Legend of Zelda Re-Write by Ben Fuller

In Link's house...

Navi: (flies in) Hey Link, wake up! You've-

Link: (talking in his sleep) No... oh no! An ugly man on an ugly black horse riding through flames! This must mean Hyrule is about to fall into a seven-year period of war and famine under his terrible iron fist of evil!

Navi: ...

Link: (gets up, but still asleep) I've got to stop him!

Navi: I know I'm not supposed to wake up sleepwalkers, but--

Link: With my trusty sword... (grabs Navi)

Navi: Augh!

Link: ...and my Hylian Shield... (grabs a book on the table)

Navi: (trying to push herself out of his grip) Why do I get the crazy, weird kid!?

Link: ...I will be unstoppable! (walk outside)

Outside, in Kokiri Village...

Mido: (to a group of Kokiri) ...and THEN, that stupid no-fairy kid walked into the Z-targeting contest, joined, failed miserably, and when he lost, get this.... when he lost... he said, "Hey! That's no fairy!" GET IT???!! FAIRY? (bursts into laughter) Oh, what a stupid kid! (starts laughing again)

Everyone else: ...

Mido: (Whispering to everyone) Um... hey, Mr. No Fairy came outside! Let's all laugh at him and forget the weird thing I just said.

Everyone else: Okay! (turns to look at Link)

Link: (defiantly) AND NOW I WILL SAVE HYRULE AND BECOME THE LEGENDARY HERO OF TIME!!!

All: ....(burst into laughter)

Random Kokiri Kid #1: Him! The Hero of Time! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Laughing while pointing at Link)

Random Kokiri Kid #2: (in tears from such hard laughter wiping his tears with his finger ) I know! He's so stupid!

Random Kokiri Kid #3: He doesn't even have a fairy! He definitely can't defeat anyone without being able to look at one thing and circle it, or talk to people ten feet away or more, or identify certain secrets. You know, all those easy, normal things other races can do without a fairy. ...Hahahahaha! He's so dumb!

Mido: And the KICKER is, he's gonna do it all with a book and a...a... (his eyes squint to get a better view, then his eyes widen) FAIRY!?

Everybody: (Gasps)

Link: (wakes up) Huh? What?

Mido: What's that kid doing with a fairy!? He must have stole it from another Kokiri in the night! Who's missing a fairy? Saria?

Saria: Nope

Everyone els: Not me.

Mido: Grr... well, are we all here?

Random Kokiri Kid #1: All of us but Saria, but she's always running - (get’s pushed into the dirt by someone running by)

Saria: (running by) Link! Link! Oh, hey wow, you have a fairy! This is so cool! But... you know it works better if you let it go.

Link: A fairy? What are you talking about?

Saria: Um... in your right hand you're holding a copy of "Kokiri for Dummies", and in the other you're holding a fairy.

Link: AAAHHHHHHH! A BUG! KILL IT! (uses the book to smash Navi into a wall)

Navi: I hate this kid already. I really do.

Saria: (shakes head) Nonono, Link, that's a fairy. You have a fairy now! You're a full-fledged Kokiri!

Link: Really? I do?! Great! Hahaha, IN YOUR FACE MIDO!

Mido: (taps foot angrily and walks into his house)

Saria: Forget about him, he shouldn't give you any more trouble. (to fairy) So, you lucky little fairy, what' your name?

Navi: (bandaging herself) Well, "lucky" isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe me right now, but I'm Navi and I've been assigned to Link, and he's been summoned by the great Deku Tree!

Saria: WOW! Link, you get to go talk to the Deku Tree! This is so great! But... first you need to learn how to use a fairy.

After hours at the Kokiri Training grounds...

Link: Hahaha! (Link, dancing around In a Circle) I now know how to use a fairy!

Navi: (sarcastic) Great. Perfect. Forget the fact that we were SUPPOSED to be talking to the Great Deku Tree hours ago. Yeah, FORGET about all that, it's not important.

Link: Oh yeah, that. That tree guy. What was his name again?

Navi: The Deku Tree

Link: Ohhhhhhh…. Now I know his name!

Mido: (Chuckling)

Navi: Let's just go, okay?

Mido: (stops them with his incredibly Mido Forcefield of Death) Wait a minute there, Mr. No-Fairy-That-Now-Has-A-Fairy! That 15-foot path to the Deku Tree is dangerous. You need at least a sheild and a sword.

Navi: (buries her face in her hands) Oh no! More delays! The Deku Tree is probably boiling with anger right now!

Back at the Deku Tree...

