot’. Also please don’t search up ‘Link Porn’ in google search again. I hate people who do that. Especially YOU. (Points at Rauru) 

 

Rauru: *sniff sniff* Fine listen take this Medallion and get out of my sight. (Lifts arms and down comes flying the Light Medallion)

 

Link: (Lifts arms to receive it) Whoah. How does it work? Do I eat it or something? (Link gnaws the side of it) Wait a minute! This is Cardboard.

 

Rauru: Well since you’ve been stuck in slumber, our budget’s been cut by the producers- we’ve already had to use most of the solid gold to keep Ganondorf busy until you woke up! And it floated! That MUST mean it’s Magical.

 

Link: No its not, there is a piece of string attached to it (Yanks the String and looks up) Who’s doing that?

 

Navi: (Comes into view holding a piece of string) Damnit… I was hoping you wouldn’t realize- you do, after all, have the attention span of a moblin.

 

Link: ARGH! That’s IT! So far I’ve been perved on by a fat old guy, been discriminated for my costume design, been hit in the head by a pre-menstrual fairy, been tricked into thinking I had a chocolate coin to eat (brandishes cardboard medallion) and oh yeah! I’ve been forced to sleep for seven years so I have chronic BED HEAD! …also I’m being used as bait for Ganondork .. I mean Ganondorf, but girls will find that hot, I hope! The bed head on the other hand…

 

Rauru: I think it looks quite sex-

 

Link: STOP PERVING YOU OLD WARTHOG! (lunges at Rauru)

 

Rauru: AUGH (Quickly Sends Link back to Hyrule)

 

Back in the Temple of Time.

 

Link: ARGH! Damn perve magic…I shouldn’t have powered it even more by being irresistible…

 

Navi: (Pretends to be involved) Yeah let’s beat the stuffing out of him…savvy?

 

Link: (watches for a minute before pretending it never happened. The best way to avoid a mental pixie) …How do we get back into the Chamber of Sages?

 

Navi: Well it’s good to see you thinking about saving the world for one! (When in actual fact, Link just wants to sue Rauru for looking at him homosexually. Navi Thinks)………………….. Maybe we shove the sword back into the Pedestal

 

Link: Ok, let’s try that! Ya know Navi I’m starting to hate you less already.

 

Navi: (Blushes) Oh well I have been trying.

 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash

 

Link: AUUUGGGGHHHH (Shield his eyes) NAVI I HATE YOU.

 

Navi: (Also shields her eyes) IT WASN”T ME.

 

The bright light disappears and in front of the Pedestal stands Sheik

 

Link: Not meaning to be rude………….but who the hell are you?

 

Sheik: I have been waiting for you, Hero of Time.

 

Link: Here? (Gestures around cobwebbed old church) What are you- a priest?

 

Sheik: (Taken aback) Well when I say waiting… I mean gambling in Kakariko until Rauru sent me an email saying you were up- and how cute your butt is. That’s why I got here quicker than I would have…(tries to sneak a peak, but doesn’t have to try; Link does a quick twirl, accompanied by a wink. Until he remembers that Sheik is ((apparently)) a guy.)

 

Link: Then why say you have been waiting when you haven’t?

 

Sheik: QUIET!!! I have yet to introduce myself…Look at me and my clothes with these pants riding up my crotch; they aren’t exactly ordinary are they? That means I am one of the last surviving Sheikah. (this means that all people who wear weird clothes are Sheikah…Like weirdest dressing person you can think of. For inspiration look in those magazines with those celebrities there is bound to be someone in there that looks stupid. Haha I just saw someone who look stupid………….Oh right. Sorry Folks.)

 

Link: Wait what happened to Impa?

 

Sheik: (Suddenly regains mysterious voice) She is safe, Along with the Princess of Hyrule.

 

Link: OK so you’re not the last surviving Sheikah...(Sheik looks as if “he” is about to yell at Link, but Link cuts in) By the way what’s your name?

 

Sheik: Zelda (Catches self) ummmmSheik.

 

Link: ZeldaummmmSheik?

 

Sheik: No, no just Sheik  …(Pause.) I’m not Zelda.

 

Link: I didn’t say you were-

 

Sheik: -Good! (shifty looks)

 

Link: Right then I had best be off-ya know I am the Hero of time and I do have to save Hyrule.

 

Sheik: Hmph. How you are Equipped? I don’t think you will be getting very far.

 

Link: Why do you say that?

 

Sheik: Because to enter the first temple were you should find the Sage of the Forest you couldn’t even enter the Temple without a certain item...

 

Link: So where do I get it?

 

Sheik: In Kakariko Village.

 

Link: OK then cheers.

 

Sheik: I shall see you later. (Throws down a Deku nut)

 

Link: AUGH I WISH THEY WOULDN’T DO THAT (Bright Light disappears and Link see Sheik still standing in front of him) Ummmm your still here.

 

Sheik: (Looks around) Oh right-the running! (Quickly runs towards the exit but trips over the Pedestal of Time)

 

Link and Navi: Haha what an idiot.

 

Later in Hyrule Field

 

Link: Ahhhh good ol Hyrule Field it’s not much different from before.

 

Navi: Neither is the Town Market.

 

Link: Except there are Re-Dead everywhere you turn trying to eat you (Looks down at his leg) Excuse me do you mind?

 

Re-Dead: (Stops chewing) Oh sorry (hobbles off- moaning)

 

Link: Hey look Lon-Lon Ranch is still there.

 

Navi: Lets go have a look and see if the Ranch Owners can give us some answers about that item.

 

Link: Yeah and maybe we can find the Sage of the Farm there. C’mon Navi lets go.

 

Navi: (Mutters to self) Egotistical Maniac…

 

Link: I’m sorry what was that?

 

Navi: Nothing, Nothing lets just go see Malon. Shall we.

 

Later at Lon-Lon Ranch

 

Link: Well nothing has changed much since the last time we were here.

 

Navi: Except for the Fact the Horse Pen now has a gate.

 

Link: (Ignores Navi) Now where do we find that Sage. (Suddenly spots Epona because she is all red with some patches of white were we forgot to paint… Sorry) Hey look it’s my horse.

 

Navi: That’s not your horse! Malon just said it liked you.

 

Link: (Still ignoring Navi) HEY HORSIE. (Jumps the fence and runs up to Epona and jumps on but is bucked off Epona and lands at Ingo’s Feet)

 

Ingo: Well, Well, Well. Who do we have here?

 

Link: (Quickly jumps up) I am Link, The Scared … I mean Sacred Hero of Time.

 

Ingo: Wait a minute. (Eyes widen as he stares at Link…’s butt.) Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

 

Link: Ummm no, you must be mistaking me for some other God like creature. (dazzling smile)

 

Navi: Oh god.

 

Link: Yes.

 

Navi: Oh Shut up you idiot.

 

Link: (Spots Ingo once again) Oh I am……

 

Ingo: (Cuts in) Works for me. By the way, how would you like to ride one of MY fine horses?

 

Link: Sure.

 

Ingo: It comes at a COST though.

 

Link: *sigh* How much?

 

Ingo: 10 Rupees for a minute.

 

Link: That’s a steep rate! Mobile phones haven’t even been invented yet and you’re even worse now!

 

Ingo: Did I mention that you get to ride ANY horse you want. I tell you what, I will let you ride for free if you can tame that red horse.

 

Link: Sweet! (Pulls out Ocarina and Plays Epona’s Song and Epona comes cantering up to Link and he mounts Epona)

 

Ingo: …(all his hair falls out in shock and agitation) Well there’s something you don’t see every day.

 

Link: YAY I ride for free.

 

59 Seconds later

 

Ingo: My, my you are getting better. How about a wager? One lap around that course. 50 rupees?

 

Link: Sweet. You’re on.

 

So Link (Riding Epona) and Ingo riding a brown horse take off around the course. Link wins after throwing Deku Nuts, Bombs Bottles and cutting the straps in Ingo saddle..

 

Link: YAY 50 RUPEES FOR ME.

 

Ingo: @*%#!!!. Fine…double or nothing!  If you win you …..you get to keep (Struggles with self) th……..that horse. (You’re probably wondering why he’s betting Epona when Link will so obviously win and he doesn’t want to- well people, he has a script to abide by. However, his acting skills suck.)

 

Link: Sweet! That’s a deal!

 

Once again Link and Ingo race around the Course. This time Link wins fairly this time.

 

Ingo: GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WAS GOING TO PRESENT THAT HORSE TO THE GREAT GANONDORF. (Regains himself) …HAHA!!! I did say you get to keep that horse. However… (Quickly Closes gates and locks them) I shall never let you leave this ranch.

 

Link: OK then. (Voice gets louder and louder as he says:) But you might want to get a higher gate- because Epona Baby and me are gonna JUMP IT!!! (Epona eats some grass while Link holds up his fist in triumph. He looks down at her, sighs and slaps her backside. Epona whinnies in a frenzy and bucks Link off and he goes flying over the gate.) Augh Damned Horse. I’ll kill it.

 

Ingo: (completely over dramatically) WWWHAT THE-?

 

Link: Time to return the favour  (Throws a deku nut at Ingo’s feet, who jumps backwards to avoid it. It blasts open a random Cukoo pen and he lands on several of the Cukoos – uh oh..)

 

Ingo: (Gets up off the ground out of his Trance) Owwww my head. What has happened at this Ranch? Why am I …………. Oh no (Realises where he is and looks at the Cuckoos have all a demonic look in there eyes)

 

As all Zelda fans know Cuckoo’s HATE getting hurt so we’ll skip the blood bath. Anyway, all that needs to be said it- feathers flying, Ingo screaming, Inards flying everywhere cuckoos squawking. Graphic enough?

