Script Formation    Part I  (I was too lazy to do a novel form)

 

Firstly I do not own Zelda at all (Seriously) all rights are held within Nintendo or something like that.

 

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far-...wait, this isn't a different galaxy! It's still on Earth, right..? I think it is, they never said. ANYWAY. *ahem* A long time ago...um... far, far away, was a land called Hyrule. A land of prosperity and wealth, all of Hyrule lived in peace for hundreds of years under the reign of Hyrule's Royal Family. However, a war between Evil and Good had sprung up, sending Hyrule into a period of famine and pestilence. However, legend tells of a Hero that will save Hyrule; one who will stand up and conquer evil, defeating it with the power of the Ancient Sages.

 

Camera pans over Hyrule Field, towards Kokiri Forest.

 

And on a COMPLETELY unrelated note, there's some Kokiri kid without a fairy. Let's go laugh at him or laugh at the Shakespeare tree thing that talks.

 

In Kokiri forest...

 

Great Deku Tree: Well young Navi the time has come.

 

Navi: Time? What Time?

 

Great Deku Tree: Time for you….

 

Navi: Yes

 

Great Deku Tree: To……

 

Navi: YES

 

Great Deku Tree: Get me Lunch

 

Navi: Huh???

 

Great Deku Tree: Chop chop!

 

Navi: ?!?

 

A few Minutes Later

 

Great Deku Tree: Now where was I?

 

Navi: Telling me about Hyrule

 

Great Deku Tree: Ahhh yes great place that. The trick is to……

 

Navi: No no no. About its Future.

 

Great Deku Tree: Ohhh right. Anyway an evil man is threatning Hyrule yadda yadda yadda and a kid some where in this forest can save this doomed land.

 

Navi: Right where can I find him?

 

Great Deku Tree: 13 Kokiri Lane. Now go find him its time for my uhhh afternoon nap (Speaks to him self) ohh good one.

 

Navi: It’s Mid - Morning

 

Great Deku Tree: Damn………… Look Just find this kid (mutters to self) Stupid Fairy.

 

Navi flies off in search for this kid but takes along time considering this fairy is stupid and can’t read signs for Jack-Sh!t

 

Navi: (Talking to random Kokiri) Excuse me but can you point me in 13 Kokiri Lanes direction?

 

Random Kokiri: That loser. He lives in that Tree House over there.

 

Navi: (Confused) Thanks

 

Navi Flies up into the Tree House to find a complete Pig Sty you could hardly see the floor and some Kid was lying down on a bed snoring his head off

 

Navi: OI YOU KID WAKE UP

 

Link: (Snores even louder)

 

Navi: HEY

 

Link: …… uh (Flicks hand at Navi)

 

Navi: NO ONE FLICKS A HAND AT NAVI (flies over picks up a book and drops it on Links head)

 

Link: Owww HEY STUPID Fairy

 

Navi: Well now I have you attention. Get Dressed we are going to see the Great Deku Tree

 

Link: (Walks over to his dresser draw and pulls out a Fly Swatter and hides it behind his back) C’mere little fairy I have a surprise for you.

 

Navi: (Anxious) Really? What?

 

Link: Guess?

 

Navi: Ohh I love games

 

A few minutes Later

 

Navi: Is it uhhhhh… A Book

 

Link: (Really Angry) NO IT’S THIS (Pulls out Fly Swatter)

 

Navi: (Scared) Oh. WAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH (Flies away)

 

Link: (Runs after) C’MERE YOU LITTLE BUG (Runs outside)

 

They Run out of Link’s house (not before Links trips over his railing and smashes his face into the ground) and they run around for hours until Link runs into Saria

 

Saria: (Falls to the Ground) Owwww. Why you little…….. Oh hi Link (Blushes)

 

Navi: (Quickly Flies around behind Saria) *Whimper*

 

Link: Hey Saria have you seen a Fairy by any chance

 

Saria: (Excited) WOW you finally have a Fairy

 

Link: Ummmm, Yeah sure lets go with that.

 

Navi: (Flies out from Behind Saria)

 

Saria: So you lucky thing what’s your name?

 

Navi: Well I wouldn’t consider me lucky to have someone like him but The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to him

 

Saria: Oh True. It such an honour to talk to him.

 

Link: Yeasurewhatever can we go now.

 

Navi: Finally thought you would never ask.

 

 Link and Navi walk to entrance to The Deku Tree Meadow but is stopped by the Incredible (Yeah Right) Mido Forcefield for Death *Bum, Bum, Buuuuummmmmmmm* No seriously Link is just too stupid to walk around Mido.

 

Mido: Whoah there Mr No-Fairy-(Pauses) THAT-NOW-HAS-A-FAIRY (To whole Kokiri Forest) WHO IS MISSING A FAIRY.

 

Random Kokiri #1: Not me.

 

Random Kokiri #2: Nuh uh sorry.

 

Random Kokiri #3: Nope.

 

Mido: Well then (Thinks of an Excuse) Uhhh you er ….can’t cause you umm don’t uhhh have a hmmm Sword and Shield (Mutters to self) Yea nice He he he.

 

Link: Great (Walks off)

 

A few Minutes Later

 

Link: Well I got this Puny Sword and Crappy Shield with this totally cool symbol on it. Can I go through now

 

Mido: WHA……Nope. Sorry

 

Link: WHAT!?

 

Mido: You have to pass uh 12 tasks 1. Kill 3 Wolfo’s with your bare Fists.

 

Link: How else can I get past?

 

Mido: Well just try and go through me

 

Link: Fine (Pulls out Sword and Cuts Mido in half and walks over his bloody remains)

 

Navi: Link what was that for?

 

Link: Lets just say I have a very very very………

 

2 minutes Later

 

Link: …very very short temper.

 

Navi: (Mouth wide open) Well you could use some anger management.

 

Link: (Shaking fist at Navi) What’ch you talkin’ bout Willis?

 

Navi: (Quickly) Nothing nothing let just go eh? (Pushes Link Along)

 

Later in the Deku Tree’s Meadow

 

Great Deku Tree: Well young one welcome!

 

Link: (Looking around) Wh-Who said that? C-c-come out if y-you dare

 

Navi: This kid is meant to be not scared of anything and he is afraid of a tree WA HA HA HA HA HA

 

Link: (Uses fly swatter on Navi)

 

Navi: Owww that hurt!

 

Link: He he he

 

Great Deku Tree: *Ahem*

 

Link: So this tree can talk huh well I wonder how much money I could make if I put you in a freak show.

 

Great Deku Tree: F-freak Show (Starts crying)

 

Link: Wow it can cry too? What else can it do? It almost seems like it has human personalities.

 

Great Deku Tree: This

 

It uses its branch to try smack Link but he dodges and hits Navi into the Distance.

 

Link: Hey you are good for something!

 

Great Deku Tree: Wow thanks

 

They go on to Party until Navi flies back and crashes the Party

 

Navi: YOU TWO ARE PARTYING WHILE HYRULE IS IN DANGER

 

Link and Great Deku Tree: Pretty Much. Doesn’t concern us.

 

Navi: (Gets bucket of water and dumps it on them)

 

Link: Hey what happened here?

 

Navi: You two that’s what. Now Great Deku Tree tell him about Hyrule.

 

Great Deku Tree: Ahhh yes well the trick is to……

 

Navi: No no no the other thing.

 

Great Deku Tree: Oh Right well……

 

A few Minutes Later

 

Great Deku Tree: …and I will die either way

 

Link: (Wipes his eye with a tissue) R-really well I’ll do it for you.

 

Great Deku Tree: Hmm you are really a good kid. Now I want you inside me.

 

Link:………………………………………..(Turns and runs away very quickly.)

 

Deku Tree: No. Wait I meant for you to climb through my mouth instead of the back door.

 

Link: Oh. Right. C’mon you stupid bug lets go.

 

Navi: (Angry) What did you just call me?

 

Link: I..uhhhh… oh my look at the time gotta go Bye (Runs inside the Great Deku Tree)

 

Navi: C’MERE

 

A few hours later in the Great Deku Tree they approach the last door to the boss.

