Malon's Birthday

N.B. All characters and names belong to Nintendo. (Don’t sue) All characters are their adult versions, just pretend that Link never returned the Master Sword and that Kokiri can leave the forest. This is not meant to be factually accurate. Also, Malon, Saria and Zelda are CRAZY for Link, but Malon especially.

START

In the land of Hyrule, in a small forest there lived a boy of destiny, who one day went an a magical quest through time with a fairy called Navi, in order to stop an evil man from obtaining ultimate power through the Triforce.

But we know all that.

What we don’t know, is what he did afterwards. Well, I say we find out.

Kokiri forest music. Link’s house.

Link yawns and stretches as he gets up. Stomps off to his door and opens it.

Malon: Hiya Link!

Link: Nyaah! Jumps and falls over. What are you doing outside my house?

Malon: Nothing…

Link: Ri-i-i-i-i-ght.

Malon: Well, I did bring you a cake!

Link: You did? Ok…thanks?

Malon: I hope you like it. I made it especially for you! Gives him cake. It has a picture of Link and her in a heart on it made of icing, with “Love” underneath.

Link: Wow…thanks Malon. Uh…well, I’m gonna go now…

Malon: Where are you going?

Link: Saria’s place, we’re gonna go fishing today.

Malon: (With burning hatred and jealousy) Grr…Saria!

Link: Yeah, you know Saria.

Malon: Well can’t you just ditch her and come to the ranch?

Link: Uh…not really, we’ve been planning it for a while.

Malon: Oh, well how about I come with you?

Link: I don’t think so, it’s kindov a…just the two of us type of thing.

Saria comes running up to Link’s house, like at the start of OOOT, only she is older (I dunno how) and a billion times as hot. (Young Saria was ugly)

Saria: Li-i-i-i-i-i-nk! Ready to go?

Link: (Sighing with love and clasping hands together) Saria…

Malon: (With burning hatred and jealousy) Grr…Saria!

Saria: (With burning hatred and jealousy) Grr…Malon!

Link: (Climbing down ladder) Hi Saria!

Saria: Hi Link!

(Hearts floating from both. Malon comes down)

Malon: Oh, hello Saria.

Saria: Hello Malon.

(Evil looks.)

Link: OK, well, we’d better be going if we don’t wanna get caught up in traffic, you know how those Gorons can be right Saria?

(Saria and Malon take no notice as they try and stare each other down)

Link: Saria?

Saria: Right! Come on Link, (Seizes his arm) let’s go sweetie.

(Drags Link away. Malon is furious. Saria sticks her tongue out at Malon over her shoulder.)

Kokiri forest music. Link’s house, a few days later:

Link yawns and stretches as he gets up. Goes to his door, and then stops. Opens it slightly and closes it again suspiciously Looks under his mattress and behind his cow. Navi flies in through the window.

Navi: Hi Link.

Link: Hey Navi.

Navi: Lose something?

Link: Huh? No, I’m making sure Malon isn’t hiding in my house. She’s been sneaking up on me for days. She even hid under the floorboards yesterday.

Navi: Hah hah! You’ll never shake her off dude; she’s attached to you more firmly than a hungry re – dead!

Link: Yeah…Hey, do remember this large pot being here?

Navi: No, why?

Link looks in the pot. Malon is hiding inside. She smiles at him.

Malon: Hi! Umm…morning!

Link: Get out of there Malon.

Malon: Umm…I can’t.

Link: Look, why don’t you go to market, I’m sure you’ll find a nice guy there.

Malon: No guy could be as wonderful as you Link, besides, I really can’t, I’m stuck.

Link: Oh God…

Malon: Anyway, wanna come to the ranch? I had my bedroom redecorated with pictures of you, wanna see?

Link: You know, that sounds like a whole barrel of laughs, but I can’t. I’m due at the castle in an hour. I gotta meet Zelda.

Malon: (With burning hatred and jealousy) Grr…Zelda.

Link: Yeah, her. Anyway, see you later Malon.

(Link and Navi leave.)

Malon: Umm…hello? I’m still stuck here…

Zelda’s lullaby music: The Castle.

Zelda is sitting on her bed wistfully staring at signed pictures of Link and sighing romantically. There is a knock on her door.

Zelda: Who is it?

Link: The Hero of Time!

Zelda: Oh! Uh, just a second!

Rushes to the mirror, brushes her hair and takes off her formal robe off to reveal the sluttiest dress imaginable. Opens the door.

Zelda: Hi Link!

Link: Hey Zelda, I got these for you.

Gives her some flowers.

Zelda: Oh Link, they’re beautiful.

(Hearts floating from both)

Zelda: Won’t you come in?

Castle grounds:

Malon is watching Link and Zelda in Zelda’s room through some binoculars and frowning hard. Navi is there too. Zelda closes the curtains.

Navi; I don’t know why I’m here, I didn’t wanna come along and watch Link make out with Zelda.

Malon: You think that’s what they’re doing?

Navi: Probably, he does it with Saria too; they never even got their hooks in the water when they were fishing.

Malon: It’s not fair, how come Link never makes out with me!

Navi: Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you hide in his house every morning and give him love cakes all the time.

Malon: Is it so wrong to tell someone you love them?

Kokiri forest:

Several bemused Kokiri watch as Link’s house bulges with a gigantic pile of love cards.

Castle grounds:

Navi: Occasionally, yes.

Malon starts crying.

Navi: Hey, come on, cheer up. Just give him some space, that’s all.