 

Link: Yay I saved the Farm from the Evil Boss “The Luigi look-a-like INGO” (Somewhere off in the distance Thunder starts to Rumble.) Now I can find Malon, Get the Farm Medallion and go on a hot date. Now where is it? (Looks around for the blue portal) Well that sucks now I have to walk and try to find her. Wait I know I’ll call Epona and we can find here easier. But first where do we find Malon?

 

Navi: Maybe she is in the Barn?

 

Link: (Ignoring Navi) Maybe she is in the Barn?

 

Navi: (bored voice) Sure, OK lets all just ignore the Fairy called Navi.

 

Link: Sure I can do that. I’ve managed to sleep through all your screeching for seven years, haven’t I?

 

Navi: (starts to scream, but all Link can hear is white noise)

 

Link: (Plays Epona’s Song and Epona come cantering up and knocks Link over) AUGH. Damn horse. When I’m done trying to find you I will kill you. (Mounts Epona and Draws out his sword and points it in the Direction of the barn and dramatically yells out) To the Barn Epona.

 

Epona: (In horse Language) I’ll kill him when we are done finding my Mistress. Hehe I know I wont move and I’ll make him walk the whole two steps to the barn. Good One Epona. Also I wont do easy things like go into Kokiri Forest, Go up to Kakarikko Village, Go into the Desert and Go into the Castle. He can get off his fat, lazy a$$ and do it himself.

 

Link: Come on Epona. Lets go. (Epona stays still not moving except her tail which casually flicks every so often). Augh damn horse now I have to walk the whole two steps to the Barn. That’s just pure evil right there Folks.

 

In the Barn……..After two steps

 

Link: I don’t see…… (Spots Malon in the Cubicle next to him) Hey baby. How have you been?

 

Malon: Excuse me who are you?

 

Link: (Strikes a pose) I’M the Fairy Boy remember?

 

Malon: I’m sorry I just can’t see it.

 

Link: What ?!? How can you not see it? I’m wearing my Green Tunic With my Trusty New Sword and Awesome Hylian Shield.

 

Malon No I meant the Fairy.

 

Link: Oh. Right. (Pauses before reaching into his hat and ripping our Navi and throwing her above his head where she flies around.) Bear with me please. She IS annoying.

 

Malon: (Gets up, surprised) You are the Fairy Boy! You look too handsome to be the Fairy Boy I knew.

 

Link: Glad you see it my way. Although my way would be that I’m hot ALL the time. Oh wait I am already hot all the time (Mutters under breath) Good One Link.

 

Malon: (Steps towards Link) It is great to see you but-(Kicks Link in the Groin)

 

Link: (Bends down in pain) AUGH. WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

 

Malon: (With every word she punches Link in the gut) WHERE WERE YOU WHEN GANONDORF TOOK OVER HYRULE HUH? (Punches Link in the face) WHERE WERE YOU?

 

Link: (Regains himself) I was frozen in time.

 

Malon: Don’t give me the oldest excuse on the parchment! (Dumps the Milk bucket over Link’s Head) GET OUT.  GET OUT.

 

Link: OK, OK I’m going (Quickly jumps out the door as a milk bottle smashes over his head) Great Malon hates me…! Let’s just hope Zelda doesn’t hate me either.

 

Navi: Don’t get your hopes up Link.

 

Link: (Rubs his chin) I wonder if she is as hot as me after 7 years.

 

Zelda: (Mysteriously out of site and whispers to self with tears in her eyes) Awwww thanks Link.

 

Link: Or maybe she has gotten as Ugly as Ganondorf.

 

Zelda:………………….!? He’s in for PAIN!

 

Suddenly Zelda and Ganondorf appear from nowhere and start to beat the stuffing out of Link.

 

Ganondorf: (With every word he punches Link)

I….TOLD…..YOU…..NOT…..TO…..CALL….ME…..UGLY….I HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES OVER OTHER PEOPLE YOU KNOW.

 

Zelda: (With every word she kicks Link) HOW-DARE-YOU-REFER-TO-ME-AND-GANON-IN-THE-SAME-SENTENCE?!? ESPECIALLY-ABOUT-APPEARANCE!!!

 

Link: (Lying on ground with bloody nose and two black eyes writhing in Agony.) ………………………………………………………

 

Ganondorf: That should teach you.

 

Zelda: I hope you learned your lesson. (Disappears with a swish of cloak and a twinkle of a harp)

 

Ganondorf: NOOOOOO I HAD ZELDA WITHIN MY GRASP AGAIN AND I LET HER SLIP THROUGH. (Pulls out his Pink blanket and cuddles it) Calm down Ganny, Calm down Ganny.

 

Link: …………………!?. You have some serious issues.

 

Ganondorf: No I don’t (Disappears with a swish of cloak and a snort of a pig)

 

Link: Well that was weird, but Hyrule just seems that way after seven years. I KNEW my absence would have an impact! Maybe they should’ve realized what a pinnacle of sanity I was in this cold world, one that simply needed my presence, just to keep it within it’s wits…the realization of how you are the most important person in the world really is beautiful…(all this time, a violin quartet has been playing a sombre tune, and Link is now suddenly clutching a rose with tears in his eyes)

 

Navi: (completely oblivious to his moving and completely self-centred and big-headed prophecies) Haha you got beat up.

 

Link: How about you SHUT up.

 

Later in Kakarikko Village

 

Link: Well nothing has changed here.

 

Navi: Except it has more people, not Zombies.

 

Link: (Subconsciously rubbing the love bite that Re-dead had given him) True, true. So what did we have to do here again?

 

Navi: *sigh* we have to find an item to help get into the (Voice Echoes.) Forest Temple (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.), remember?

 

Link: Oh yeah. So smart alec, Where do we go next?

 

Navi: I prefer Alexandra……….. and I have no idea.

 

Link: (Mutters under breath) That’s coz you are a stupid fairy.

 

Navi: (breathes fire at him- Link cowers. Navi suddenly returns to sweetness and light) Maybe if we asked around town, some people would help?

 

Link: Yeah right maybe those two guys over there (Points to the guys laughing under the tree) will say where I can find it.

 

Navi: Lets go ask them then you idiot.

 

Link: Fine (Runs over to the two guys) Hey do ya know where we can find some treasure around here?

 

Two Guys: (Just stand there moving not making any nosie)

 

Link: See they don’t know. Lets move on.

 

Navi: Grrrr (Starts flying away but notices Link isn’t following) Hey why aren’t you coming?

 

Link: Oh just doing up my boots. Go on without me.

 

Navi: (Flies away somewhere)

 

Link: (Cautiously looks around and slips the Guys 20 Rupee’s each) Thanks guys.

 

Two Guys: (Speaking with an Italian accent) Thank very much.

 

Link: Now to be off……uhhh where do I go?

 

Two Guys: (Italian Accent) To the Graveyard.

 

Link: Thanks (Runs off)

 

Later

 

Link: Soo we are here now what?

 

Navi: I don’t know. Maybe we have to get up there (Points to Shadow Temple)

 

Link: Or maybe over there (Points to Dampe’s shack)

 

Navi: Why bother coz there would be a Diary telling us to go to there.

 

Link: Lets find out.

 

Later

 

Navi: You found the HOOK-SHOT go to the…..

 

Link: (Seizes from out of mid-air) I GET IT. IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN I WILL TIE YOU TO A BOMB AND THROW YOU DOWN A GRAVE.

 

Navi: Hmph.

 

Link: (Regains himself) Wow who would have thought as soon as I walked inside the hook-shot was just lying on the floor. Maybe those two guys were wrong about it being inside a grave with a gravekeeper who is continuously waiting for someone to go down there and claim it. Haha what idiots. Hey look a note. (Pulls off a piece of paper from the Hookshot.) Please come find me in my grave. Love Dampe. Yeah don’t think so buddy. Oh well maybe those two guys heard a rumour or something. What idiots

 

Navi: Yeah they make you look like….. Wait did you say those two guys?

 

Link: Uhhhhhh……No.

 

Navi: You’re an actual idiot. Do you know that?

 

Link: Oh shut up Navi and lets just go to the ……. Where do we go now?

 

Navi: You know what I have no idea. Lets find Sheik and ask him where to go.

 

Link: Yeah lets go. (Runs off)

 

Meanwhile down in Dampe’s Grave.

 

Dampe: Darn it. Because I am a ghost I couldn’t pick up that hook-shot. Oh well I hope someone finds that note I put on there.

 

Later in the Temple of TIme

 

Link: Hey Sheik

 

Sheik : (Asleep) zzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz no no I don’t want breakfast Impa can’t you see I’m fat enou……zzzzzzzzzzz

 

Link: Ummmm. Should we wake her. Him. Or Whatever.

 

Navi: Na lets see what He/She gets up to next.

 

Sheik Suddenly gets up (Obviously sleep walking) and runs out of the Temple of Time

 

Sheik: zzZZZZzzz I must save the castle. Daddy wont be pleased.

 

With their incredible speed Navi and Link run ahead of Sheik and wait at where the castle should have been.

 

Navi: Oh my god….

 

Link: Yes

 

Navi: Oh shut up there are more important matters. Look at the castle! 

 

Link: Well it doesn’t look THAT different. I mean hey we are at Twilight Hour.

 

Navi Check your watch you idiot, its mid-day. And there is a difference. It floats over top of Lava and it has clouds going around it like a Cyclone.