 

Link: Well what’s behind this door?

 

Navi: (Reading Map) Well it says the Boss Room

 

Link: Hey where did you get that Map?

 

Navi: Out of a chest you missed.

 

Link: Right well let…OUCH

 

Link was just hit with a Deku Nut

 

Link: WHO DID THAT?

 

Deku Scrubs: *Whimper*

 

Link: WELL.

 

Deku Scrubs 1 and 2: (Push Deku Scrub 3 out to face Link)

 

Link: SO IT WAS YOU HUH

 

Deku Scrub 3: Y-y-y-yes

 

Link: DIEE!!!

 

Navi: LINK WAIT!!!!!

 

Link: (Stops running) What?

 

Navi: (Flies over to Deku Scrub 3) Well can you tell us how to defeat the Boss or else I’ll let this Maniac…

 

Link: Eh?

 

Navi: Get you

 

Deku Scrub 3: N-n-no Please no alright strike her while she is stunned.

 

Link: Ok get out of here before I lose my temper

 

Deku Scrub 3: Thank You (Hops off but Link shoots it with his Slingshot) AAAIIEEEEEE (Dies)

 

Navi: LINK

 

Link: (Kisses his slingshot) You are useful. Better then that impudent fairy who is going to annoy the hell out of me.

 

They walk into a totally empty room, aside from a few bushes and a pillar or two. Two things were strange about the room, however: There was an eerie fog collecting on the floor, and a strange, repetitive sound was coming from somewhere.

 

Link: What the heck is that?

 

Navi: ... I don't know...

 

Link: Hahaha, maybe one of the. (Stops, and face turns white)

 

Navi: ....one of the what? Link? (Looks up, and screams)

 

Queen Gohma: (looks at them, rolls its one eye all around it's socket, then drops down in front of them. It stands on one leg, and the other three legs loom over Link, and it roars several times and looks at him sternly)

 

Link: ..............AAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! (runs away)

 

Queen Gohma: ROOOAAAARRR!

 

Link: (huddled against a wall) Good God, it's ugly! Oh, I can't bear to look at it! (shuts eyes tight)

 

Queen Gohma: (slowly advancing towards Link)

 

Link: (still has eyes closed tight, begins to throw things at Queen Gohma) Get away! (throws his sheild, a copy of "Kokiri Life" magazine, his lunch, and Navi all in the direction of the roars from Queen Gohma)

 

Navi: Hey! Don't throw me!

 

Link: (throws a deku nut at Queen Gohma, which lands at her feet and explodes, emitting a blinding flash)

 

Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and begins spasming and palpitating)

 

Link: (takes a peek to see what happened) Hey! She's stunned! Apparently those Deku Nuts emit a flash for a split-second and temporarily stun whatever is in front of it!

 

Navi: DUH! That's what I told you as soon as you picked one up!

 

Link: You did? Oh. I wasn't really listening.

 

Navi: …………….idiot!

 

Link: (begins slashing and slicing and dicing Queen Gohma's eye)

 

Queen Gohma: (gets up, backs away from Link and climbs onto the ceiling)

 

Link: Ha! It's retreating! I won! Nah nah, in your face, ugly bug thing!

 

Three balls drop from Queen Gohma.

 

Link: Um...

 

The three balls burst open, and from them come little mini-versions of Queen Gohma.

 

Navi: AWWWWW! They're so CUTE!

 

Link: (fighting them off) Cute!? They're incredibly ugly!

 

Navi: (cuddles up to one) Can we keep this one? I like this one, let's keep him!

 

Link: (stabbing the others) NO!

 

Queen Gohma: (drops back down)

 

Link: You fool! You've made ME angry! Now you die! (throws a Deku Nut down on the ground)

 

Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and spasms again)

 

Link: DIE, EVIL SPACE MONSTER!! (begins cutting and slicing Queen Gohma's eye as quickly as possible)

 

Navi: Space monster?

 

Queen Gohma: (suddenly rises up from the ground and shakes a little before its eye explodes and it falls to the ground and disintegrates into little tiny pieces)

 

Link: Yahaha! I won!

 

A circular blue portal appears on the ground, which Link walks into and floats upward.

Back outside, in front of the Deku Tree...

 

Link: Okay Deku Tree, we got rid of your curse. Now give us the money.

 

Great Deku Tree: Money? Never did I promise a monetary reward.

 

Link: (shrugs) It was worth a shot.

 

Great Deku Tree: Any way let me tell you about something.

 

Link: (Jumping up and down) Can it wait I need to go Toilet

 

Great Deku Tree: W-well

 

Link: PLEASE

 

Great Deku Tree: Fine go find a Tree

 

Link: (Runs up to Deku Tree undoes his zipper and starts peeing over the Deku Tree)

 

Great Deku Tree: HEY EWWW NOT ON ME

 

Link: Sorry but you’re the only Tree around here.

 

Great Deku Tree: *Grumble*

 

Later…

 

Great Deku Tree: Well now what was I going to do?

 

Link: Give me something.

 

Great Deku Tree: Ahh right well here (Uses his Magical Powers and gives Link the Kokiri Emerald)

 

Link: Wow nice (Takes it) I wonder how much I could sell this for?

 

Great Deku Tree: S-sell it (Starts crying) That has been in my family for 20 Generations Bo ho ho

 

Link: Well then that just increases the monetary value.

 

Great Deku Tree: (Cuts Link off.) Anyway go Find Princess Zelda she will be able to help you with your next thing.

 

Link: Thing? What thing?

 

Great Deku Tree: I uhhh well you shouldn’t have peed on me just say this to her “Triforce”

 

Link: Triforce? Who or What is Triforce?

 

Great Deku Tree: I – entreat -  ye -  Navi. Goodbye!! (Dies)

 

Link: (Frustrated) Well that helps.

 

Navi: Goodbye Great Deku Tree. (starts crying)

 

Link: Pull your self together stupid Fairy uhhh whoops (Runs off)

 

Navi: C’MERE YOU LITTLE RUNT.

 

They run until they are stopped by Mido

 

Link: Hey I thought I killed you

 

Mido: You did but Kokiri Never die

 

Link: Sweet then I can kill you again (Pulls out sword and cleaves his head off) He he he

 

Navi: Link

 

Link: What? Its fun doing that.

 

Navi: Can I try?

 

Link: Sure (Gives Navi the Sword)

 

After a Minute Mido’s head mysteriously reataches  and Navi Cuts it off

 

Navi: Hey you are right it is fun.

 

Link: Told Ya! Now where do we go? Wait you try it on me.

 

Navi: Yeah ok (Uses sword and cuts at Link but stops right at his neck) Look a sign…………. It says “Exit”

 

Link: Wait a sec! It says somewhere at the start of this exciting rewrite you can’t read signs.

 

Karl H: Really. I must check. (Runs off. Then you see this giant flash and I am no longer there. MWA HA HA HA HAAAAA.)

 

Navi: I ummm errrrr well ummm that is to say umm (Hides small dictionary) I learn things pretty quick.

 

Link: (Suspicious) Right well lets go (Runs off)

 

Navi: Hey wait for me

 

On the intersection between Kokiri Forest and Hyrule Field...

 

Link: Well, here I am. Leaving Kokiri Forest, my home.

 

Saria: (appears out of nowhere behind Link) Boo.

 

Link: Waaah! (falls down)

 

Saria: Ha, ha! Fooled you.

 

Link: That trick gets really old, really fast. What do you want?

 

Saria: (suddenly adopts a melancholy attitude) Oh... so you are going, then...?

 

Link: Um... yeah. That was the general idea.

 

Saria: I knew we were never meant to be together forever. You see, you are different from me and my friends...

 

Link: Why are you acting so weird?

 

Saria: (ignoring him) Here, Link... take this Ocarina as a token of our friendship... please take care of it. Whenever you play it I hope it reminds you of me. Please don’t lose it or break it that is my heart and Soul.

 

Navi: You got an Ocarina! Go to the Items subscreen and assign it to-

 

Link: I KNOW ALREADY!!! Wow it looks like one of those sex objects with little holes in it and a little blow-like thing there.