Old Deku Tree: (lazily watching TV) I wonder why Navi and Link aren't here yet.... feh. Oh well. (goes back to watching TV)

Cosmo (From the Farily Odd Parents) on TV: I’ll never let you go!

Wanda (From the Farily Odd Parents) on TV: Hurry before you know who comes back!

Old Deku Tree: Hahahahaha.

Back at the entrance, Link now has a sword and a shield.

Link: Okay, I got this puny sword and this wooden shield thing. Can I go now?

Mido: WHHAAAAAAAATTT?!? How did a little wimp like you find... well, no matter. You can't pass yet anyway. You have to pass the SEVEN TRIALS.

Link: Seven Trials?

Mido: Yes, the Seven Trials! The first trial is defeating 100 Wolfos at once with a toothpick. (smiles, but notices Saria behind Link)

Saria: (staring at him angrily)

Mido: Um... heh heh... actually, you can skip the trials and go. If you want. ....(runs away)

Link: Great! (walks into the entrance)

Link: (walks into the area with the Deku Tree) Okay, so where is this Deku Tree guy, anyway?

Deku Tree: Look here, young one, I am here.

Link: (looking around warily) Who said that!?

Deku Tree: It is I, the great Deku Tree, right in front of thee.

Link: (smiling slyly) Ahh, I got it figured out! ...Come out from behind that tree, Mr. Deku Tree! I know you're hiding somewhere behind that ugly old thing!

Deku Tree: (a single tear rolls down his face, as he remembers bygone days of sadness)...

Deku Tree: (only a tiny Deku Tree, in school with other, bigger deku trees. You know he gets picked on because he's smaller and he wears thick glasses that are bandaged in the middle with tape, and he gets good grades. And he's ugly and nerdy-looking.)

Random Deku Tree #1: (pushes the Deku Tree down and laughs)

Deku Tree: Hey! Leave me alone you big bully!

Random Deku Tree #1: Don't you talk to us that way, little runt! What should we do to him for disrespecting us, dude!?

Random Deku Tree #2: Let's make him run! You know, he has that asthma thing!

Deku Tree: No! Please, not that!

Random Deku Tree #1: (smiling evilly) Ha ha ha, yeah! Let's make him run until he has to stop to take that asthma thing, and then we can beat him up!

Deku Tree: No! Please don't! (begins to run away)

All: (run after him)

Deku Tree: (after about three minutes of running, he is wheezing and coughing, and he must stop. He takes puffs of his inhaler, and he begins to run again, but he sees the shadow of the others looming behind him. He turns to them slowly, and then gets punched in the face. The others close in on him, and beat him senseless, laughing all the way. As he is getting beaten, he thinks to himself) I'll show them... someday I'll be the guardian of an entire race... they'll see...

Link: (snapping him out of his reverie) Hello!? Deku guy! You haven't said anything for about three minutes, are you okay?

Deku Tree: What? Oh. Link, I am the Great Deku Tree: The Guardian of the Forest. (sniff)

Link: ...What?

Deku Tree: It is I who protect this forest from evil.

Link: But where are you? Show yourself! All I see is a big tree.

Navi: (sighing and shaking her head) Link... Deku Tree... the tree IS him.

Link: ...Oh. I guess I never put that together. So that big thing is the Deku Tree?

Deku Tree: Yes, Link, and we must talk. Surely thou hast been having troubling dreams.

Link: (suddenly embarrassed) What? What are you talking about?

Deku Tree: I know that thou have unusual dreams that others do not have.

Link: (blushing) How do you know about that?!

Deku Tree: Tell us your dreams, Link. They affect the fate of the world.

Link: (struggles with himself for several seconds about revealing his dreams. He seems uncomfortable.)

Deku Tree: Come now, Link. Tell us. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Link: ....Well... okay.... sometimes I have dreams where I wear a frilly pink dress with polka dots and a little bonnet and I dance for Mido and the other Kokiri. I like those dreams because I feel pretty.

Navi and Deku Tree: ...

Link: But, how does that have anything to do with the fate of the world?

Navi: I can't believe this kid is the Hero of Time. Seriously, we are so doomed.

Deku Tree: No Link, I speak of the dreams with the world being in turmoil. Those terrible dreams showing Hyrule utterly destroyed. The dreams particularly showing one man on a black horse.

Link: (face turns red) Oh, those. Right. I knew that. I was only kidding about those other dreams. ...Really.

Deku Tree: Yea. That man from your dreams has poisoned me, Link. He has set a curse upon me, which somehow fills me with monsters of unthinkable ugliness.

Link: Uglier than you?