 

Link: Oh yeah. I see they decorated a bit.

 

Navi: *sigh* Fine whatever.

 

Suddenly from behind them Sheik comes running and slips and falls down into the Lava

 

Sheik: Zzzzz…. Huh wha…. This isn’t the Temple of Time. And why am I falling. YES I HAVE FINALLY MASTERED TELEPORTING (Looks down) Oh No. AAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 

There is a lot of noise coming from Sheik while he is melting in the Lava.

 

Navi: Ummmm do you think we should help him?

Link: Naa there will be a noise in a minute and Sheik will appear over there (Points to the Entrance.)

Navi: Oh I see.

A noise sounds off and then Sheik appears at the Entrance

Sheik: What!? Oh I must be in heaven. (Spots Link) Oh No. He died. This must all be a dream.

Link: (Runs over to Sheik) It’s not a dream (Gives Sheik a soft punch but considering he is soft it hurts a lot)

Sheik: (Falls onto the ground holding his arm and crying) Why did you hit me hard?

Link: It wasn’t a hard punch. It would only hurt a girl if I had hit one.

Sheik: AND WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

Link: A guy. If you were a girl and I hit you then I could get thrown in the dungeon for hitting a female. If it was Zelda I just hit then I would probably get hanged or something worse than that.

Navi: Yeah and we ALL know you aren’t Zelda. She isn’t smart enough to pull something like this off.

Sheik: I CAN SO.

Link and Navi: …………What?

Sheik: (To self) Oh crap. I forgot I’m in disguise. (To Link) Haha fooled you Link. Now its my turn. Now close your eyes this wont hurt one bit.

Link: OK (Closes his eyes but puts both hands covering his parts that identify him as a male)

Sheik: (Punches as hard as he could but to Link nothing happened)

Link: You can hit me now.

Sheik: Dammit. Hey look over there (Points into nothingness)

Link: What! Where? (Looks around)

Sheik: Hehe. RUN AWAY.

Later

Link: (Turns around) I don’t see anything…… Oh. Sheik left.

Navi: Oh well lets go.

Link: Where to?

Navi: OH NO WE FORGOT TO ASK SHEIK WHERE TO GO!!!!

Link: Don’t worry little bug.

Navi: Oh shut up. Hey Link look at that. (Points to a note on the ground)

Link: (Picks up the Note and reads aloud) 1. Pick up dry cleaning 2. Learn to play the harp 3. Remind Link and Navi to go to the Kokiri Forest. 4. Tell Link and Navi about the other Temples. (In case of forgetting they are Forest, Fire, Water, Shadow and Spirit in that order except the last two can be done in whichever way they wanted.). 5. Meet that prince who keeps bugging me.

Navi: You see what this means.

Link: Yes of course.

Navi: (Surprised) Really.

Link: Yeah. We have to go to the dry cleaners and give this note back to Sheik……………then kill that prince.

Navi: …………………You’re an idiot. This means we have to go to the Kokiri Forest and save the Sage of the Forest.

Link: How do you know it IS the sage of the forest? It could be tree’s, Earth, Wind.

Navi: Forest is the most obvious one. Now Link listen. Sometimes I am not going to be able to help you with something’s so you are going to have to remember those Temples yourself.

Link: I know the best way. We sing the Captain Planet theme Song.

Navi: Really. Then show me.

Link: OK here goes. "EARTH!" "FIRE!" "WIND!" "WATER!" "HEART!" "Go Planet!" "By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" Captain Planet, he's our hero Gonna take pollution down to zero He's our powers magnified
And he's fighting on the planet's side Captain Planet, he's our hero
Gonna take pollution down to zero Gonna help him put asunder
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder "You'll pay for this Captain Planet!" We're the Planeteers You can be one too' Cause saving our planet is the thing to do! Looting and polluting is not the way
Hear what Captain Planet has to say! "The Power is Yours!"

Navi: …………………… One problem. THERE ARE NO TEMPLES OF WIND HEART AND EARTH!

Link: Then you Just change them to Forest, Shadow and Spirit and re-word it. Like this.

"FOREST!" "FIRE!" "WATER!" "SHADOW!" "SPIRIT!" "Go LINK!" (Links voice) "By your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN PLANET I mean the HERO OF TIME!" (From in the distance all the Sages Sing) Hero of Time, he's our hero Gonna take Ganon down to zero He's our powers magnified And he's fighting on Hyrules side, Hero of Time, he's our hero Gonna take Ganon down to zero Gonna help him put asunder Bad guys who like to poop and cry (Ganondorfs Voice) "You'll pay for this Hero of Time!" (From in the Distance all the Sages sing) We're the Sages, You can be one too' Cause saving our Hyrule is the thing to do! Taking the Triforce and making evil bosses is not the way. Hear what the Hero of Time has to say! (Link yells out) "The Power is MINE I mean Yours!"

Navi: ………….ok. Lets just go the (Voice Echoes.) Forest Temple (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.)now. Please?

Link: *sigh* If you insist.

Meanwhile up in Ganondorf’s Tower he looks down on Link with a pair of Binoculars.

Ganondorf: Hahaha that’s right walk right into your doom Link. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA.

Random Voice from Behind: Come back to bed Ganondorf. (Pats the Bed)

Ganondorf: Very well. (Thinks to self) If I sleep with this celebrity then I will be famous. Then people may recognize me as evil. (Thinks is his head) And in this evenings news. Ganondorf the holder of the Triforce has been seen out and about with popular celebrity Michael Jackson. They were last seen going into Ganondorfs Castle and have not been seen since. Also we have Hurricanes reported to be heading across the Atlantic Ocean………

Michael Jackson : Come here Ganondorf. Let me rub your shoulders.

Ganondorf: (Snaps out of it) OK. (Walks into the Bedroom humming the Captain Planet Theme song).

Later at the Kokiri Forest Entrance

Link: Ahhhhh. Good old Kokiri. Its seems like seven years have passed here.

Navi: That’s because it has you idiot.

Link: Oh Right. Hey look it’s one of those Deku Baba’s. Awww it’s gotten so smaller.

Navi: Yeah it’s so cute.

Suddenly A bigger one comes from out of the ground.

Link:…………………………..RUN!!!!

Later in the Lost Woods.

Link: *pant pant wheeze* THAT was close. I mean as soon as I got away from the Giant Deku Baba I ran into that clan of Deku Scrubs and……….. I don’t want to talk about it.

Navi: Yeah. Did you see that Deku Baba look at me? I think it wanted to eat me.

Link: Yeah I kn……………Hey Navi. Can you do me a favour?

Navi: Yeah OK. What?

Link: I think I left something by the Giant Deku Baba. Can you go get it?

Navi: OK.

Link: Oh and stay close to it if you can’t find it.

Navi: Gotcha. (Flies away)

Link: Haha and they call me and idiot. Now let’s find this Temple. (Walks off)

In the distance we hear a scream, A slurp and some crunching.

Link: What was that?..........................Oh well.

Later

Mido: (Using is incredible Forcefield of Nothingness and singing Spice Girls) “Stop right now, Thank you very much. I need somebody with a………………..  (Spots Link) Who are you?

Link: I am the Scared ……I mean Sacred Hero of Time in need of finding the Forest Sage so I can defeat this Land, Save Ganondorf and Find Sheik. Well I mean Defeat Ganondorf, Save this Land and Find Zelda.

Mido: ………………….Wait you look familiar.

Link: Do I?

Mido: Yes. Like someone I knew long ago. Someone I had a crush on and I made fun of him because he had no fairy.

Link: Yeah that sounds like………….Wait you had a CRUSH ON HIM?

Mido: Yeah. I mean he was Sooooo handsome and he didn’t wear underpants with his Tunic.

Link: Was that all you liked him for? And I’m pretty sure that was just a comfort thing.

Mido: Yeah, and I always made fun of him coz I liked him too much. If only I hadn’t made fun of him then maybe he wouldn’t have left me forever.

Link:…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………I think I’m going to be sick.

Mido: (Ignoring Link) If only he was standing here now then I would tell him what I just said to you.

Link: (Suddenly a light or candle (coz this quite ain’t the 21^st Century) appears above Links head) Hey Mdio. (Quickly scribbles a note) I just remembered I meet Link in my travels he wanted me to give you this note.

Mido Really? (Snatches note from Link)

Dear Mido

I’m sorry I left in such a hurry. But there was something I really had to do Seven Years ago. I am coming back to the Kokiri Forest soon. I was hoping I could meet you by the Old Deku Tree so I could tell you my true feelings.

Love. Link XOXO

Link: Hehehe.

Mido: *sniff sniff* He put hugs and kisses on the bottom. HE LOVES ME. I am going to wait for him right now. (Runs off)

Link: Hehehe that was TOO easy. Now to this Temple

Later at the Entrance to the Forest Temple. (Navi Mysteriously re-appeared from no-where)

Link: Ahhh the (Voice Echoes.) Forest Temple.(Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.) I guess I’ll just whip out my hook-shot and….

Sheik: (Sheik falls from the sky and slams onto the ground. Obviously forgetting to open the parachute.) Owwww. My head. (Spots Link and quickly jumps onto his feet) Haha I’m OK.

Link: Great now I must be off.

Sheik: WAIT. I need to teach you this song. (Pulls out harp and plays Minuet of the Forest)

Link: What!? How am I going to play that?

Navi: With your Ocarina, idiot.

Link: Noo I mean I’m not that good of a player to do that.

Sheik: *sigh* LOOK JUST BLOW THE DAMNED OCARINA AND THE SOUND WILL COME OUT.