 

Saria: (Cuts Link off.) But even though you won't always be here, Link, I know we'll be friends... forever.

 

Link: Well, I really must be embarking on my incredible adventure. See you. (runs out)

 

Saria: ... Goodbye...

 

Now in Hyrule Field...

 

Link: This is great! Look how big it is! Now we can-

 

Voice from above: Link!

 

Link: What? Who said that? …Is this God?

 

Voice from above: Ummmmm……………..Yes. It's God. I'm here to tell you that you aren't going to heaven.

 

Link: Ugh! Why not!?

 

Voice from above: Um... your feet stink. *snicker snicker*

 

Link: My feet stink!? What kind of reason is that!?

 

Voice from above: Silence! I'm GOD!

 

Link: Yes sir.

 

Voice from above: Now Link, I'm going to tell you what to do next. If you head straight from here, you will get to Hyrule Castle Town. Go to the castle and find some way to get past their heavy security system consisting of several blind and deaf guards and some strange girl chasing a chicken. OK?

 

Link: Um... God, sir... I'd like a little more information; that's not-

 

Voice from above: SILENCE FOOL!!!!

 

Link: Y-y-yes sir! I'll go right now, sir! (runs away)

 

Kaepora Gaebora: Hahaha, I should have thought of that years ago. (flies away)

 

Hours later, in Hyrule Castle Town...

 

Link: Wow this place is awesome

 

Navi: I’ve seen better.

 

Link: What do you mean? You have never been out of the Forest!

 

Navi:….Shut up!

 

Link: Well where to?

 

Night falls

 

Link: Brrrr its cold oh look lucky a fire (Runs over and puts his hands over)

 

Malon: OI WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

 

Link: WAUUGGHHH (Falls over)

 

Malon: (Jumps on Link) WHY WERE YOU TOUCHING MY HAIR?

 

Link: Your hair oh I thought it was a fire

 

Malon: Why you little (Beats the crap out of Link)

 

Link: Owww hey stop that hurts YEOUCH (Jumps up and runs away)

 

Later by the Castle

 

Link: *Phew* that was close

 

Navi: I’d say she is as bad as you

 

Link: …Shut Up (walks up to Guard) Hey howzit goin can I pass through?

 

Guard: Nope sorry you can only pass through is you need to.

 

Link: W-well I need to I uhhh Got to uhhh use your Bathroom

 

Guard: Well ok but hurry back (Opens Gate)

 

Link: Thanks (Runs through)

 

Later

 

Link: (Huddled in a corner) No Please no

 

Malon: (Closing in) NOW I’VE WANTED TO DO THIS

 

Link: WAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH

 

Malon: (Thrusts hand at Link showing him the Egg)

 

Link: W-what’s this?

 

Malon: An egg silly just wait for it to Hatch and use it to wake up my father

 

Link: And if I don’t?

 

Malon: I’ll kill your little Fairy

 

Link: Go ahead

 

Navi: Hey!!

 

Link: (Takes the egg and thinks Breakfast)

 

Malon: Thanks oh and watch out for the Guards (Skips off)

 

Link: Right thanks. (Runs off)

 

Link slips past the rest of guards and makes his way to the side of the castle, where they meet Talon.

 

Talon: ZzzZzzZZzz... welcome to Lon Lon Ranch... have some fun... ZZzzZz...

 

Link: HEY! WAKE UP!!!

 

Talon: zzZzzZzzZZZzzz...

 

Navi: Why don't you use that egg?

 

Link: Hehe, yeah. (whispering in his ear) The chickens! The chickens, Talon! They're coming to get you, Talon! You can't hide forever, Talon! Cockledoodledoo, haha!

 

Talon: ...No... no, the chickens, no!

 

Suddenly, a full-grown chicken hatches from the egg Malon gave Link and hops onto the ground.

 

Chicken: Cockledoodledooo!

 

Sleeping Guy: ZZzzZzzzZZzzZz

 

Chicken: (Eyes widen, attacks Malon's father, snapping at his ear) Cocklleragakagurgle!!

 

Talon: ZZzzZzzZZzzZzzzz...

 

Link: Oh well. (rolls him, and pushes him into the river)

 

Malon's father: (wakes up) *Gurgle* *Choke* What in tarnation! (Flows away quickly out of sight.)

 

Out of pure luck, Talon happened to leave two boxes of milk sitting out which, if pushed into the stream across from a tiny whole, allows Link and Navi to enter the castle. After releasing the killer chicken to clear the way...Link and Navi walk by noticing dead men everywhere with separated limbs, missing heads and blood all over the place and the chicken cuddling innocently in the corner.

 

Link: Take warning by this Navi never underestimate a Chicken. If a chicken attacks me then I want you to take my sword and kill me.

 

Navi: Right.

 

They walk into the Next Room which is a Meadow and spot a Girl Spying on a guy through a window

 

Navi: Maybe you should go talk to that girl. She might know a way in.

 

Link: (sarcastically) Yeah right, Navi, that little girl will just HAPPEN to-

 

Voice: YAAAAAHH!!

 

Link: (Looks up for a split second, he is able to see a dark figure attacking, who was protected from view by the suns bright light.)

 

Figure: (drop kicks Link)

 

Link: (kicks her off of him and jumps up, breathing hard) What the heck are you doing!?

 

Zelda: Oh, so it's a fight you want, huh?

 

Link: Bu-y- YOU'RE the one that jumped ME!

 

Zelda: (takes fighting stance)

 

Link: (sighs) Oh, fine. (draws sword)

 

Zelda: Hey! We're gonna fight fair!

 

Link: Damn. (sheathes sword)

 

 

 For a moment, they stand totally still, giving each other eye-piercing looks. Readying themselves to defend against attacks, they bend their knees slightly, and look into each other's eyes. After several tense moments, they attack each other in a split-second.

 

Zelda: (throws a punch)

 

Link: (catches punch, and kicks)

 

Zelda: (dodges, and twists herself so that she can kick Link in the head from behind)

 

Link: (jumps away and does a few flips in the air before landing)

 

Navi: Why exactly are you two fighting?

 

Zelda: (runs at Link)

 

Link: (trips her)

 

Zelda: (on the ground, brings her leg around and trips Link, while at the same time getting up. She sits on Link, and throws a punch)

 

Link: (grabs her arm and kicks her over him)

 

Zelda: (hits a wall, but kicks off it and brings her foot smashing into Link's face)

 

Link: Owww. Why you little………(Draws out his sword.)

 

Zelda: HEY. Remember. Fight fair.

 

Link: Argh. Screw that. (Flings away the sword and punches Zelda straight in the face. 

 

Zelda: (falls to the ground, and doesn't move)

 

Link: Heh heh... oh whoops.

 

Navi: (sarcastic) Well good job, Link, you killed her.

 

Link: (walks over to Zelda, but looks at Navi) Well how was I supposed t-

 

Zelda: (suddenly gets up) Think you've won, eh? I was just taking a breather! You are pretty good, I'll give you that, but you could never beat me!

 

Link: Ha! Like I could LOSE! Me, Link, the Hero of Time, lose to a little girl. Heh.

 

Zelda: Wait... did you say you were the Hero of Time?

 

Link: Yeah, why?

 

Zelda: Then... are you from the forest?

 

Link: Uh-huh.

 

Zelda: Then... tell me... do you have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest?

 

Link: Yeah. (takes it out) Pretty thing, isn't it?

 

Zelda: (smiles) Then I was right!

 

Link: Right? About What?

 

Zelda: Oh just a dream I had.

 

Link: (Excited) Really? What?

 

Zelda: Dark Clouds surround Hyrule then a ray of green light shoots into the sky and the clouds part then from the forest a Boy emerges carrying a Shinning Green Stone accompanied by a Fairy.

 

Link: Hey that sounds like me.

 

Navi: Nah. Ya think.

 

Zelda: Any way I was spying through this window.

 

Link: (Whispers to Navi) I think she is a stalker.