Deku Tree: (eyes watering up)... Yeah. Uglier than me. Now hurry up and get inside me and kill these things before I... I... (bursts into tears and opens up his mouth to allow Link inside)

Link: Aww, sorry big guy. I'll go inside you and kill the ... things for you. (walks in)

Link: (walks into the Deku Tree) Wow... this is some curse! It hollowed the Deku Tree out and made walkways, locking doors, torches, and stuff!

Navi: I think he was already like this.

Link: Oh, what? He hollowed himself out, I think I'll hollow myself out and make walkways and doors and really high cliffs inside me, in case someone ever puts a curse one me, so that a young boy can come and break the curse. Yeah, that's what I'll do!

Navi: (sighs, and speaks sarcastically) Exactly, Link. That's exactly what he thought.

Link: Wow. He sure was cautious.

Link and Navi go through the trials of the level together, until finally, they come to a big door

Navi: HEY!

Link: OW! You screamed in my EAR, you little bug! What do you want?!

Navi: This is a DOOR! Open is by standing in front of it and pressing A. Some doors are locked or barred, so pay attention to what the Action Icon says!

Link: ........You screamed in my ear to tell me how to open a door.

Navi: Well, some people don't know how.

Link: Who did you work with before, Mido? I'm the HERO OF TIME! I can do easy stuff like this. (walks forward, reaches for an inexistent doorknob and slams into the door)

Navi: (crosses her arms and smirks)

Link: (rubbing his head) Shut up. Just, don't say anything at all.

Navi: Heh heh heh.

They continue their journey, until they come to a Deku Scrub sitting in a flower-like-thing on the ground

Link: Oh, hey Deku Scrub guy! Don't mind us, we're just passing through.

Deku Scrub: (shoots a deku seed at Link, knocking him down)

Link: Augh! (gets up) Little punk! No one messes with the HERO OF TIME! Die! (unsheaths his sword)

Deku Scrub: WAIT!!!

Link: (freezes in place) What?

Deku Scrub: I'm sorry, sir! I'll never do it again! If you let me go, I'll tell you a secret on how to beat my brothers up ahead!

Link: Hm... lemmethinkNO! (slices the Deku Scrub into tiny pieces of grass and bark)

Navi: That wasn't very smart, Link. I would have listened to him; his information might have been of some use to us.

Link: What? And let him go? HA! The HERO OF TIME shows no mercy!

Navi: Whatever. Let's go.

Finally, Link and Navi get to one room with water and three Deku Scrubs.

Link: (looking at the map) Okay... according to the map, we're at the front of the Deku Tree, so we should go.... THAT way! (points to a blank wall with nothing on it)

Navi: Um, Link, you-

Link: Nonono! I'm sure this is a fake wall or something. I'll knock it down. (smashes into it, then falls down on the ground) Ouch.

Navi: Link, you were holding the map upside down. We go THAT way, (points into the area with the three Deku Scrubs. The boss is right behind that door.

Link: (gets up) Oh. I knew that. (walks over to the deku scrubs)

Deku Scrubs: (all shoot at him at once)

Link: AHHHHHHH! (sheilds himself, and the deku seeds bounce right off the shield back to the deku scrubs, suprisingly losing no momentum or speed. The middle scrub is hit and turns purple.)

3rd Deku Scrub: (shoots at him)

Link: (uses the sheild to bounce the deku seed back at him as well)

1st Deku Scrub: (just sits there)

Link: Well? Come on! Shoot at me!

1st Deku Scrub: No. You'll hurt me.

Link: I promise I won't. My Shield will just bounce it back over to right of you.

1st Deku Scrub: I don't believe you.

Link: Okay then, we'll do this the hard way. DIE! (rushes towards him with sword drawn)

(Link Rushes over to the Deku Scrub and barely touches him with his sword to the tip of his nose.)

1st Deku Scrub: AUUGGHH! Okay, okay! But if you let me go, I'll tell-

Link: Silence, Scrubboy! You die, now!

Navi: HEY!

Link: OW! What now?!

Navi: Maybe you should listen to this guy and let him go.

Link: Oh, right. Well, okay. (gets off him)

1st Deku Scrub: Thank you, sir, here is the information: "You will never defeat Queen Gohma unless you hit her while she's stunned."

Link: Okay. You may go now.

1st Deku Scrub: Oh, THANK YOU SIR! (runs off)

Link: (hits him with a deku seed from behind)

1st Deku Scrub: AAAAIIIIIIIEEE!!! [HE EXPLODES]

Link: Hahaha, that loser. He thought I was really going to let him get away.

Navi: Link, that was mean.