Link: Fine I’ll try it. (Blows the Ocarina and plays Minuet of the Forest.) Hey I got it. Wait why do I need to learn that?

Sheik: Oh just in case you want to leave the Temple without completing it and you do stuff like, go to the pub, shooting gallery, do the Fire temple first instead of this one. Then you can warp back here.

Link: Sweet. Well gotta go now. The quicker I do these Temple the quicker I can go on a date with Zelda. I know I will send her a text message and ask her. (Pulls outs cellphone and sends a text to Zelda.)

Sheik: (Then Sheiks phone starts going off) ………………………Oh Sh!t.

Link: Haha that’s funny. As soon as I have sent a text to Zelda you receive one.

Sheik: Yes…..Funny. Gotta go (Throws Deku Nut)

Link: (Blinded by the flash) AUGH. Damn that Sheik I’ll kill him. (Looks around for Sheik but finds nothing except a Tree where Sheik was standing before.) Hmmmmm. That tree wasn’t there before. Oh well lets go Navi. (Shots hook-shot onto the Tree which hangs above the entrance and walks inside.)

Meanwhile in Kakarikko Village

Talon: *yawn* Damn that was a good sleep. Maybe I should go back to the Ranch now. Malon will be wondering where I am.

5 hours later.

Talon: Good morning Ingo.

Ingo: (Who can’t stand up straight, Pale faced and eyes red)

Talon: Ahh I see you went to the pub last night. Did ya see the game.

Ingo: (Suddenly Ingo collapses)

Talon: Crickey that man can’t take his Liquor.

Malon: (Comes from nowhere) Actually Daddy the cuckoo’s got to him so I put him back together for me helping to become a Nurse.

Ingo: (A slight gurgling sound comes from his mouth)

Malon: I just couldn’t find his spine and voicebox.

Talon: You did a good job honey. Now get inside and cook me Lunch. I’m starving.

Back at the Forest Temple.

Link: Well that damn rotating room is still making me dizzy. Why would someone even bother to put one here? I mean what’s the point?

Navi: Maybe because it’s to stop people from getting to the boss chamber.

Link: I knew that. I was only testing you.

Navi: (Suspicious) Really?

Link: Maybe.

Navi: You’re an Idiot.

They both stop in front of the Boss Chamber

Link: Right now I’ll just whip out a key and we can kill this boss. (Pulls out a Small key but is too small for that lock.) Oh crap this key doesn’t fit.

Navi: That is because now we are in harder Temples than the Deku Tree, Doddongo’s Cavern and well we kinda didn’t do that last one. But anyway. In those Dungeons noticed how we had to figure out a puzzle to advance to the boss.

Link: Yes.

Navi: Well in the Temples we need to figure out puzzles AND find the Big Key.

Link: But I didn’t find any Big Key.

Navi: You walked right past it you complete nutter.

Flashback

Link: Haha I think I will shoot that eye above the door with my new Bow. (Shoots the Eye and a sound sounds off saying it was a good thing he did.) Yeah now give me the money.

Navi: Money?

Link: Yeah I shot one before and a chest fell from the ceiling and there were some rupees in it.

Navi: ……………………Lets just continue on with our adventure please.

Link: Very well. (Walks through the door to the twisted corridor.) Hey this corridor isn’t twisted anymore.

Navi: Yeah apparently if you shoot an eye above a door then something happens behind it.

Link: (Thinking and also Ignoring Navi) Apparently if you shoot an eye above a door then something happens behind it.

Navi: That’s what I just said.

Link: Fairy say what now?

Navi: Who cares what the fairy says. I JUST SAID…….Oh no.

Link: Haha caught you.

Navi: Grrrrrrrrrrrr. You win this round. Now can we please continue?

Link: I suppose. (Link and Navi continue walking along the straight corridor until Link falls off the platform at the end.) AUGH. Damn Temple builders. They should put signs up to say. Warning. Drop Ahead.

Flashback Further

Temple Builder #1: Hey. Do you think we should put a warning sign up to say there is a drop ahead?

Temple Builder #2: Naaaa only complete idiots would fall of something like this. Now help put this Master Hand thing up in the Ceiling.

Back to the Original Flashback

Navi: They shouldn’t need to. Only complete idiots would fall off that.

Link: (Ignoring Navi.) Hey look a chest. (Runs over and opens it to find……………………….nothing) Huh? What? Where is the thing that should be in here?

Navi: Uhhhhh Link.

Link: (Ignoring Navi) I mean how stupid is that. They have a chest here that is rusted with holes all over it. How idiotic is that?

Navi: Link. The key is……

Link: (Starts pacing) I’m thinking of retiring early. These Temples are SOOO Annoying. Things that fall from the ceiling and grab and take you back to the entrance. Then don’t get me started on…….(Falls through the hole.) AAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

Navi: (Looks down at Link) I was trying to tell him the key is right beside the chest. But oh well.

Flash-Forward

Navi: See you completely missed it.

Link:…………………. Oh well I’ll just pick the lock.

Navi: Wait. You can’t do that!

Link: (Looks at Navi) Why not?

Navi: It’s not right to do it. You are meant to find the key and open the lock WITH the key and then we go for a blackout. Then it comes back and we are inside the boss chamber.

Link: Really? Oh well doesn’t matter. (Picks the lock and walks in.) Wow this is dull.

Navi: Perhaps if we went up those stairs then we would find it more interesting.

Link: I suppose.

Both Link and Navi walk up the steps into the arena.

Link: Hey look. Its the Triforce symbol in the middle (Runs over and admires it for a while.)

Navi: Link. There is nothing here. Lets just go and try the Fire Temple now.

Link: Yeah I suppose.

Both Link and Navi go to leave but their way is block by spikes rising up from the ground.

Link: Augh. (Cautiously steps back.) They almost got me.

Navi: Yeah. Then we would have been in trouble. Or we could have let you be revived by that Pink fairy you caught earlier.

Link: Fair enough.

Suddenly there is a snort from behind them. They both turn to find Gannondorf sitting on his horse with a handkerchief over his nose.

Phantom Gannondorf: Excuse me. (Blows his nose again.)

Link and Navi: AAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH. ITS GANNONDORF!!!!!!!!!!

Phantom Gannondorf: I am not Gannondorf.

Link: *phew* That’s a relief.

Navi: He is Gannondorf you idiot. Its just a phantom.

Link: Oh. I see.

Phantom Gannondorf: Lets play a game. How about Hide n Seek. I’ll hide first. (Quickly jumps into one of the paintings.)

Link: Augh. He vanished.

Suddenly there is the sound of a galloping horse coming from behind Link. So he pulls out his bow and shoots at Phantom Gannondorf (Who just happened to be coming out of a painting.)

Phantom Gannondorf: Ouch. That hurt. (Ditches the horse and starts flying around.) Haha now its time to play one of my favorite (Under breath) and the one I’m best at. TENNIS.

Link: Hehe lets go then.

Phantom Gannondorf: Oh I changed a bit to it. I fire a ball of energy at you and we hit it back to each other with our weapons.

Link: Sounds fun. Lets play.

They go onto play Tennis for a bit. Phantom Gannondorf misses his shot and it hits him squarely in the chest. So Link runs up and cuts, slices and stabs him until he dies.

Phantom Gannondorf: NOOOOOO. HOW DID YOU GET SO GOOD AT TENNIS?

Link: By playing Wii-Sports all the time.

Phantom Gannondorf: I’m sorry master I failed.

Gannondorfs (The Real One) voice rings out.

Gannondorf: Haha you may have defeated my Phantom. But the real me wont be so hard. For I have been playing Wii-Sports all the time also. MWA HA HA HA HA HA.

Link: Oh crap.

A portal opens and sucks in the fake one and a blue portal opens.

Link: Sweet. Now its time to get a …………Crystal of some sort. (Walks into the portal and they warp back to the Chamber of Sages.)

Navi: Hey. We are back here.

Link: Yeah. Now where is Rauru?

Rauru: (In hiding) Not here.

Link: Awww man. That blows.

Navi: I…….we……..you……..I’m not saying anything.

Another blue portal appears and Saria rises from the Ground.

Link: Whoah. How do you do that?

Saria: By magic.

Link: Oh great MORE magic crap.

Saria: Oh shut up and take this Medallion. (Rises arms up and a Green Medallion falls from no where.)

Link: Wow. Hey. Wait a minute. Why is this one green?

Saria: To represent the Temple you just saved.

Link: That makes sense.

Navi: I could’ve told you that.

Link: Yeah but I would not have listened.

Navi: Grrrrrrrrr. I am this close to doing something bad.

Link: Who cares. Now must be off to the Super Duper God Damn Friggin Awesome (Voice echoes.)Fire Temple. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) Right. Gotta go. (Goes back to Hyrule.)

Saria: Wait I forgot to tell him. Oh well he can figure it out himself.

Back in Kokiri Forest.

Link: (Back in front of the Dead Deku Tree.) Hey. I was meant to go to the warp point in front of the Forest Temple. Not here. Hey look there something in the ground here Navi.

Navi: (Goes down to investigate.) Hmmmm something seems to be sprouting from the ground.

Link: (Also takes a closer look.) Yeah your right. Haha maybe it’s a…………..

Deku Tree Sprout: (Suddenly pops out of the ground at such velocity it knocks Link back.)

Link: (Gets up off the ground) Owww you damn thing. You die now. (Pulls out sword.)

Deku Tree Sprout: NO WAIT. I need to tell you something important.

Link: Fine. The longer you talk though. The Longer you live.