 

Navi: (Nods in agreement)

 

Zelda: Have a look at this guy I believe the clouds symbolize that man.

 

Link: Well I dunno.

 

Zelda: Quick or he will be gone.

 

Link: Oh alright

 

Link looks through the window, and sees a man bend down in salute to someone he could not see. He is very tan, and has a very big nose. He has red hair, and is about six feet tall. His clothes are adorned with jewels of every kind, and he wears armor all over. His back is covered with a large red cape, and he is wearing big gloves. Strangely, his eyebrows grow into his hair.

 

Zelda: He swears his allegiance to my father, but I know he is not sincere.

 

Suddenly, the man snaps his head to the side and gives Link a cold stare.

 

Link: AUUUGHH! AUUUGHH! IT'S UGLY!!

 

Zelda: Yeah, he is pretty ugly, isn't he? I'm sure the real reason he is here is to get the Ocarina of Time, which is a relic passed down through the Royal Family for generations. It, along with the three Spiritual Stones, opens the Door of Time in the Temple of Time to get to the Triforce of Time. Wait, no, just the Triforce. Anyway, Link, it is up to me to protect the Ocarina, and it is up to you to protect the Spiritual Stone. Don't let that ugly guy get it!

 

Ganon: (pops his head through the window) Actually, my name is Ganondorf, but my friends call me Ganon. Please don't call me "ugly guy" anymore; it's very rude. (leaves)

 

Link: Okay, I'll go now. Wait, no, actually, can I have your autograph? I want to shove it in Mido's face.

 

Zelda: What? Oh, okay. Tell ya what, I'll also give you a letter stating that you are the Royal Family's messenger, so you won't have trouble with any more guards.

 

Link: Sweet! Thanks! (takes the letter and turns and runs away, but bumps into a tall woman) AUUGGHHH!

 

Tall Woman: (appears in his path)

 

Link: Wah!

 

Zelda: Oh, that's Impa. She's my attendant. Don't be scared, she's nice.

 

Impa: Hello, young one. You are very brave to embark on this quest by yourself. Let me teach you a song I used to play for Zelda as a lullaby. (she teaches him Zelda's Lullaby)

 

Link: (plays it correctly, which results in him remembering it forever)

 

Navi: You learned Zelda's Lullaby! Th-

 

Link: WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, STUPID!?

 

Navi: Okay, okay! I'm just trying to be helpful.

 

Impa: There is mysterious power in these notes. Play it wherever you see a Triforce symbol to make weird stuff happen. Now let me lead you out of the castle.

 

In Hyrule Field, directly outside the castle...

 

Link: Woah, that was fast. How'd you do that?

 

Impa: I'm a Shiekah. I can do anything.

 

Link: ……..

 

Impa: Now you must go to Death Mountain, where the Gorons live. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire. Also go to Kakariko Village, where I grew up. Try the omelets there; they're to die for.

 

Link: ...Okay. Hey Wait can you do something for me?

 

Impa: What?

 

Link: Make me a Babe Magnet!

 

Impa: Okay. Bend down on all fours.

 

Link: (Bends Down) How does this… AUUUGGGGHHHHH (At that precise Moment Impa kicks sand in Links Eyes)

 

Impa: Now I must disappear (Throws down a Deku Nut and Runs away Quickly and Quietly)

 

Link: I’LL KILL HER or him what’s the difference.

 

Navi: Who cares Lets go.

 

Link: Okay, I guess we're going to Death Mountain now.

 

Navi: Wait!

 

Link: What?

 

Navi: What would Saria say if we told her we were going to save Hyrule from imminent doom?

 

Link: Um... knowing Saria, she'd probably laugh at us then beat us up.

 

Navi: Maybe we should go talk to her.

 

Link: All the way at the end of the Lost Woods?! It'd take DAYS to get there! Nah, I got a better idea. (takes out his cell phone and dials a number) Saria? ...Hi, it's me, Link.... yeah, just met Princess Zelda.... Yeah, she was pretty hot.

 

Navi: (hits Link on the head)

 

Link: Ow!... No, Navi's hitting me... stupid fairy. Anyway, guess what! We're going to save Hyrule from evil! ......No really, we are! Princess Zelda made us.... yeah, we're going to Death Mountain now, to get the next spiritual stone.... what? Why would I want to learn a song you made up?

 

Navi: Nonono, learn it! It could come in handy later on.

 

Link: Okay, okay. Lemme hear it.... okay, let me play it on my ocarina so I can remember it forever. (plays it on Ocarina, which begins to glow)

 

Navi: (opens her mouth as if to speak)

 

Link: (grabs Navi violently) Don't EVEN start.

 

Navi: Hmph.

 

Link: So anyway, Saria, thanks for the song... or something. We're gonna go now. See ya. (hangs up) Now wasn't that a lot easier than walking all the way through the Lost Woods? (runs to the entrance to Kakariko village)

 

Navi: ...I didn't even know he had a cell phone. (follows him)

 

Link: Yea well coz your stupid

 

Navi: What was that you just said?

 

Link: Ummm nothin just ummm sayin how nuce *ahem* you … look today *ahem*

 

Navi: (Blushes) Oh well – this is a new Dress after all.

 

Link: *Phew*

 

Navi: Should we try Impa’s idea and try those Omelettes

 

Link: Nah lets try asking around town to see where to go next.

 

Navi: Link you just can’t go Barging into Peoples homes and expect them to give you Information.

 

Link: Sure I can just watch me.

 

Navi: No! (quickly follows him inside)

 

Link: (already sitting down having tea with the lady who lives there) So all I have to do is take the road to the left us this house all the way up until I get to Death Mountain?

 

Navi: ...

 

Lady: (sip sip) Oh no, dearie. Death Mountain is dangerous, and is restricted to Royal Family members only, you cute little thing you.

 

Link: Ha! I won't have to worry about that. (stands up defiantly and points to himself) I'm the Hero of Time!

 

Lady: Of course you are, dear. Cookie?

 

Link: (takes one off the plate) Thanks! Bye! (runs out)

 

Lady: Toodles, dear! Be careful with that sword; it looks dangerous!

 

Link: (slams the door)

 

Lady: What a nice young man.

 

Link: (outside) Well, we'll go up this-

 

Chicken Lady: (pops out of nowhere directly in front of Link, stopping him in his tracks) Oh no! I lost all my chickens!

 

Link: (whispering to Navi) That's not all she's lost...

 

Navi: (nods)

 

Chicken Lady: I lost all my chickens, but I don't want to look for them... (grabs Link violently by the shirt) YOU FIND MY CHICKENS!!! FIND THEM!

 

Link: Okay, okay! We'll find your stinking chickens! Sheesh!

 

Chicken Lady: (instantly resuming her sweet gentle nature) Thank you.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Gerudo Desert...

 

Ganon: (lying on a couch) I mean, I don't TRY to be evil... just look at things from my point of view... I grew up in a family with 14 sisters, and my dad was almost sixty years old. I had to always fight to get my way, and it didn't help that all my sisters were skilled thieves! Any money I made, they would steal, and... and... (begins to cry)

 

Psychiatrist: There, there, Mr. Ganondorf... (offering him a tissue)

 

Ganon: (blows nose, trumpeting loudly) Can't I have things my way for once in my life!? All I want is the three spiritual stones and the Ocarina of Time so I can get the Triforce and rule Hyrule forever! (sniff sniff)

 

Psychiatrist: I understand where you're coming from, Ganondorf, and what you're trying to say, but maybe you should try a different approach. Instead of causing all these problems for people, maybe you could help them out, and after getting on their good side-

 

Ganon: (finishing his sentence) I could kill them all off and take it from them!

 

Psychiatrist: Well, no... I meant you could politely ask for the stone.

 

Ganon: (suddenly becoming very angry)

 

Psychiatrist: Umm... I mean... your idea is good, Mr. Ganondorf sir, but... it just doesn't seem to be working.

 

Ganon: (snaps his fingers, and four armed guards come in and begin to drag the psychiatrist away)

 

Psychiatrist: YOUR NEFARIOUS SCHEME WILL NEVER SUCCEED! THE LEGENDARY HERO OF TIME WILL STOP Y-

 

Several shots are heard, and the Psychiatrist speaks no more.