Link: I'm the HERO OF TIME! I can do whatever I want. (walks through the door)

Navi: You're going way too far with this "hero of time" thing.

They walk into a totally empty room, aside from a few bushes and a pillar or two. Two things were strange about the room, however: There was an eerie fog collecting on the floor, and a strange, repetitive sound was coming from somewhere.

Link: What the heck is that?

Navi: ... I don't know...

Link: Hahaha, maybe one of the- (stops, and face turns white)

Navi: ....one of the what? Link? (looks up, and screams)

Queen Gohma: (looks at them, rolls its one eye all around it's socket, then drops down in front of them. It stands on one leg, and the other three legs loom over Link, and it roars several times and looks at him sternly)

Link: ..............AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (runs away)

Link: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Still running away)

Queen Gohma: ROOOAAAARRR!

Link: (huddled against a wall) Good God, it's ugly! Oh, I can't bear to look at it! (shuts eyes tight)

Queen Gohma: (slowly advancing towards Link)

Link: (still has eyes closed tight, begins to throw things at Queen Gohma) Get away! (throws his sheild, a copy of "Kokiri Life" magazine, his lunch, and Navi all in the direction of the roars from Queen Gohma)

Navi: Hey! Don't throw me!

Link: (throws a Deku Nut at Queen Gohma, which lands at her feet and explodes, emitting a blinding flash)

Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and begins spasming and palpitating)

Link: (takes a peek to see what happened) Hey! She's stunned! Apparently those Deku Nuts emit a flash for a split-second and temporarily stun whatever is in front of it!

Navi: DUH! That's what I told you as soon as you picked one up!

Link: You did? Oh. I wasn't really listening.

Navi: You idiot!

Link: (begins slashing and slicing and dicing Queen Gohma's eye)

Queen Gohma: (gets up, backs away from Link and climbs onto the ceiling)

Link: Ha! It's retreating! I won! Nah nah, in your face, ugly bug thing!

Three balls drop from Queen Gohma.

Link: Um... The three balls burst open, and from them come little mini-versions of Queen Gohma.

Navi: AWWWWW! They're so CUTE!!

Link: (fighting them off) Cute!? They're incredibly ugly!

Navi: one, let's keep him!

Link: (stabbing the others) NO!

Queen Gohma: (drops back down)

Link: You fool! You've made the Hero of Time angry! Now you die! (throws a Deku Nut down on the ground)

Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and spasms again)

Link: DIE, EVIL SPACE MONSTER!! (begins cutting and slicing Queen Gohma's eye as quickly as possible)

Navi: "Space monster"?

Queen Gohma: (suddenly rises up from the ground and shakes a little before its eye explodes and it falls to the ground and disintegrates into little tiny pieces)

Link: Yahaha! I won!

A circular blue portal appears on the ground, which Link walks into and floats upward.

Back outside, in front of the Deku Tree...

Link: Okay Deku Tree, we got rid of your curse. Now give us the money.

Deku Tree: Money? Never did I promise a monetary reward.

Link: (shrugs) It was worth a shot.

Deku Tree: (sighs) Link, although I cannot give thee any money, I thank ye...

Link: No problem... (under his breath) ... cheapskate.

Deku Tree: I will tell you the Legend of the Triforce. Wilst thou listen?

Link: Do I really have a choice? This is just one of those fake choices throughout the game in which only one answer will allow me to progress at all, while the other choice just results in you asking the question over and over again until I give you the answer you want!

Deku Tree: I will tell you the Legend of the Triforce. Wilst thou listen?

Link: (sighs) ... Yes. (sits down, gets some pop corn and a remote)

Navi: What's the remote for?

Link: To change the channel, duh.

Navi: ........................... Nevermind. Forget it. I give up.

Deku Tree: When this land was still young, and turmoil and pestilence governed the land, three golden Goddesses descended upon this land. Din, Goddess of Power... Farore, Goddess of Wisdom... and Nayru, Goddess of Courage.

Link: Cool.

Deku Tree: Din... with her strong flaming arms, she cultivated the land and created the red earth. Farore... with her wisdom, she poured the spirit of law over the world. Nayru... she created all life forms that would uphold the law. And when these goddesses left this world, they left behind the Triforce, the sacred oracle of power on which we base our providence.

Deku Tree: Link... Navi... the man who put the curse-... HEY! LISTEN!

Link: (wakes up) Hm? Wha? Oh, sorry.

Deku Tree: The man who put the curse on me is from the desert... you must never let this man get his hands on the Triforce. The fate of Hyrule, nay, the world depends on it.

Link: Yeahsurewhatever. Can we go now?