Deku Tree Sprout: It all started many years ago.

Link: How many?

Deku Tree Sprout: I don’t know. After you were born. Is that better.

Link: I suppose.

Deku Tree Sprout: Anyway. A great battle commenced and a woman who was gravely injured gave her son to the Great Deku Tree. The Deku Tree sensed this boy would be the savior in the future so he took him in. Also because he needed to pick on someone to make him feel better. Shortly after the mother died. That boy is YOU Link.

Link: Well duh. Who else would it be Mido?

Deku Tree Sprout: Anyway. I’m sure you have noticed after seven years none of the Kokiri have grown up.

Link: Yeah. Because they were all eaten by the Deku Baba’s

Deku Tree Sprout: That’s not what I meant. What I meant was. They can’t grow up. Become adults, Experience puberty stuff like that. They always stay as children.

Link:…………………………..And. Get to the point.

Deku Tree Sprout: The Point is. You are not a Kokiri. You are actually a Hylian.

Navi: ………..

Deku Tree Sprout: ………………

Link: ……………………

Navi: ……………………

Deku Tree Sprout: ……………..

Link: …………….Oh.

Deku Tree Sprout: So I’m sure you understand now.

Link: Yeah I do now. TIME TO DIE NOW (Stabs the Deku Tree Sprout.)

Deku Tree Sprout: AAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. BY KILLING ME YOU HAVE DOOMED THIS ENTIRE FOREST. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY.

Link: Yep.

Deku Tree Sprout: NOOOOOOOOOOO (dies)

Navi: Well. That was un-necessary.

Link: Yeah but still. I do what I want. I am the Scared….I mean Sacred Hero of Time.

Navi: Whatever. Lets just go.

Several Hours Later.

Link: Hey Sheik:

Sheik: (Suddenly wakes up) What? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be saving the Forest?

Link: I did.

Navi: Then he doomed it aga……

Link: (Links snatches Navi out of the air and covers her mouth.) Haha funny little fairy isn’t she.

Sheik: Right. OK. Now lets sort out our reward.

Link: Wait I’m meant to say that.

Sheik: Oh right. Well anyway. I shall teach you a song that will warp you here. (Pulls out harp and plays prelude of Light.)

Link: Wait how did you get so good at that?

Sheik: By playing Guitar Hero.

Link: Oh that’s easy..

Sheik: I know it’s easy. But I did it on Expert and got 100%. ON. EVERY. SONG.

Link: (Links sinks to his knee’s) Oh my GOD. You are my idol.

Sheik: Oh. Well. That’s nice. Now play the god damned song you idiot.

Link: Oh. Right. (Pulls out Ocarina and plays Prelude of Light.) Yay I got it.

Sheik: Awesome. Now. There is something I was meaning to tell you now. Oh well I’m sure it’s not important. Gotta go (Throws down a Deku Nut.)

Link: (Shields his eyes.) AUGH. WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT.

Navi: Yeah. Throw down one of those pellets that explode with a puff of smoke.

Sheik: (Who is still standing there.) You know. That’s a great idea. (Throws down a smoke pellet and disappears.)

Link: Well that sorts that.

Navi: Yeah. Now lets go to the. (Voice echoes) Fire Temple. (Somewhere off in the distance. Thunder rumbles.)

Link: Hey. Sheik left the sword pedestal unattended. Now I can go back and get that Rauru. (Thrusts the sword back into the Pedestal of Time.)

Seven Years. Back in Time.

Link: Wait. That didn’t work. This isn’t the chamb………(Looks at himself.) WHOAH. I’m a kid again.

Navi: Yeah I noticed. At least I didn’t have those damn crosswords again.

Link: But you will when I go, Back to the future.

Navi: Oh No.

Link: Oh Yes. (Seizes the Sword from the pedestal.)

Seven years Later.

Link: Told you I would do it.

Navi: Oh Well. I had something to do. See I have been playing Super Smash Bros Brawl.

Link: Wait. That’s not even out yet.

Navi: It is in Japan.

Link: But you can’t even read Japanese.

Navi: I can now with this (Shoves a Fairy to English to Japanese Dictionary in his face.)

Link: Oh. So. What did you think of me?

Navi: Felt like you could use better weapons. I mean the Gale Boomerang. More like the Gay Boomerang.

Link: What do you know you’re just a stupid fairy.

Navi: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. One of these days I will get you.

Link: Yeah right. I’m too good for you. (Walks off)

Navi: Yeah that’s right. Walk away. I’ll get you.

Later in Kakarikko Village.

Link: Now we go up Death Mountain to the (Voices Echoes) Fire Temple. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Navi: (Looks around.) Every time we something bad. Our voices echo and thunder rumbles in the distance.

Link: I know. Isn’t it awesome.

Navi: It scares me. I’m never going to say anything like (Voice Echoes.) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) again. (Navi gives off a little whimper.)

Link: Why not?

Navi: Because…………(Thinks of an excuse.) ………………..Oh I got it. It takes up too much room for our writers to write.

Link: Fair enough. We will stop saying (Voice Echoes.) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) Oh dammit I just said it again.

Navi: OK. From now on we stop saying……..(Catches self) That evil place.

Link: So instead of saying (Voice Echoes) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) we say That Evil Place.

Navi: Yeah.

Link: Right I can live with that. Now off to the ……..(Catches Self) That Evil Place. (Winks at Navi.)

Navi: Right.

Later (After having a few beers at the pub, winning a bigger quiver at the shooting gallery, pissing off the windmill guy by playing the Song of Storms all the Time.) Our Heroes find themselves at the entrance up the trail to Goron City where they will find clues to where the (Voice Echoes) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) would be.

Link: So.

Navi:………………Now what.

Link: Hey why is it so red here?

Navi: Look at the peak of the mountain dimwit.

Link: Oh. Hey it has that red thing swirling around it.

Navi: Remember what that owl said Seven Years ago.

Link: Ummmmmmmmm……

Flashback Seven Years ago.

Kaepora Gaebora: ……and if the mountain is in great peril. Then you will see a red thing swirling around the top.

Link: (All of his concentration is on him playing his GameBoy Advance. Where he is playing Pokemon Emerald.) NOOO MY BLAZIKEN JUST GOT KILLED.

Navi: You mean fainted.

Link: Whatever.

Kaepora Gaebora: …………………..Oh that’s it. I give up. (Flies off.)

Link: (Looks up.) Huh. What? Hold on I’ll just save it. (Saves it.) Right now. Where were we.

Navi: I think he flew off.

Link: Oh well. Hey look. Its one of those fancy walls you can blow up. (Sets a bomb and blows up the wall.)

Navi: I wonder what’s in here?

Link: Lets find out. (Both walk in.)

Flashforward back to where we are.

Navi:…….and I’m sure you remember what happened after that.

Link: Oh. Yes.

Flashback Seven Years ago (Once again.)

Link: Hey. It’s just a fancy fountain.

Navi: Look its one of those Triforce Symbols Impa told us about.

Link: Yeah. Your right. (Walks up and plays Zelda’s Lullaby.)

Great Fairy: (Laughs and rises up from the fancy pond.)

Link: …………………………………………………………..Hey a prostitute!

Great Fairy: Welcome heroic traveler to my spring I am the Great Fairy of Magic.

Link:…………………….Oh so you aren’t a prostitute. (Puts away his wallet.) Wait. HEY. Are you one of those Faries that if I throw something at. It gives me more of?

Great Fairy: Excuse me?

Link: (Pulls out his Slingshot and fire one and it hits the great fairy in the eye.)

Great Fairy: (Holds eye.) Owwww. My eye.

Link: Hmmmm. Maybe stuff more solid. (Thorws his sword at the Great Fairy.)

Great Fairy: (Sword goes through her chest and she falls into the pond and dies. The clear water that was I it is now all red.)

Link: Oh I see now. You are one of those fairies who give me magic powe………(Notices the dead fairy.) Oh. (Runs forwards takes out the sword and slips 50 rupee’s down her top.) I’m sure we don’t need to discuss any life insurance policies. (Runs away.)

Flashforward.

Link: Yes I can never forget that. I really thought she was a prostitute.

Navi: Wouldn’t put it past her. I mean the way she dressed. She was asking for it.

Link: So in a way I saved some people.

Navi: Or maybe she was an Oracle of something and that dies when that thing dies.

Link: Yeah maybe. Lets go.

Meanwhile seven years ago. In that far away land of Atlantis.

Random Person #1: I am soooo glad we moved our Oracle of Floatation to that land of Hyrule.

Random Person #2: Yeah. I mean if she died then we would sink to the bottom of the Ocean.

Suddenly a sound like a cork popping off a bottle sounds off and they all start to sink.

Random Person #1: OH NO SHE HAS DIED. 1000 CURSES ON THE PERSON WHO DI…….(The rest of the sentence was cut short by them being swamped underwater.)

Flashforward to Goron City.

Link: Here we are back at Goro…………Oh no I just remembered.

Navi: What?

Link: Remember seven years ago again as soon as we beat the Doddongo’s Cavern?

Navi: Yeah……………. Oh I see your point.

Link: Wait I have an idea.

Several Minutes Later.

Link: (Walks into Goron city wearing a Groucho Marx novelty glasses carrying a pizza box and wearing a pizza delivery uniform and speaking with an Italian accent.) Pizza delivery. (Realizes there is no one there.) Hey there is no one here.

Navi: Yeah. Your right. (Under breath) for once.

Link: Haha maybe they we………(Trips and falls down a floor.) Augh. Damned things. They should put up warning signs or something.