 

Ganon: That's exactly what Dr. Phil said. I mean what kind of Doctor puts his Confidential patients interviews on t.v. What a loser. If you want to see my interview tune in next week.

 

Back in Kakariko Village...

 

Link: (tired and sweaty, he gathers up his last bit of energy and tosses the uncooperative chicken into the coop) There... that's... the last one...

 

Chicken Lady: Oh, thank you! You found my chickens!

 

Link: Why couldn't you have (gasp pant) just found them yourself (wheeze)?

 

Chicken Lady: I'm allergic to chickens.

 

Link: Then why do you have them at all?!

 

Chicken Lady: (ignoring him) Besides that, I wouldn't have been able to give you this wonderful reward!

 

Link: (perks up) Oh yeah! Jackpot!

 

Chicken Lady: Let's see here... (rummaging through a coin purse)... ah, here it is. (puts a single rupee in his hand)

 

Link: (looks down at the rupee, and back at the lady)

 

Chicken Lady: (smiling) Thank you!

 

Link: Chicken lady, that's really nice, but I'd like a little bit more.

 

Chicken Lady: Well I'm sorry, honey, but that's all your getting. (smiles)

 

Link: What's that? You say you want to be disemboweled? (beginning to unsheathe sword)

 

Chicken Lady: Um... no, I said you aren't getting a better reward...

 

Link: (unsheathing it more) Gee lady, it sure sounded like you said you wanted to die today. I'd be much abliged to help you... (takes the sword out of the scabbard, resulting in a pleasant *SHING*, and the sunlight reflects off the shiny surface as Link turns it around)

 

Chicken Lady: (sweating profusely) Oh, what was I thinking? Here, you can have this. It's made out of fine glass. (carefully puts a bottle in Link's hands) There! Just keep it! Keep it, and leave me alone!

 

Link: (sheathing his sword again) Oh, you said you wanted to give me a betterreward for my troubles! I'm sorry, I'm kind of hard-of-hearing. Thank you. (walks off)

 

Navi: Haha! You sure showed that crazy chicken lady!

 

Link: Yes. Yes I did.

 

At the entrance to Death Mountain...

 

Link: Hey Guard guy, can I get through?

 

Guard: No sir, you must be a member of the Royal Family to get through.

 

Link: (suavely takes out a piece of paper) Will, uh... ehehe... will THIS work? (smiles confidently)

 

Guard: This is a receipt for one can of "Fairy-off" fairy killer.

 

Navi: (Glares at Link)

 

Link: ...(quickly grabs it from his hand and replaces it with Zelda's Letter) What are you talking about?! It's obviously a letter from Princess Zelda, telling all to let me do whatever I want, or they're fish food. I would never buy, endorse, or otherwise donate anything in any way to any fairy-killing substance. (winks at Guard)

 

Guard: (rubs his fingers together like waiters do when they want a tip)

 

Link: (glares at him, and quickly slips him 10 rupees)

 

Guard: (smiles and pockets them) Oh yes, my mistake. It was a letter from Princess Zelda after all. It says, "This is Link... he is under my orders to save Hyrule. He's also a big stupid idiot who can't fight fair and screams like a girl, and wishes he was me so he could boss people around."

 

Link: Hey! It doesn't say that!

 

Guard: See for yourself. (hands it back to him)

 

Link: (reading quietly) ......Ooh, that Zelda! I'll get her! (crumples up the letter)

 

Guard: Well, an order is an order. Go on ahead, Mr. Hero. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

 

Link: (cursing the guard under his breath, he walks through the gate)

 

Guard: Hey, Mr. Hero, wait a second!

 

Link: Grr... what do you want now?!

 

Guard: If you go up the mountain with that shield you won't survive for a second. Go back to Hyrule Castle Town and find the Bazaar; they have the shield you need.

 

Link: Okay. (walks back down the hill)

 

Guard: Hey, wait, I have something else to tell you.

 

Link: (sighs, and walks back) What?

 

Guard: You know the Happy Mask Shop? They just opened. They let you borrow masks, sell them, and you can bring back the money for however much it costs. They have this one mask call the Keaton Mask, and I really-I mean, my SON really wants it... yeah. My son.

 

Link: Well, you were a real jerk. I don't think I'm going to get it for you.

 

Guard: Please! I have to stand here all my life; I don't have a choice! Think of my son, uh... Jimmy!

 

Link: Well, okay... but only because you warned me about the shield thing. (starts back down the hill)

 

Guard: I probably should have told him he can find a free shield in the graveyard, but... feh. Oh well.

 

Half a week later, Link comes back with a Hylian Shield on his back, and the Keaton Mask.

 

Guard: Hehehe, looks like the shield's a little big for you, Mr. Hero.

 

Link: Shut up. Do you want your mask or not?

 

Guard: Ooh ooh, yes! The Keaton Mask! That's the one! My, uh... SON will be very happy.

 

Link: Right. Well, see ya. (walks up the mountain)

 

Guard: (waits until he's out of sight, then puts the Mask on himself and giggles)

 

On Death Mountain Trail...

 

Link: You know, for a mountain, this sure is easy to climb. I don't even need to find any footholds or anything, it's one little route all the way up.

 

Navi: Yeah, you would have expected that Death Mountain would actually be... you know... mountainous.

 

Link: It is uphill, though, which is still hard. I'm gonna sit and rest for a while. (sits on a rock and takes out a bottle of water)

 

Rock: (gets up)

 

Link: AUUGGHH! (quickly jumps off the "rock")

 

"Rock": Hello. I am a Goron. We eat rocks.

 

Link: ...

 

Navi: From now on, Link, expect that the first member of any race you meet will automatically sense your unfamiliarity with them and explain the intricacies of their ways to you, out of the blue. They will then begin to tell you about the problems their race has, probably hoping with all their heart that you will be the one to save them.

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #1: We eat rocks, but this boulder here is blocking the entrance to Dodongo's Cavern, where the most nutritious rocks come from.

 

Link: ..."nutritious rocks"?

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #1: Hello. I am a Goron. We eat rocks.

 

Link: ...

 

Navi: Also expect members of each race to only mutter one or two sentences to you, no matter what you say to them.

 

Link: ...Oooookaaaay.... I'm about done resting now... (backs away slowly, then turns around and runs away)

 

After about five minutes of running, they have come to the entrance to Goron City.

 

Link: (breathing heavily) Okay... I really need to rest now... (sits down)

 

Navi: According to the map, the entrance to Goron City is... that way. (points to the entrance)

 

Link: Nonono, I say it's that way! (points to a dead end)

 

Navi: Fine. Whatever. Don't listen to me; I'm just an omniscient fairy.

 

Link: (walking to where he pointed) Hmm... hey look, a weird plant! (tries to pick it up) Grr, it's a toughie! (pulling harder)

 

Big Boulder Beside the Weird Plant: (gets up, it as at least twice the size of the previous Goron)

 

Link: AUUUGGGHHH!

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Hello. I am a Goron. We eat rocks.

 

Link: Yeah, I know, it's just that you're a lot bigger than the other Goron we met.

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Oh. Yeah, we fluctuate in size greatly. Anyway, you're probably wondering what that plant there is.

 

Link: ...Well, not really, but I would like to know.

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: It's a Bomb Flower. They grow in dark, damp places, so Bomb Flowers in a location like this are extremely rare. I'm shielding it from the sun.

 

Link: How noble.

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Yes. Do you have any other questions for me?

 

Link: Yeah, where do babies come from? (snicker snicker)

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Umm... Bomb Flowers like these usually grow in Dodongo's Cavern, but right now a bunch of Dodongos showed up, and this big boulder appeared, so we can't get into it.

 

Link: Yeah that's nice and all, but I asked about-

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Yeahokayseeya! (resumes his rock-like position)

 

Link: (stands there for a moment, then knocks on it) Hello?

 

Navi: Forget about it, Link. Let's just go to Goron City. Besides, I don't have any jokes left about this guy.