Deku Tree: Be patient, Link. I have more to say.

Link: (exasperated sigh)

Deku Tree: I will pass away soon....

Link: Uhuh.

Deku Tree: ...

Navi: ...

Link: ...

Deku Tree: ...

Link: ...What?

Deku Tree: I, the one who hast been the guardian spirit of the Kokiri for centuries, am about to die and leave the forest without protection from evil. Dost thou not care?

Navi: Not really.

Link: I'm actually kind of glad.

Deku Tree: (crying)... Fine. Just get out. Just take this Spiritual Stone and get out. (gives them the Spiritual Stone of the Forest)

Link: Thanks!

Deku Tree: Navi... I entreat ye... (dies)

Navi: Huh? What?

Link: Yeah! Free firewood for life!

Navi: What?

Link: Look at him! He's huge! We can use him for firewood forever!

Navi: ...

Link: Ooh ooh, even better: We can cut him up and sell him! Like, "get a piece of the Great Deku Tree, only 50 rupees!"

Navi: Um... let's just go... (quietly) before you get any other crazy ideas...

Link and Navi: (leave)

Link: (walks out into Kokiri Forest)

Mido: (uses his incredible Mido Forcefield of Death once again) STOP!

Link: (sigh) What do you want now, you puny little non-Hero of Time?

Mido: Something happened to the Great Deku Tree! What did you do!?

Link: Well... um... er...

Mido: You KILLED HIM, didn't you!? I am going to spread the word that you are out to kill us ALL!! (Runs off screaming insanity)

Link: Oh yeah?! Well, er , uh, you're a big… uh.. yeah, take that!

Navi: Let's just get out of here and head to Hyrule Castle Town, okay?

On the intersection between Kokiri Forest and Hyrule Field...

Link: Well, here I am. Leaving Kokiri Forest, my home.

Saria: (appears out of nowhere behind Link) Boo.

Link: Waaah! (falls down)

Saria: Ha, ha! Fooled you.

Link: That trick gets really old, really fast. What do you want?

Saria: (suddenly adopts a melancholy attitude) Oh... so you are going, then...?

Link: Um... yeah. That was the general idea.

Saria: I knew we were never meant to be together forever. You see, you are different from me and my friends...

Link: Why are you acting so weird?

Saria: (ignoring hm) Here, Link... take this Ocarina as a momento... please take care of it. Whenever-

Navi: You got an Ocarina! Go to the Items subscreen and assign it to-

Link: I KNOW ALREADY!!!

Saria: But even though you won't always be here, Link, I know we'll be friends... forever.

Audience: Awwww.

Link: Well, I really must be embarking on my incredible adventure. See you. (runs out)

Saria: ... Goodbye...

Now in Hyrule Field...

Link: This is great! Look how big it is! Now we can-

Voice from above: Link!

Link: What? Who said that? …Is this God?

VFA: ...Yes. It's God. I'm here to tell you that you aren't going to heaven.

Link: Ugh! Why not!?

VFA: Um... your feet stink. (snicker snicker)

Link: My feet stink!? What kind of reason is that!?

VFA: Silence! I'm GOD!

Link: Yes sir.

VFA: Now Link, I'm going to tell you what to do next. If you head straight from here, you will get to Hyrule Castle Town. Go to the castle and find some way to get past their heavy security system consisting of several blind and deaf guards, okay?

Link: Um... God, sir... I'd like a little more information; that's not-

VFA: SILENCE FOOL!!!!

Link: Y-y-yes sir! I'll go right now, sir! (runs away)

Kaepora Gaebora: Hahaha, I should have thought of that years ago. (flies away)

Hours later, in Hyrule Castle Town...

Link: Wow! Look at all the shops and people!

Navi: Yeah, this is what a normal, technologically-advanced town looks like. See, it has painted buildings and stuff. They also employ-

Link spots a young pretty red haired girl swaying back and forth. He walks over charmingly and leans on the wall, looking the girl in the eyes.

Link: Hey there, baby.

Red haired girl: ...A fairy! You look like Peter Pan!

Link: Yup, and you're my happy thought. Ooh, that was a good one.

Navi: (breaks out into laughter)

Red haired girl: My name is Malon, what's yours?

Link: They call me Link, back in the homelands. But listen, I'm in a hurry, just gotta... (coughs)... save the world. But you can bet your buttons that I'll find you again. Toodles.

At the castle gates...

Link: Hi, Mr. Guard guy. Can I get through, please?

Guard: With all the activity around here, I can't even let a dog get into the castle!

Link: Cool, dogs walk up asking to get in the castle?!