Navi: As I said. Only complete idiots would fall down a hole.

Link: Yeah. Yeah. Anyway lets g………(Gets run down by the rolling Goron.) AAUUUUGGGGHHHH> YOU *@$%^(#$.

Rolling Goron: (Continues to roll.)

Link: RIGHT YOU ARE IN FOR PAIN.

After Several Hours of throwing bombs. Link decides to set a trap.

Link: (Wearing his Italian disguise once again.) Hey. Who ordered the rock pizza?

Rolling Goron: (Stops in front of Link and hops up.) Rock Pizza?

Link: Yes.

Rolling Goron: I’ll take it.

Link: You can take this. (Rips off his pizza delivery uniform and pulls out his sword.)

Rolling Goron: AAUUUGGGGGHHHH. YOU’RE ONE OF GANNONDORFS MINIONS.

Link: What? No I’m not. I hate him. He sealed up the Doddongo’s Cavern and made our entire race starve. No what I meant was……….

Rolling Goron: So. You are the Legendary Doddongo Buster?

Link: Doddongo buster?

Navi: (Whispers in Links ear.) He means you saved this village you idiot.

Link: Oh. Then yes I am.

Rolling Goron: And the stinky thief.

Link: Yeah tha…………………STINKY.

Rolling Goron: (Cowers in fear.) Sorry.

Link: You should be. Now we need your help. Where can we find the Evil Place.

Rolling Goron: Evil Place?

Link: Yeah.

Rolling Goron: I know an evil place. It’s the (Voice Echoes) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) Its where Gannondorf took our entire race and is going to feed them to a dragon as a warning to others.

Link: Really? Gannondorf is just a wee baby. How did he do that?

Navi: The Triforce you nutter.

Link: Oh right.

Rolling Goron: Yeah. I managed to keep from their grasp.

Link: How?

Rolling Goron: Well…………

Flashback

A whole bunch of Stalfo’s have got the gorons in a line with braces around there hands and feet.

Stalfo #1: I think we have them all.

Stalfo #2: Maybe we should check for more hiding.

Stalfo #1: Good idea.

They search the Entire Goron city. They enter Darunia’s Room.

Stalfo #1: There is nothing in here except that Goron Statue.

Rolling Goron: (Frozen in place and starting to sweat a bit twitching every now and then.)

Stalfo #2: Yeah your right. Lets go (Both leave.)

Rolling Goron: (Collapses to the floor.) Oh man. My muscles are aching. Right. Now I am going to roll around just to make sure they can’t capture me. Unless they threw bombs at me then I’d stop.

Flashforward

Roling Goron: ………………………..and I gave them the old left hook then they ran away.

Link: OK. Right now I must be off. I suppose I must save the Gorons.

Rolling Goron: Wait. You have to travel through Death Mountain to find the (Voice Echoes) Fire Temple. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Link: …………and?

Rolling Goron: You could die.

Link: OK. What did you have in mind?

Rolling Goron: Well I was going to say you take a very cold bath before you go there. But I could give you a fire-proof tunic so you couldn’t get burned.

Link: Well. OK. Tunic it is.

Rolling Goron: (Hands over the Goron Tunic.)

Link: (Recieves the Tunic and holds it above his head.)

Navi: You got the GORON TUNIC. With thi………….

Link: THAT’S IT. (Grabs Navi from mid-air and throws her in a bottle.) THAT. Should shut you up. Now to climb Death Mountain and get into the ……….Evil Place. (Runs off.)

Rolling Goron: Well I was going to say he could take the secret passage through my fathers room but. Oh well.

Several Hours Later.

Link: (Collapses.) Oh man I can’t go any further.

Navi: (From inside the bottle.) Don’t be a wuss.

Link: Don’t make me throw you into the Lava.

Navi: *Whimper*

Link: Right. Now which door-way was it that leaded to the crater?

Navi: Right.

Link: (Couldn’t hear Navi.) I think it is left. (Runs into the Fairy Fountain to find a small memorial service of the Fairies from around Hyrule.) Oh Dear. (Runs off.)

Later in the Death Mountain Crater.

Link: Oh man it’s SOOOO hot in here. Well I guess I’ll just whip on my Goron Tunic.

Navi: (Who managed to escape her prison.) Anyway. Looks like the entrance is down over there by that warp point.

Link: OK. But how do we get there? We can’t jump across that gap because that boulder blocks me from jumping across.

Navi: Maybe there is another way in?

Link: ..or we could ask Spider-Man to gives us a lift across?

Navi: Spider-Man?

Link: Yeah. He helps people who are in real danger. Soo all I do is jump off the cliff into the Lava then we will swing from somewhere and put me somewhere safe.

Navi:…………………….You. Are. An. Actual. IDIOT.

Link: Only one way to find out. (Jumps off the cliff down into the Lava.)

Suddenly from nowhere Superman flies down and catches Link before he falls into the Lava and places him down on the wooden bridge.

Superman: You be careful now. You hear?

Link: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. I wanted Spider-Man.

Superman: *sniff sniff* Fine. That’s the last time I help you. (Flies off.)

Link: Good now that that’s out of the way. Lets go.

Sheik: (Jumps down from the little volcano.)

Link: Hey look it’s Spider-Man!

Navi: That’s not Spider-Man. It’s Sheik.

Link: Then why is he wearing tights and all red?

Navi: Because of the Lava.

Link: Oh right.

Sheik: Shut up you idiots. Now I am supposed to say some fancy dancy who-ha thing. But I’ll just skip right to teaching you this song. (Pulls out harp and plays Bolero of Fire.)

Link: (Pulls out Ocarina and Plays Bolero of Fire.)

Sheik: Good. Now good-bye.

Link: Wait I need to ask you something (Walks towards Sheik but fire sprouts up and blocks them.)

Sheik: (Throws down a Deku nut.)

Link: (Shields eyes.) AUGH. (Looks at where Sheik was.) Wow. Sheik really got the hang of teleporting. He isn’t here anymore. The only thing there now is that Tree.

Navi: …Ummmm Link.

Link: No navi not right now. We must be off. We have to save Death Mountain.

Navi: Wow you are actually taking an interest in this Hero thing.

Link: No. I’m just saying what our readers want to read.

Navi: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

A few minutes later in the Fire Temple.

Link: Wow. I love this temple already.

Navi: Great. Now we need to go through that door. (Points to the door that leads to the entrance to the boss room.)

Link: Why do you say that?

Navi: Because that door is covered by that statue. That one is useless until very later, and that one is locked.

Link: Right. (Runs off.)

3 hours later.

Link: Hey look up there. There is a chest behind that fire.

Navi: (Sarcastic.) Really. I didn’t know that. Your so smart.

Link: Thanks. Now lets get it. (Accidentally stands on the switch that’s turns off the fire.) Hey look its gone. (Quickly runs up and opens the chest.)

Navi: You found the MEGATON HAMMER…

Link: Megaton Hammer. Naa I prefer M.C.

Navi: M.C Hammer. Oh I see.

Link: Great. Now lets go pound some stuff with M.C Hammer. (Runs off singing Can’t Touch This.)

Another 3 hours later in front of the Boss Chamber.

Link: Right. Navi are you Ready?

Navi: (Pumped up.) Oh Yeah Baby.

Link: Then lets kick some Dragon Butt. (Puts the key in the lock and opens it.)

We are all shocked to find Volvigia lying down on a couch and Darunia sitting beside her with Glasses over his eyes and a clipboard.

Link and Navi: ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….Ummm.

Volvigia: (Sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes.) I don’t try to be evil. I mean Gannondorf only made me be evil. And what’s with those rumors of me eating Gorons. He knows perfectly well that I am a vegetarian, and when people see me they start screaming and run in the other Direction. (Starts crying.)

Darunia: (Comforts Volvigia.) There. There. It’s not you fault.

Link: (Walks up to Volvigia.) Listen. I can help you. I can kill you then that solve everyones problem.

Volvigia: *sniff* Really?

Link: Yeah just look the other way and it will all be over.

Volvigia: I was thinking of Suicide but getting killed would be better.

Link: OK. Now look over there. It will all be over with one hit.(Quickly pulls out the Megaton……..sorry. M C Hammer and hits Volvigia over the head.)

Volvigia: (On the ground with blood pouring from her head.) I’m…… still………..alive…………….

Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DRAGON!!!!!!. (Continuously beats Volvigia over the head until Volvigia rises up and flies around before bursting into flame. For some strange reason. Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash starts playing.)

Navi: Well……………….That was………………different.

Link: But done none the same. Lets go. (Picks up Heart Container and leaves via the blue portal.)

In the Chamber of Sages.

Link: Hey we are back here. Lucky I came prepared (Pulls out a fold-out chair and sits on it.)

Darunia: (Rises up from the Fire Medallion symbol.) Well brother, I guess I owe you thanks.

Link: Just doing what I should.

Darunia: I am still not happy about the Goron’s Ruby, brother.

Link:…………Oh. Well. There was a perfectly good explanation for that………You see………….

Darunia: Works for me.

Link: (Slightly confused.) Ummmmmmm I didn’t give my reason.

Navi: (Quickly flies to Links ear and whispers.) Just leave it at that.

Link: Oh…..Right.

Darunia: Anyway I have to give you this Medallion. (Lifts arms up and Medallion comes floating down to Darunia’s hand.)

Link: Ummmmmmmm aren’t I meant to get it instead of you?

Darunia: (Looks at it with an amazed look on his face.) Sooooooooo Shiny. Sooooooooooo Shiny……………….. It’s mine. My Precious……………………………..