 

Link: Okay. (walks into Goron city, sees lots of rock things/Gorons) Okay, so we'll justAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! (falls all the way down to the bottom level) ...Erggh....

 

Navi: HA HA HA YOUR SO STUPID

 

Link: (Gets up and dusts himself off) Shut Up. (Sits down on a Goron)

 

Goron: (gets up) I'm hungry! I want the rocks from Dodongo's Cavern!

 

Link: (On Ground) Yeah yeah, shut up, just be patient. (Gets Up)

 

Goron: Big Brother locked himself in his room and said, "I will wait here until The Royal Family's Messenger comes!"

 

Link: Hey, that's me! I'm the Royal Family's Messenger!

 

Goron: Oh yeah?! Well you also have to figure out how to get INTO his room! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (disappears in a puff of smoke and hellish fire)

 

Link: ...Um....

 

Navi: (turns green and flies near the rug on the locked door) I sense that this rug has something to do with opening the door!

 

Link: Hmm, you may be right Navi.

 

Navi: Since he's waiting for the Royal Family's Messenger, why don't you play that Royal Song you just learned? Maybe that will open the door!

 

Link: Nah, I got a better idea. (lifts up the rug and pulls out a key) See, it was under the rug the whole time!

 

Navi: ...Shut up.

 

Link: (unlocks the door and walks in; the room is totally dark) Hey, where is everything?

 

Suddenly, the torches light up, and you can see that "No rocks from Dodongo's Cavern make Big Brother go crazy" is scribbled over every inch of every wall and all over the ceiling.

 

Link: Well that's pretty unusual...

 

Voice From Undetermined Source: This is Big Brother. The boy in the green tunic could you please stop picking your nose.

 

Link: Oh Sorry (Wipes finger on a couch) Hey! Who said that!?

 

Voice From Undetermined Source: Big Brother is watching you...

 

Link: Show yourself!

 

Voice From Undetermined Source: Big Brother is watching you....

 

Link: STOP SAYING THAT! And who's Big Brother?!

 

Voice From Undetermined Source: I am! (hops into view from the closet)

 

Link: Woah!

 

Big Brother: My Goron friends call me Big Brother, but my name is Darunia. Hey, aren't you supposed to be the Royal Family's Messenger?! You're just a kid! Get lost!

 

Link: But-

 

Darunia: Get out of my face, now!

 

Link: Wait, I have a question. Can I have the Spiritual Stone of Fire?

 

Darunia: ...

 

Outside Darunia's Room...

 

Link: (flies out the door and slams into the opposite wall)

 

Darunia: And stay out! (slams the door)

 

Navi: (whispering to Link) Maybe you should try to cheer him up before you ask him to give you his most prized possession.

 

Link: No. He was a jerk. I'll just kill him and take it from him.

 

Navi: (gets in Link's face and speaks gravely) You will play Saria's Song for him and like it.

 

Link: ...O-okay. (walks back in Darunia's Room)

 

Darunia: Hey! I told you never to come back!

 

Link: Yeah, whatever. Here's a pretty song for you. (takes out the Ocarina and plays Saria's Song)

 

Darunia: ...(begins to dance like crazy) Wahoo! Oh yeah! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! YEEEEEAH! HOT! What a hot beat! (shakes his butt)

 

Link: (whispers to Navi) Told you he was gay.

 

Navi: (nods assent)

 

Darunia: (stops dancing) Suddenly, just like that, my depression is gone! I suddenly had the urge to dance! Now I'm all happy and gitty!

 

Link: Yeah I’m sure you did. (Mutters under breath) gay.

 

Darunia: So you want the Spiritual Stone, eh? Well, how about you clear up our little problem for us? Go kill all the Dodongos in Dodongo's Cavern.

 

Link: NO! I REFUSE! THAT IS GOING TOO FAR! (looks at Navi)

 

Navi: (gives him the scariest evil-eye ever)

 

Link: Umm... ehehe... I mean, sure! I'll do it right now!

 

Darunia: Wait! I want to give you this, for no reason at all, besides the fact that you couldn't defeat the Dodongos and would surely die in the cavern without this. Here. (gives him the Goron's Bracelet) Now you can pull up Bomb Flowers.

 

Link: Okay, thanks. (leaves)

 

At the Bomb Flower on Death Mountain Trail:

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Hey, what are you doing?!

 

Link: I'm going to use this Bomb Flower to blow up that boulder down there.

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #2: ...Oh. I wonder why I never though of that.

 

Link: Probably cuz you're a big stupid idiot. (drops the bomb)

 

Random, Unidentified Goron #1 (is sitting by the boulder): [BOOM] AUUGGGHHH! (dies)

 

Link: Heheh... oops. THAT'S probably why you never though of that. (drops another one)

[BOOM]

 

The boulder explodes into a million jillion pieces, so tiny that all traces and fragments of the boulder disappear forever.

 

Link: Direct hit! Ha ha! (drops down and walks into Dodongo's Cavern)

 

Navi: Well ya killed someone how do you feel?

 

Link: Same as normal. In this modern day no one really cares what happens to anyone. I bet in the future they try to figure out how people die with something called “Forensics” they probably use fingerprints and D.N.A to find out who killed them.

 

Navi: Yeah and they may have things like E-mail that can contact people on the other side of the world with-in seconds.

 

Link: Navi. You know as well as me that that is impossible.

 

Navi: Aww I was trying to get in the heat of the moment.

 

Link: Never mind now how do we get over there (points towards big Dodongo skull)

Navi: (Sarcastic) By walking

 

Link: Shut up and go get a life

 

Navi: Shut up

 

A few hours later

 

Link: (Scorching) Well that was easy.

 

Navi: Yeah. Who knew you had to throw bombs in its mouth.

 

Link: Yeah well now lets find Darunia and get that last spiritual stone.

 

Darunia: (Sneaks up behind Link) BOO

 

Link: WAUGH (Falls over) Don’t do that.

 

Darunia: (Ignoring Link) Well kid that was great but you didn’t destroy all the Dodongo’s in the Cavern.

 

Link: Hey its not my fault they reappear once you leave the room.

 

Darunia: We had a deal. No Stone unless you get rid of ALL the Dodongo’s.

 

Link: (Looks up at Darunia innocent looking) I’m sorry Darunia. I’m just a little boy that can’t do things properly.

 

Darunia: Awwww (Gives Link a bone crushing hug)

 

Link: (Struggling to breathe but manages a Smile at Darunia)

 

Darunia: Awwww shucks. Now run along there.

 

Link: (Smiles and runs off down the trail towards Kakariko Village)

 

Later…….. In Goron City

 

Darunia: Awww maybe I should give the stone to him. After all he did risk his life for us. (Searches Pockets) Augh it must be in here somewhere. (Suddenly Realises) Oh no. He. Wouldn’t

 

Somewhere in Hyrule Field. Somewhere in the Distance they hear a scream of Rage.

 

Navi: What was that?

 

Link: He he I dunno (pockets the Spiritual stone) 

 

Navi: Now where to?

 

Link: Dunno.

 

Navi: Why don’t you ask Saria?

 

Link: You know that’s a good idea. (Pulls out Ocarina)

 

Navi: Wait what happened to the Cell Phone?

 

Link: Do you know how much long distance call cost. Jez Navi use your head.

 

Navi: ???!!!!!????? I give up.

 

Somewhere in the Gerudo Valley

 

Ganondorf: Position yourself. Ready for attack. Then ……… SWING (He swings his Golf Club and the Golf Ball goes flying into Hyrule Field)

 

Caddy: Excellent Shot sir.

 

Ganondorf: (Wearing Golf Clothes. Golf Hat Golf Vest Golf Shirt Golf Pants Glove on one hand) Yeah that was. Right on the Green.

 

Caddy: Oh. I get a message that the Deku Tree no longer has the Spiritual stone.

 

Ganondorf: Oh good he mailed it to us.