Guard: ...You know what I mean. Nothing can get through.

Link: Well, I kinda need to see Princess Zelda, so I'll just be going along... (walks past the guard)

Guard: (pushes him down)

Link: (falls on his butt) Ow! HEY!

Guard: You heard me! No one gets through!

Link: (mutters and walks away)

Guard: (tosses Navi out as well)

Navi: I told you you can't just walk right past them!

Link: (suddenly notices Malon on the side and straightens up) Hey, cupcake.

Malon: Hey, did you happen to see a hairy guy asleep in the castle?

Link: No, we didn't even get inside. The guards tossed us--um, I mean... we didn't want to go in yet... we weren't tossed out.

Malon: (looks at him)

Link: (laughs nervously and quickly changes the subject) So, uh, you want us to find some hairy guy?

Malon: Actually, he's my dad. We run the ranch right in the middle of Hyrule but he probably fell asleep somewhere around the castle.

Link: ...

Malon: Well, here's an egg. (thinking, "Let it hatch and then use it to wake up my father")

Link: (grabs the egg, thinking, "breakfast") So, uh any suggestions on how to get inside?

Malon: You can use these vines here. (points to vines)

Link: (suddenly regaining his composure) Hey, wait a second, I don't need your help! It just so happens that me and Tinkerbell over here have a GREAT plan of our own to get in, right Tink?

Navi: ...Er, uh, yeah... and a good one at that...

Link: But, uh... just to see if your plan would work... (jumps onto vines and starts climbing)

Malon: Hee hee hee.

Link: Hey! Stop looking up my tunic!

Malon: Sorry. (giggles)

Link: (jumps down immediately) It might work, but uh, our plan is better, so... yeah. You can go away so we can get to work.

Malon: (giggles) Sure. See you, fairy boy. (skips away)

Link: (watches her and waits for her to skip out of sight) Ok, lets go up the vines and get inside.

Navi: What about that "plan" you had?!

Link: ...

Navi: ...

Link: ...Let's go.

One minute later...

Link: (gets thrown onto the ground again along with Navi) Ouch!

Guard: We're serious, stay out!!

Link: (stands up and dusts self off) That's it, time to pull out the heavy artillery!

Three minutes later...

Link: (wearing Groucho Marx novelty glasses and a Domino's uniform) Pizza delivery!

Guard: Pizza, eh? Okay, go on ahead. (opens the gate)

Link: (whispering to Navi) Hehe, we did it! (walks a few more steps, then trips over his own foot and drops the box, which opens and splatters twigs and leaves all over the ground)

Link: Oops. (glasses fall off)

Navi: LINK!

Guard: You!

Later...

Link: (walks past unconscious guard) I didn't know why we didn't think of that before.

Navi: Yeah, I know. I mean, those rocks were sitting there, right in front of us, and we never even thought of using them.

Eventually, Link slips past the rest of guards and makes his way to the side of the castle, where they meet Talon.

Talon: ZzzZzzZZzz... welcome to Lon Lon Ranch... have some fun... ZZzzZz...

Link: HEY! WAKE UP!!!

Talon: zzZzzZzzZZZzzz...

Navi: Why don't you use that egg?

Link: Hehe, yeah. (whispering in his ear) The chickens! The chickens, Talon! They're coming to get you, Talon! You can't hide forever, Talon! Cockledoodledoo, haha!

Talon: ...No... no, the chickens, no!

Suddenly, a full-grown chicken hatches from the egg Malon gave Link and hops onto the ground.

Chicken: Cockledoodledooo!

Sleeping Guy: ZZzzZzzzZZzzZz

Chicken: (Eyes widen, attacks Malon's father, snapping at his ear) Cocklleragakagurgle!!

Talon: ZZzzZzzZZzzZzzzz...

Link: Oh well. (rolls him, and pushes him into the river)

Malon's father: (wakes up) *Gurgle* *Choke* What in tarnation! (Flows away quickly out of sight.)

Out of pure luck, Talon happened to leave two boxes of milk sitting out which, if pushed into the stream across from a tiny whole, allows Link and Navi to enter the castle. After releasing the killer chicken to clear the way...

Link and Navi: (walk by noticing dead men everywhere with separated limbs, missing heads and blood all over the place and the chicken cuddling innocently in the corner.)

Link: (reaching the end) Aww, just our luck, a dead end.

Navi: Maybe you should go talk to that girl. She might know a way in.

Link: (sarcastically) Yeah right, Navi, that little girl will just HAPPEN to-

Voice: YAAAAAHH!!

Link: (Looks up for a split second, he is able to see a dark figure attacking, who was protected from view by the suns bright light.)