Malon: (Whining whilst crying buckets) He doesn’t like me! WAAAAA!

Navi: Hey, stop crying, someone will hear!

Zelda’s window opens. Link looks out.

Link: Hm?

Zelda: What is it sweet-heart?

Link: I thought I heard crying…

Zelda: It’s your imagination, come back over here…

(Sounds of kissing)

Kokiri forest music. Link’s house, the next day:

Link wakes up and is immediately on the alert. Checks under the floorboards and behind the cow. Finds a note taped to the cow. Navi flies in.

Navi: Hey dude, what’s up?

Link: Look at this; it’s a note from Malon.

Navi: What’s it say?

Link: “Dear Linky-poo. I’m sorry I can’t be here this morning to say hi, but I have to stay on the ranch today and make preparations for my birthday party. It’s tonight at nine, and I know you can make it because you didn’t make any plans with Zelda yesterday, I know because I was watching.

See you tonight, more love than can be possibly counted,

Malon.”

Navi: She must have big writing, that bit of paper is huge!

Link: She has tiny writing, the rest is all kisses.

Navi: So, you gonna go to the party?

Link: Are you kidding? No way! That girl is nuts! If I go it’ll only fuel her insane obsession with me!

Navi: You mean you forgot to get her a present.

Link: Yeah, that too.

Navi: I think you should go.

Link: Since when have you been my conscience?

Navi: Since you tried to chicken out of saving Zelda from Ganon’s castle because you were afraid of re-deads. Triforce of courage my fairy ass.

Link: You haven’t told anyone about that have you?

Navi: I won’t tell if you go to the party.

Link: Ugh, fine I’ll go. What should I get her though?

Navi: Hey, that’s your problem. See you at the party.

Leaves. Link is left alone and confused.

Lon Lon ranch: that night:

It’s Malon’s birthday! There are streamers and decorations everywhere and a big cake shaped like a horse. Saria, Navi, Talon, Ingo, Ruto and Zelda are there, and Malon has temporarily put aside her feud with the girls in the face of all the birthday spirit. However, there is one person missing…

Malon: Do you think he got the invitation?

Navi: Oh he got it alright, I was there.

Saria: Don’t worry Malon, I’m sure he’ll turn up; he probably just got held up by monsters or something.

Zelda: Nah, if there were any monsters I’d be the first to know.

Saria: How come?

Zelda: They would’ve kidnapped me by now.

Navi: Maybe he’s out looking for a present.

Malon: Just him being here would be the greatest gift of all…

Navi: Oh…right. He might not know that.

Malon: I know why he’s not here…

Zelda: Why?

Malon: (Whining whilst crying buckets) He doesn’t like me! WAAAAA!

Saria: Stop crying! You’re getting everybody wet!

Navi: Help! I’m drowning!

Malon: WAAAAAA!

Saria: (Just to Zelda) Jeez, what a jerk! I can’t believe he didn’t turn up!

Zelda: (Just to Saria) I know, he can be so harsh sometimes!

Saria: Dreamy though…

Zelda: Yeah…

Saria: And he kisses so well…

Zelda: Yeah I know…

(Hearts drifting off them, they sigh romantically)

Malon: WAAAAA!

Ruto: Man, you’re putting even the Zora waterfall to the challenge!

Suddenly there is the sound of a horse approaching.

Malon: Could it be?

Saria: Is it really him?

Zelda: I think it is!

Ruto: My future husband!

Saria: Over my dead body, oh my God it is him!

Malon: My love has arrived!

To the Zelda theme tune, Link arrives on Epona, looking his most dashing. He smiles cheekily.

Link: A little birdie told me that it was Malon’s birthday today!

Navi: I’m not a bird! How hard is that for you to realise!

Kapora Gaebora (Wol the owl): I’m not that little…

Malon: (Hearts for eyes) Oh Link, I knew you’d come! I knew you’d show up!

Zelda: What kept you?

Saria: Yeah, what took you so long, we were getting worried!

Link: I got caught between a nutter and some re-deads.

Saria: Don’t you mean a rock and a hard place?

Link: Nope.

Navi: It’s about time, I thought you’d never show up!

Link gets down off Epona.

Saria: Oh wait, I forgot to say hi!

Grabs him and kisses him extensively.

Zelda: Uh, me too!

Heaves Saria off Link and moves in herself.

Link: Well, that was good. We should do that again sometime girls.

Saria/Zelda: Gigglegigglegiggle.

Malon: Uh, hi Link…

Link: Hey Malon.

Awkward silence. Navi holds up a cue card behind Malon which Link reads off.

Link: (Obviously reading it off) “Malon, I’m sorry I treated you so badly, I now realise I was wrong. Please accept my hand in…” hey, who the hell wrote that!

Navi: Sorry.

Link: Look, the bottom line is, I’m really sorry. OK?

Malon: Sure! No problem!

Awkward silence.

Link: Go ahead.

Link and Malon kiss.

Saria: It’s too bad that polygamy is illegal in this country.

Zelda: Yeah, we’re gonna have to fight for him.

END

By Olly.

Secret funny scene! Please read!

Sheik: So that’s it Link, I’m sorry I had to hide my true identity from you…

Link: Wait, so, bottom line…you’re a girl?

Sheik: Yeah…

Link: Thank goodness! Man, is that ever a relief, hah! I thought I was gay! Oh god…hah heh! OK, OK I’m done, sorry you were saying something about saving the world?