Link:……………………………What?

Darunia: Its Mine. (Starts coughing.) Gollum. Gollum.

Link: Oh, Oh. Hey, look Darunia, what’s over there? (Points to nothingness.)

Darunia: (Turns and looks.) Where?

Link: (Sneaks over and snatches the Medallion.) Yoink. (Sends himself back to Hyrule.)

Darunia: Oh that Link. He will pay.

Back in Death Mountain Crater.

Link: (Falls onto the blue portal.) Well. We finished the (Voice Echoes.) Fire Temple. (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Navi: Yeah. Now to the (Voice Echoes.) Water Temple. (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.) Oh man it also does that thing with the Water place as well.

Link: Oh well lets go. (Starts to run but stops.)

Navi: What is it?

Link: I have the strange feeling that I forgot something.

Navi:……………Probably nothing to worry about.

Link: Yeah. Lets go.

Meanwhile back in the (Voice Echoes.) Fire Temple. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Random Goron: (Curled up in a ball and stuck behind bars.) Helloooooooooooo. Is anyone going to save me?

That immediately starts a chain reaction of all the Gorons moaning and crying. Some are afraid they are going to starve and kill there buddies so they have a fighting chance. Anyway back to our Doomers. I mean Heroes.

In Zora’s River

Link: How does that song go again?

Navi: Just think it and blow you idiot.

Link: Oh yeah. (Plays Zelda’s Lullaby and a little tune sound off and the waterfall in front of him stops falling temporarily.)

Navi: See. You can do it.

Link: And it was you saying I couldn’t. Navi. You have a lot to learn.

Navi: I…………What…………….IT”S YOU THAT HAS TO LEARN THEM.

Link: (Ignoring Navi.) Hey look. Zora’s Domain is frozen!

Navi: Yeah. Your right.

Link: Now we can go ice-fishing.

Navi: ……..What?

Link: Ice-Fishing. You know cut a hole in the ice and drop a rod in.

Navi:……………………………………………………………That’s it. I give up.

Later in King Zora’s Room.

Link:………….I’m telling you Navi. You can do ic………………….(Notices King Zora frozen in red ice.)………………….Well there’s something you don’t see every day.

Navi: That’s red ice.

Link: Let me guess. I need BLUE fire to un-freeze him. (Starts laughing at his own joke.)

Navi: Well actually………..Yes you do.

Link: (Stops laughing at once.) You just killed it Navi.

Navi: Who cares? Hey there is a path out behind him.

Link: Well let us push him out of the way. (Link and Navi (Well Navi flies.) run up to King Zora and push him out of the way. But he goes too far and into the wall where he shatters into a million pieces.)………………Whoops.

Navi: Oh Dear.

Link: Oh well. At least we don’t have to worry about him taking about 5 minutes to move anymore.

Navi: Good point.

In Zora’s Fountain.

Link: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Its soooooooooooo c-c-cold.

Navi: I’m OK. I’m a fairy.

Link: S-s-s-sh-u-t Up Na-v-i. (Grabs Navi and shoves her down his top where he warms up immediately.) Jez thanks Navi.

Navi: (Is passed out from Links B.O.)

Meanwhile in Kakkariko Village.

Al Qaeda: (Sneaking around. Ducking behind crates and trees whenever someone looks.) Hehe. No one would think to look for me here in this Zelda game.

Random Kid: (Walking around glancing at things but suddenly stops when he spots Al Qaeda.) Hey look. It’s a terrorist.

Al Qaeda: ……………..Oh crap. (Runs off but trips over a cuckoo on the way.) Owwwwwww. Damned thing. You die. (Pulls out a dagger and stabs the Cuckoo.)

Cuckoo: (Falls to the ground, then gets back up and summons it’s group.)

Al Qaeda: (Sarcastic.) Oh no. I stabbed a cuckoo and it wants to kill me. Someone help.

The village is deserted and a few doors and windows slam in the distance.

Al Qaeda: Oh wait isn’t this the game where you hurt cuckoo’s they attack……………………you…………………………….Oh no.

The cuckoo’s starts attacking him furiously. Until the bomb that was strapped to his chest goes off, kills the cuckoos and starts a fire.

But anyway who cares about that place. Lets get back to our Heroes who have passed the Tasks of the Ice Cavern and now stand outside the boss door.

Link: Ready Navi?

Navi: I was born ready.

Link: Actually you were a mistake.

Navi: Oh shut up and get in there.

Link: (Walks through the door to find…………………nothing.)……Wait where’s the boss?

Navi: Its here ………………………………..somewhere.

Suddenly a giant white wolfo jumps up and attacks Link.

Link:…………….A giant white wolfo is our boss. Damn this is going to be the easiest Sage to save ever. (The Wolfo runs up and slash at Link turning on the spot, Link does a jump attack killing it instantly.) See. That’s there weak point. The Back.

Navi: I know coz I have told you a million times.

Link: Really? Well I haven’t been listening have I?

Navi: Oh you…………..

Sheik: (Jumps down and lands in front of the door.)

Link: …Ummmmmm Sheik are you the Sage of Ice?

Sheik: What?

Link: Are you the…..

Sheik: (Cuts Link off.) No I am not you idiot.

Link: Oh. Well then could you move so we could get past.

Sheik: Go open that chest then come back to me.

Link: *sigh* Alright. (Walks over and opens the Chest to find………….)

Navi: Iron Boots?

Link: That’s what the label says.

Navi: Why on earth do we need Iron boots?

Sheik: To enter the (Voice Echoes.) Water Temple (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.) you complete idiots.

Link: Hey at least we can teleport…………..properly!

Sheik: *sniff sniff* Fine learn this song then get out of here. (Pulls out a harp and plays Serenade of Water.)

Link: (Pulls out Ocarina and plays Serenade of Water. After his Ocarina glows and he looks at it with amazement.)

Sheik: Now. Goodbye. (Throws down a Deku nut.)

Link: Augh (Shields his eyes.) Hey Sheik can teleport properly. See the only thing there not is that tree.

Sheik: (Hiding behind the tree.) Haha what an idiot.

Link: Oh. My. God. THE TREE CAN TALK.

Sheik:…………………Crap. (Runs out the door.)

Link: Now lets go and……………

Navi: Wait shouldn’t we go un-freeze King Zora?

Link: What’s the point? We already killed him.

Navi: He may have………(Thinks of something.)…….Money on him, and your wallet is a bit low on cash.

Link: Good point Navi. Lets go.

Back at King Zora’s Throne Room. Several hours have passed and Link and Navi have gathered all of King Zora’s pieces and have put him back together again.

Link: (Pours a bottle of blue ice on King Zora.)

King Zora: (Revived.) I can breath again. You (Points to Link.) Did you save me?

Link: Yeah.

King Zora: Thank you. Now I must reward thee. (Searches pockets.)

Link: (Rubs his hands together continuously think Money. Money  Money. Money  Money. Money  Money. Money  Money. Money  Money. Money  Money. Money.)

King Zora: (Pulls out a Zora Tunic and throws it to Link.)

Link: (Looks at it for a while.)………………………………….What about the Money?

King Zora: Oh. Right. (Throws down a Green Rupee.) There you go. That’s all I have.

Link:……………………………………..Here King Zora have this. (Conceals a bomb inside a bag and throws it up after 2 seconds.)

King Zora: Oh goody. I love presents. (Looks in the bag to see a bomb then quickly looks back at Link before blowing up into a million pieces again.)

Link: (Stands there while bits of King Zora fall around him. Strangely King Zora’s wallet falls into Links open hand.) Haha now lets see what he REALLY does have? (Opens his wallet to find it completely loaded with rupee’s…………………………………………………………………….Just joking folks it really was empty.) Oh………he was telling to truth.

Navi: …………………..Can we just go before you kill someone else?

Link: I suppose. (Plays Serenade of Water and Warps to Lake Hylia.)

At Lake Hylia. It starts to rain.

Link: (Reassembles on the warp point above the Water Temple.) Well here we are at Lake Hylia. Nothing has changed  much.

Navi: Your kidding right? Tell me you are kidding?

Link: Alright. I did notice it is raining.

Navi:………………………Why of all people did I get assigned to you?

Link: Because I am the Scared……I mean Sacred Hero of Time.

Navi: Fair enough.

Link: (Starts walking.) Yeah although it may have bee…………….(Slips and falls down the cliff.) AAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH. (Hits the Water with a big splash.) *glub glub* (Rises from the water.) OK. Navi the water level MAY have dropped a bit.

Navi: ………………….I’ll take it. Now there is the entrance to the Water Temple. Lets get inside.

Link: OK………………………………………………………………

Navi:………………………………………………………

Link:………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………..Well.

Link: How?

Navi: How, what?

Link: How do I get in? It’s blocked by that iron gate.

Navi: Well……………………….I have no idea.

Link: Haha maybe I could sink with those Iron boots and lift the gate up.

Navi: Yeah right.

Link: I’ll try it. (Puts on Zora Tunic and Iron Boots and sinks then tries to lift up the gate but to no avail.) *glub glub*. (Tries to say something but water comes out. So he decides to take off the Iron boots and floats back up to the top.) It’s too heavy.

Navi: Told you, you couldn’t do it.

Link: Augh. Hang on Navi I just dropped my hookshot. (The hookshot sinks to the bottom and fires the hook and hits the blue diamond above the gate. A sound goes off and the gate opens.)

Navi:?!?…………………………………………………

Link:…………………………………………..?!?

Navi:……………………………………….Well. Lets go then.