Figure: (drop kicks Link)

Link: (kicks her off of him and jumps up, beathing hard) What the heck are you doing!?

Zelda: Oh, so it's a fight you want, huh?

Link: Bu-... you-... YOU'RE the one that jumped ME!

Zelda: (takes fighting stance)

Link: (sighs) Oh, fine. (draws sword)

Zelda: Hey! We're gonna fight fair!

Link: (sheathes sword)

For a moment, they stand totally still, giving each other eye-piercing looks. Readying themselves to defend against attacks, they bend their knees slightly, and look into each other's eyes. After several tense moments, they attack each other in a split-second.

Zelda: (throws a punch)

Link: (catches punch, and kicks)

Zelda: (dodges, and twists herself so that she can kick Link in the head from behind)

Link: (jumps away and does a few flips in the air before landing)

Navi: Why exactly are you two fighting?

Zelda: (runs at Link)

Link: (trips her)

Zelda: (on the ground, brings her leg around and trips Link, while at the same time getting up. She sits on Link, and throws a punch)

Link: (grabs her arm and kicks her over him)

Zelda: (hits a wall, but kicks off it and brings her feet smashing into Link's face)

Link: Augh! (falls on the ground, and puts his hand to his face. He takes it away, and realizes he has a bloody nose. His eyes fill with rage, and he gets up, keeping his head down and shaking with unreleased fury. Suddenly, he looks up, sending Zelda a look that could cut glass)

Zelda: (takes a cautious step backwards)

Link: (in a split second, Link attacks. Running at the speed of a race horse, he kicks Zelda into a wall. He punches Zelda in the stomach over and over again, before finally putting his hand on the ground, twisting himself around, and kicking Zelda with both feet)

Zelda: (falls to the ground, and doesn't move)

Link: (snapping out of his angry trance) Heh heh... oops.

Navi: (sarcastic) Well good job, Link, you killed her.

Link: (walks over to Zelda, but looks at Navi) Well how was I supposed t-

Zelda: (suddenly gets up) Think you've won, eh? I was just taking a breather! You are pretty good, I'll give you that, but you could never beat me!

Link: Ha! Like I could LOSE! Me, Link, the Hero of Time, lose to a little girl. Heh.

Zelda: Wait... did you say you were the Hero of Time?

Link: Yeah, why?

Zelda: Then... are you from the forest?

Link: Uh-huh.

Zelda: Then... tell me... do you have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest?

Link: Yeah. (takes it out) Pretty, isn't it?

Zelda: (smiles) Then I was right!

In the castle courtyard, Zelda and Link are talking and bandaging their wounds.

Link: Yeah, apparently. I did save the Deku Tree from a terrible curse, after all.

Link: (jumps up) I didn't murder him! I swear I didn't do it! You can't prove I did it! Nobody saw me!

Zelda: Oh... sometimes I have dreams about things that will happen in the future-you know, prophecies-and it usually isn't good. This particular dream, I've been having for a few weeks now, so I know it's important: dark clouds covered all of Hyrule, and everything good inside it. However, a beam of light shot from the forest and parted the clouds, and inside the light was a figure holding the Spiritual Stone of the Forest, followed by a fairy.

Zelda: I told my father, but he doesn't believe it's important. However, I think the time for Hyrule's demise is near, because I know that the dark clouds in my dream represent that man in there! (Points to the chamber the window leads into) Will you look through the window at him?

Link looks through the window, and sees a man bend down in salute to someone he could not see. He is very tan, and has a very big nose. He has red hair, and is about six feet tall. His clothes are adorned with jewels of every kind, and he wears armor all over. His back is covered with a large red cape, and he is wearing big gloves. Strangely, his eyebrows grow into his hair.

Zelda: Yeah, he is pretty ugly, isn't he? I'm sure the real reason he is here is to get the Ocarina of Time, which is a relic passed down through the Royal Family for generations. It, along with the three Spiritual Stones, opens the Door of Time in the Temple of Time to get to the Triforce of Time. Wait, no, just the Triforce. Anyway, Link, it is up to me to protect the Ocarina, and it is up to you to protect the Spiritual Stone. Don't let that ugly guy get it!

Ganon: (pops his head through the window) Actually, my name is Ganondorf, but my friends call me Ganon. Please don't call me "ugly guy" anymore; it's very rude. (leaves)

Link: Okay, I'll go now. Wait, no, actually, can I have your autograph? I want to shove it in Mido's face.

Zelda: What? Oh, okay. Tell ya what, I'll also give you a letter stating that you are the Royal Family's messenger, so you won't have trouble with any more guards.