 

Caddy: No uhhh he is dead and he gave it to someone else

 

Ganondorf: WHAT!? (Swings and ball goes soaring towards Kakariko Village)

 

In Kakariko Village

 

Guy on Top of Tower: He He. I’m on top off the (Ball comes and smashes him in the head) AAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH (Falls off tower and dies)

 

In Zora's Domain...

 

Link: Aw, great. More rocks blocking our way. Guess I'll whip-

 

Kaepora Gaebora: Hi!

 

Link: WAAAH! (falls down) Who are you?

 

Kaepora Gaebora: I'm God.

 

Link: (suspicious) The same God who said I can't get into heaven because my feet smell?

 

Kaepora Gaebora: (nervously) Ahahaha! Oh, did I say God? I meant Gaebora.

 

Kaepora Gaebora... I'm not God.

 

Link: Right. So what do you want, Mr. GAYbora? (snickers)

 

Kaepora Gaebora: Har har. I just wanted to tell you you're in Zora's Domain, and the Zora race live here, and they protect the water somehow, and you can't get into their home because there's a waterfall blocking it.

 

Link: Can't you just jump through the waterfall?

 

Kaepora Gaebora: (ignoring him) You have to be a member of the royal family to get in. Or someone in connection to the royal family. Or the royal family's cousins. Or the royal family's cousin's mailman. Or something.

 

Link: We get the picture.

 

Kaepora Gaebora: Great. Well anyway, I just came by here to tell you you're screwed, because you're not part of the royal family, so you can't get in. That is, unless, you somehow know the royal melody you must play to get in. Cuz that's the only way to get in. Unless you're part of the royal family. You aren't, are you?

 

Link: Well actually-

 

Kaepora Gaebora: Bye. (flies off)

 

Link: ...

 

At the waterfall leading into Zora's Domain...

 

Link: (takes out the Ocarina, and a mysterious tune plays) What was that!?

 

Navi: Oh, it happens when you do something good. Don't worry about it.

 

Link: Ahh... (plays Saria's song by mistake)

 

Navi: Do you want to talk to Saria?

 

Link: ...No...

 

Navi: Oh... then... (blushes)... do you want to talk to me?

 

Link: (blushes as well) Well...

 

Navi:……….?!?

 

Link: Ahh, fine. (plays Zelda's Lullaby, and another tune plays as the waterfall parts and a hole is clearly visible) I'm tellin' ya, those little tunes are creepin' me out... (enters Zora's Domain)

 

Inside Zora's Domain (the real one), Link and Navi are kneeling at the foot of the King.

 

Link: (respectfully) Greetings, Great King Zora. We are the royal family's messengers. We have come with orders from Princess Zelda to save Hyrule from imminent destruction. We are in need of your assistance: we require the Spiritual Stone of Water. May we have it?

 

King Zora: Oh, my dear sweet Princess Ruto... where have you gone?

 

Link: HEY! I spent HOURS working on that speech! You better respond with something worthwhile, NOW!

 

King Zora: Oh, my dear sweet Princess Ruto... where have you gone?

 

Navi: I'm afraid he won't say anything more unless we give him something.

 

Link: Screw him. I'm not getting anything. I'm going to go over there. (runs off)

 

Diving Game Zora: Ah. Hello. Would you like to play a diving game? Twenty rupees. If you pick up the rupees I toss in the allotted time period, I'll give you something good.

 

Link: What will you give me?

 

Diving Game Zora: (winks and smiles) It's a secret.

 

Link: (frowning and looking down the waterfall) I'm afraid I'm not going to take a fifty-foot dive into roughly ten-feet-deep water unless I know what I'm getting out of it.

 

Diving Game Zora: Don't be such a wuss. Readysetgo! (pushes Link off the cliff)

 

Link: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHHH! [SPLASH]

 

Diving Game Zora: Don't forget the rupees! (tosses rupees into the area where Link is)

 

Link: (dollar signs appear in his eyes) AUGH! MONEY! (quickly dives into the water and gets them all at once)

 

Diving Game Zora: (calling down from above) Hey, great! Congratulations! Come up here and claim your prize!

 

Link: (on the way back up to the Diving Game Zora) I wonder why the game costs twenty rupees, but he throws twenty-five rupees into the water for you to keep. How does he expect to make a profit?

 

Navi: Maybe he can't count. C'mon, let's collect our prize!

 

Back at the Diving Game Zora...

 

Link: Okay, so what do I get?

 

Diving Game Zora: That was such a graceful dive! Here, this is a scale of our kind. It allows you to dive much deeper than you could before.

 

Link: ...How?

 

Diving Game Zora: (suddenly very serious) That is one of the great mysteries of the universe.

 

Link: ...

 

Diving Game Zora: (snapping back into his regular friendly mood) But anyway, here it is! (gives it to Link)

 

Link: Thanks! I think I'll go dive into that hole I saw before.

 

Navi: You really shouldn't be swimming into random holes. You don't know where that could go.

 

Link: Nonsense. I'll be fine. (dives off the cliff and swims into the hole)

 

In Lake Hylia...

 

Link: (gasping and coughing for air as he rises from the bottom) Phew! I can BREATHE!

 

Navi: I told you so...

 

Link: Well who would have guessed it lead to somewhere halfway across Hyrule!?

 

Navi: Hmph.

 

Link: Besides, I- (notices shiny thing on the bottom of the lake) Hey, shiny stuff. I'll go get it. (dives down, grabs it, and comes back up)

 

Navi: You got an Empty Bottle! You can carry things in it and... what? There's already something in it!?

 

Link: Brilliant, Sherlock Holmes.

 

 Just outside Lake Hylia...

 

Link: I wonder what's inside this bottle. (he opens it) Wow, the Spiritual Stone of Water!

 

Navi: WHAT!?

 

Link: (examining it) Yeah, it was in this bottle! What luck, huh? Now we don't have to be swallowed by a large fish and go through a long and totally unfunny dungeon while being bossed around by some snobby fish-girl.

 

Navi: But... but this makes no sense! The Spiritual Stones are one-of-a-kind, sacred relics that embody the will and power of an entire race! There's no way it'd just be at the bottom of some lake!

 

Link: (pocketing the Stone) I much prefer the alteration of a dramatic storyline to the creation and publication of a boring episode, don't you?

 

Karl H: I Agree. It makes it easier writing for me.

 

Link: See?

 

Navi: ...I really don't understand this at all...

 

Near Hyrule Castle...

 

Link: Yup, got all the Spiritual Stones. Guess I better go to see Zelda now, right?

 

Navi: (still dazed by the recent events) Uh... yeah... sure...

 

Suddenly, the gate opens. Impa, with Zelda in her arms, gallops past on a white horse.

 

Link: (sees Zelda and Impa ride past) Oh my gosh! Something must be wrong!

 

Navi: (sarcastically) Wow, Link, you sure are perceptive. We wouldn't EVER know

what's going on without you.

 

Link: Shut up.

 

Zelda: (sees Link) Oh, it's that fairy boy I just met! I think I'll entrust our family's priceless heirloom passed down for hundreds of generations to him, in hopes that he would be the one chosen by destiny to save the world! Yeah, that's a good plan. (tosses the Ocarina in Link's general direction)

 

Link: Hey, what's th-OW!! (gets hit in the head with the Ocarina) Ahhh! The pain! (looks down at Ocarina) Stupid thing! (kicks it into the moat)

 

Zelda: (now pretty far away from Link, she is shocked to see him kick the Ocarina into the water) NONONO! Don't kick it away! Use it to save the world!

 

Link: (didn't quite hear her) What? What'd you-

 

Suddenly, it gets very cold. Dark clouds completely cover Hyrule's serene sky, and a violent storm comes out of nowhere. Sensing the presence of someone else, Link turns around, and suddenly his eyes widen and his face turns white. He remembers this character from his recurrent dream, which had kept him up several long nights. The evil presence he had sensed was none other than Ganondorf, King of Thieves. He is riding on a jet-black steed, which rears up and neighs dramatically.

 

Ganondorf: Curses! They got away.