So our Heroes enter the (Voice Echoes.) Water Temple. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.). Personally I can’t be bothered writing about the boring parts so  will skip to the parts that are better.

Link: Man this room is weird.

Navi: I no. A lake with an Island and a tree.

Link: (Starts walking then realises he can walk on water.) Oh my god. Navi LOOK.

Navi: At?...................................Oh.

Link: I can walk on water. I’m Jesus. I’m almighty. Look out everyone here I come. (Link walks to the other side where the doors are covered in Iron Bars.) Oh man. I’m trapped in here.

Navi: Well………………………………We could try bombing our way through.

Link: You do that. While you do I’m going to sun bathe for a bit by that tree. (Runs over to the Island.)

Navi: (Flies over.) Uhhhhhhhhhhh. Link.

Link and Dark Link: What? (Both then stare at each other then scream and run in the opposite direction.)

Navi:………………………………Haha I didn’t know Link was ugly. He just looked in a mirror and saw himself. (Starts laughing but a cricket chirps while she does.)……………………………………………………..Oh forget it.

Link: (Draws out his sword and Walks up to Dark Link and looks at him while Dark Link does the same.)

Dark Link:……………………………………………………………………………….

Link:…………………………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

For the next five hours Link and Dark Link stare at each other……………….until.

Navi: I’ve had enough. (Goes around behind Dark Link and shoves him into Link. Little did Navi know she pushed him into Links blade and it hurt him……………………………………a lot.)

Dark Link: Owww. That hurt!

Navi: He told me to do it. (Points at Link who is picking his nose and looking around casually.)

Dark Link: Ohhhh. He will DIEEE FOR THAT!

Link: (Snaps out of it.) Oh, Oh.

Link and Dark Link engage in a classic sword fight. Each blow struck the same place and their swords just bounced off. So Link thought of a cunning plan. Use the Megaton…………

Link: Excuse me.

Sorry. M.C Hammer and ………………….yeah pretty self explanatory from here.

Link: Hey look over there.

Dark Link: (Distracted.) Where?

Link: Haha. (Uses the M.C Hammer and smashes it over Dark Links head. Now if you have been hit in the head with a hammer. I’m sure you will understand that it hurts a lot more than that. A LOT MORE.)

Dark Link: AARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Falls down to the ground and fades away.)

A little sound goes off and the door unlocks.

Link: Yay……………………………………..Oh crap which door is it?

Navi: Just pick one at random and then if it is wrong then go to the other one.

Link: Awwwwwwwwwwww. I don’t wanna walk that far.

Navi: *sigh* Look at your map you idiot. You should see a red arrow at where we come from and a yellow arrow at where you are standing.

Link: *sigh* Very well. It would be just as quick for me to run to a door then I’ll know which door I am meant to go through.

Navi:….I………….you…………………….just………………………..we…………………..Your are Useless.

Link: (Ignoring Navi.) Ha. It seems we need to go through that door over there. (Points to the door over to the far right.)

Navi: Ummmmmmmmmmm Link. You mean left. Right.

Link: Exactly……………………………………Right. Left.

Navi: So its Left. Right?

Link: Right. Left. (Walks off.)

While our Heroes conquer that temple we will check on Lon Lon Ranch.

Malon: *sigh* I’m SOOO Bored here.

Ingo: (Who is in a wheelchair with a heart monitor going.) (Computerised Voice.) Maybe you should get a hobbie.

Malon: Maybe. Hey maybe I can make people run around the race-course then give them something for beating the record.

Ingo: (Computerised Voice.) Maybe you should put them on Horses then they win a free cow.

Malon: Yeah. Then I can make them take it home themselves. Haha it will be funny because cows move slow and take their time.

Ingo: (Computerised Voice.) Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

So. Anyway let’s check on something else. Like. Something. Hold on. It’s coming to me. I’ve almost got it. AHA I KNOW. Gannondorf.

In Gannondorfs Tower (Or castle. I prefer to call it tower coz it sounds more evil.)

Gannondorf: Awwwwww mum. Please I’m asking you this one favour.

Koume: Don’t speak to us like that!

Kotake: Yeah. How do you think we provided a living for you?

Gannondorf: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………………………Wait wasn’t it being Prostitutes?

Koume: Yes it was.

Kotake: Now it you who has to provide for us!

Gannondorf:…………………………………………………………..and?

Koume: Oh this is useless. GIVE US SOME MONEY. We gave you that thing from the Spirit Temple.

Gannondorf: You mean Nabooru?

Kotake: Is that her name? Anyway. GIVE US SOME MONEY.

Gannondorf: *sigh* Very well. You, minion. Open the safe.

Well who cares about that. Lets get back to our Heroes who have just conquered the (Voice Echoes.) Water Temple. (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Link: Well that was hard. That thing caused so much trouble. I mean when it grouped me and all.

Navi: Really? I wasn’t watching.

Link: Thanks. Anyway lets get this heart container and get that medallion. By the way. Who was the Water sage?

Navi: I’m not sure. But I’m guessing she is gona be annoying.

Link: She?

Navi: Or he.

Link: Oh well. (Steps into the Blue Portal.)

In the Chamber of Sages.

Link: (Pulls out a chair and sits on it.) Ahh. After a hard days work. I think I deserve a rest.

Navi: It took you 20 days to complete it. We found the Longshot in about 7 hours. Then you fell down the hole behind the chest and was unconscious for 18 days. You might have been in a coma. Then you woke up and……………….yeah you remember the rest.

(I’m just saying that part because it took me that long to do that stuff. That Temple was so annoying. Except the Long shot. It took me about 15 days to get.)

Link: I sure do.

Ruto: (Rises up from her sage.) Hello. O Hero of Time.

Link: (Turns white.) Navi.

Navi: (Goes whiter then normal.) I know.

Ruto: !? What are you talking about?

Link and Navi: (Both scream.) GHOST.

Ruto: Oh this. Yeah I died Seven Years ago when I was meant to be saved from Jabu-Jabus Belly.

Link: (Starts sweating profusely.) Oh yes. How terrible. (Shifty Looks.)

Navi: Yeah. Who would do something like that? (Looks at Link.)

Ruto: Oh well. For all we know it may have been some kid that wore a green tunic with boots and no underpants.

Link: I TOLD THEM IT WAS A COMFORT THING.

Ruto:…………………………………………………………what?

Link: Oh (Thinks of an excuse.) I’m sure that’s what he would have said.

Ruto: Ah. Of course. Anyway I am to aid you from beyond the grave. So take this Medallion. (Lifts up arms exposing her armpits and Arm-hair.)

Link: (Staring.)…………………………..(Whispers to Navi.) You would need a chainsaw to cut through that stuff.

Navi: (Nods in agreement.)

Link: Oh well. (Lifts arms to receive the Water Medallion.)

Ruto: Excellent. By the way. There was a young man. I think his name was Zelda. No wait I mean Sheik. He tried to help me escape from the ice in the Ice Cavern. Problem is. I was already dead and I wasn’t there.

Link: …………………………..and?

Ruto: Oh right. I want you to thank him.

Link: Can do.

Ruto: Thanks.

Link: Yeah………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….

Link: ………………………………………………………..

Navi:………………………………………………………………

Ruto:…………………………………………………………….Oh right. I was meant to send you back to Hyrule.

Link and Navi: (Both collapse to the ground.)

Ruto: Sorry. I just forgot. (Sends Link and Navi back to Hyrule.)

At Lake Hylia.

Sheik: So. Link managed to destroy that Monster and save the Lake. Good man.

Link: Why thank you.

Sheik: WAAAUUUUGGGHHHH. (Jumps about 6 feet in the air.) DON’T SNEAK UP BEHIND ME LIKE THAT.

Link: Sorry.

Sheik: So. Ruto wanted to thank me did she?

Link: Yeah. WAIT. How do you know?

Sheik: Oh. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm………………………………I got it. I CAN READ YOUR MIND.

Link: Really? Then what am I thinking of now?

Sheik:………………………………………….aw crap. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Women and Breasts.

Link: WRONG. I was thinking of Women, breasts AND Zelda.

Navi…………………………………uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Your nuts.

Link: Augh (Covers his groin.) Are they showing?

Sheik:………………!? Really Link. That’s not right.

Link: Yeah. Anyway. Shouldn’t you be going?

Sheik: Oh right. Hey look what’s that?

Link: Where? (Looks around.)

Sheik: Haha (Runs away and climbs up the tree.)

Link: Hey Sheik. Theres nothi……………………..hey where did he go? (Runs around for a bit.)

Sheik: Haha what an idiot, and to think I climbed up this tree. With shoes that have no grip.

Link: Cripes Sheik has gotten better and teleporting. There is no tree here.

Navi: Uhhhhhh. Link.

Link: Not now Navi.

Navi: ………………………………………………………………………..Oh forget it.

Sheik: (Watching the whole thing.) Haha what an idiot. (Slips from the tree.) Oh crap. WAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH. (Hits the Water with a big splash.)

Link: What was that?

Navi: That was Sheik falling off that tree.

Link: Haha what a drunk?

Navi: Sheik wasn’t drunk. He just had bad co-ordination.

Link: Ha. You wouldn’t know drunk if you were standing beside one.

Navi:……………………yes.

Link: Hey here’s a question. Have you ever been drunk before? Have you ever had a good time before?

Navi:…………………………………………….Well. NO

Link: What?

Navi: Well I have too much on. I have to travel with Heroes and tell them what to do.

Link: Well you have had a boring Life. C’mon WE are going to the Kakkariko Village Pub. (Runs off.)

End of Part II

 

 

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