 

Link: (standing there in a petrified stupor)

 

Ganondorf: (hasn't noticed Link yet) How could I obtain the Triforce and take over the world if I can't even keep up with a little ten-year-old girl!? Ahhh, it's hopeless! I'll never be able to do this! Wait.. wait... (takes out a small pink blanket and cuddles it tightly) There there, Ganondorf... you can do this... remember what Dr. Peterson said... "you can take over the world".... you can take over the world... you can take ov- (sees Link, and quickly regains his composure) Ahem! Hey, little kid! You, over there! You must have seen that white horse ride past. Which way did they go?! Answer me!

 

Link: (snickering) I saw some other stuff too.

 

Ganondorf: Wha-...you-... grr! You better not tell anyone!

 

Link: It'll cost you.

 

Ganondorf: (muttering curses to himself)

 

Link: Ah ah ah, you better not. I'll tell all of Hyrule that the GREAT KING OF THIEVES GANONDORF is nothing but a crying little baby!

 

Ganondorf: .......Shut up, kid! (shoots a powerful energy blast out of his hand at Link)

 

Link: (gets hit by the blast, and gets knocked to the ground) Gh-...ow.

 

Navi: Oooooh! You got SCHOOLED, Link!

 

Link: (dusting himself off) Shut up!

 

Ganondorf: Mwa ha ha ha ha! See, kid!? You're nothing to me! I am powerful! Now, tell me where they are!

 

Link: (staring angrily at him)

 

Ganondorf: Think you can protect them, eh?! Well, I'll find them! You'll see! Uwa ha ha! (rides off in complete opposite direction of where Impa and Zelda went)

 

Link: Ha ha ha! Loser. He'll never find them.

 

Navi: Link, shouldn't you go see what that thing was that Zelda threw at you?

 

Link: Oh yeah, that. (rubbing head in pain) I think it was a rock. A blue one.

 

Navi: It looked kind of like an ocarina.

 

Link: So?

 

Navi: Shouldn't you pick it up?

 

Link: No, I think it's a rock.

 

Navi: I think it may be the legendary Ocarina of Time, a magical Ocarina held by the Royal Family for generations that can open the door to the Temple of Time and let one obtain the Triforce, the sacred oracle that grants the power of the gods to any who may touch it.

 

Link: ...No, I'm pretty sure it was a rock.

 

Navi: OH JUST PICK IT UP!

 

Link: Okay, okay! Sheesh! (he swims into the moat and brings it to the surface. Suddenly, he receives a telepathic message)

 

Link.... Link... can you hear me? This is Zelda... by the time you get this message, I will be gone. This ocarina is the Ocarina of Time, a magical instrument of power held by the Royal Family for generations that can open the door to the Temple of Time and let one obtain the Triforce, the sacred oracle that grants the power of the gods to any who may touch it.

 

Navi: See!?

 

However, to open the door of time, you will need to know the Song of Time. Use this song, the three spiritual stones and the Ocarina of Time to open the Door of Time in the Temple of Time to save Hyrule!

 

Link: Wow, this Ocarina is awesome! It's all blue and shiny. It's a LOT better than that dumb old ocarina that Saria gave me. (throws it behind his back, and it shatters is it hits the ground)

 

Navi: Didn't Saria give that to you as a memento of your eternal friendship?

 

Link: Yeah, but look, this one's SHINY. (twirling the Ocarina of Time around and watching it gleam in the sun)

 

Navi: (looking at the shattered pieces of Saria's Ocarina on the ground) Heh… yeah, that was a pretty dumb ocarina. Look, this piece had "LINK + SARIA 4EVER" scratched in it. What a piece of junk!

 

Link and Navi: (walk away laughing)

 

In the Lost Woods…

 

Saria: (freezes in place and collapses)

 

At the Temple of Time…

 

Link: Okay, so where's this door that leads to the Triforce?

 

Navi: I don't know.

 

Suddenly, an old woman who looks suspiciously like Ganondorf walks by.

 

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (walks up right behind Link and starts talking loudly in a high voice) It sure was foolish of the builders of this temple to put the Triforce right behind that Triforce-shaped door over there. Anyone who wanted it would just have to put the Three Spiritual Stones in that pedestal over there and play the Song of Time on the Ocarina of Time, and they could easily get it.

 

Link: (still thinking)…Maybe there's some sort of application we have to fill out or something…

 

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (talking louder) Yes, I sure hope no one here has Three Spiritual Stones and the Ocarina of Time, or they could be listening to me and find out how to get to the Triforce. If they got it before Ganondorf, his whole evil scheme will be totally ruined!

 

Navi: (to Link) Maybe there's a special chant or something?

 

Link: Zelda didn't say anything about that, though.

 

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (frowns, then drops a piece of paper on the floor) Oops, I just dropped that very important document that tells exactly how to get the Triforce on the floor. I sure hope no one tries to pick it up and look at it.

 

Link: (still racking his brain)

 

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: It was careless of me to drop it. I better bend down and get it before someone picks it up and gets the Triforce. (almost yelling right in Link's ear) SOMEONE WITH THE THREE SPIRITUAL STONES AND THE OCARINA OF TIME.

 

Link: (talking to himself) Maybe if we just ASK for the Triforce, someone will give it to us…

 

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (thinking) Okay, this isn't working. I better think of a new, more simplistic plan.

 

Some time later…

 

Navi: I don't know about this, Link. It looks kind of suspicious to me.

 

Link: (walking along a trail of candy, picking up each piece and eating it) It's free candy, Navi. It can't be anything bad. ( he gets to the last candy) Hey, this long line of candies led us straight to this pedestal here.

 

Navi: (pointing) Look, there's a sign on it.

 

Above the three slots there is a crude sign that shows where all the Spiritual Stones go on the pedestal and the exact notes and hand positions for playing the Song of Time on the Ocarina.

 

Link: Gee, that sure is convenient.

 

Navi: (suspicious) You don't think anyone placed this here TRYING to get us to get the Triforce, do you, Link?

 

Link: Of course not, Navi. Don't be stupid.

 

Behind a nearby wall…

 

Ganondorf: This plan is perfect! No one's too stupid to mess this up.

 

Back at Link and Navi…

 

Link: (trying desperately to get it right) Darnit, this stupid Spiritual Stone won't fit!

 

Navi: Try turning it upside down!

 

Link: I did!

 

Behind a nearby wall…

 

Ganondorf: …

Back at Link and Navi…

 

Link: Darnit, I dropped one!

 

Navi: Here, let me get it. (flies down and picks up the Stone, but hits her head on the pedestal and drops it again, the stone landing squarely on Link's foot)

 

Link: (grabbing his foot, jumping up and down) Auugh! Auuuughhh!

 

Behind a nearby wall…

 

Ganondorf: This is ridiculous. I can't take it anymore. (walks up to Link and smacks him in the head)

 

Link: Ow!

 

Ganondorf: You idiot! Let me see those! (he snatches the Spiritual Stones from Link's hands) THIS one goes here, and THAT one goes there. The last one goes here, okay!? You're such an idiot… Give me that! (snatches the Ocarina from Link's hands and plays the Song of Time. The door opens.) THERE! Now go inside and get the sword, alright?! God, you're so STUPID! (stomps off angrily)

 

Navi: …Dang, what was his problem?

 

Link: (walking into the room) Yeah, I know. What a pill.

 

Navi: (gasps as she enters the room) Wow! Is that…

 

Link: Is that what? (sees the sword) Neat. What is it?

 

Navi: Is that the legendary blade? The bane of evil? The sword constructed long ago by the last remaining Wise Ones?

 

Link: You still haven't answered my-

 

Navi: Could that be the famous sword that crushes all wickedness and is destined to be the weapon of the Hero of Time? Is it that mythical and wonderful blade that-

 

Link: WHAT IS IT!

 

Navi: ...Is ...that ...the MASTER SWORD!?!

 

Link: (sarcastically excited) I don't know, IS IT?!?!?!?!

 

Navi: I think it IS!

 

Link: Well let's GET IT THEN!!! (grabs the sword and pulls it from the platform)

 

Suddenly, a bright light fills the room as the Triforce on the floor glows. A blue beam rises up around Link and bathes the room with light.

 

END OF PART I

 

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