Link: Sweet! Thanks! (takes the letter and turns and runs away, but bumps into a tall woman) AHHHHHHH! Another ugly person!!!

Zelda: Oh, that's Impa. She's the royal families Nurse. Don't be scared, she's nice.

Impa: Hello, young one. You are very brave to embark on this quest by yourself. Let me teach you a song I used to play for Zelda as a lullaby. (she teaches him Zelda's Lullaby)

Impa: There is mysterious power in these notes. Play it wherever you see a Triforce symbol to make weird stuff happen. Now let me lead you out of the castle.

Impa: Now you must go to Death Mountain, where the Gorons live. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire. Also go to Kakariko Village; it's where I grew up. Try the omelets there; they're to die for.

Impa: Well, I must mysteriously disappear now. Nice meeting you. (throws a bright flashy thing down on the ground and disappears)

Navi: What would Saria say if we told her we were going to save Hyrule from imminent doom?

Link: All the way at the end of the Lost Woods?! It'll take DAYS to get there! Nah, I got a better idea. (takes out his cell phone and dials her number) Saria? ...Hi, it's me, Link.... yeah, just met Princess Zelda.... Yeah, she was pretty hot.

Link: Ow!... No, Navi's hitting me... stupid fairy. Anyway, guess what! We're going to save Hyrule from evil! ......No really, we are! Princess Zelda made us.... yeah, we're going to Death Mountain now, to get the next spiritual stone.... what? Why would I want to learn a song you made up?

Link: Okay, okay. Lemme hear it.... okay, let me play it on my ocarina so I can remember it forever. (plays it on Ocarina, which begins to glow)

Link: So anyway, Saria, thanks for the song... or something. We're gonna go now. See ya. (hangs up) Now wasn't that a lot easier than walking all the way through the Lost Woods? (runs to the entrance to Kakariko village)

Link: (munching and chewing on food in a restaurant) Mmm, this omelet IS good! I'll have to thank Impa the next time I see her. HEY, WAITER GUYS! MORE OMELETS OVER HERE!

Link: Mmmmmm MMM! This SOOOOOOO GOOD! I mean, it's really REALLY REALLY good!

Link: (sitting in front of about ten or twelve plates that have been eaten off of) Ugh... I can't eat anymore...

Link: I'm going inside to ask the people how to get to the top of Death Mountain.

Navi: Link, this is someone's HOUSE. You can't just walk in and ask them questions! How would you feel if some stranger wearing weird clothes and brandishing and sword and a shield just waltzed into your house without even knocking?

Link: Well, I'd probably offer him a drink and ask him what he wants. (walks in)

Link: (already sitting down having tea with the lady who lives there) So all I have to do is take the road to the left us this house all the way up until I get to Death Mountain?

Lady: (sip sip) Oh no, dearie. Death Mountain is dangerous, and is restricted to Royal Family members only, you cute little thing you.

Link: Ha! I won't have to worry about that. (stands up defiantly and points to himself) I'm the Hero of Time!

Coocoo Lady: (pops out of nowhere directly in front of Link, stopping him in his tracks) Oh no! I lost all my Coocoo!

Coocoo lady: I lost all my chickens, but I don't want to look for them... (grabs Link violently by the shirt) YOU MUST FIND MY CHICKENS!!! FIND THEM NOW!

Ganondorf: (lying on a couch) I mean, I don't TRY to be evil... just look at things from my point of view... I grew up in a family with 14 sisters, and my dad was almost sixty years old. I had to always fight to get my way, and it didn't help that all my sisters were skilled thieves! Any money I made, they would steal, and... and... (begins to cry)

Ganon: (blows nose, trumpeting loudly) Can't I have things my way for once in my life!? All I want is the three spiritual stones and the Ocarina of Time so I can get the Triforce and rule Hyrule forever! (sniff sniff)

Psychiatrist: I understand where you're coming from, Ganondorf, and what you're trying to say, but maybe you should try a different approach. Instead of causing all these problems for people, maybe you could help them out, and after getting on their good side-

Ganondorf: (finishing his sentence) I could kill them all off and take it from them!

Psychiatrist: Umm... I mean... your idea is good, Mr. Ganondorf sir, but... it just doesn't seem to be working.

Ganondorf: (snaps his fingers, and four armed guards come in and begin to drag the psychiatrist away)

Psychiatrist: YOUR NEFARIOUS SCHEME WILL NEVER SUCCEED! THE LEGENDARY HERO OF TIME WILL STOP Y-

Link: (tired and sweaty, he gathers up his last bit of energy and tosses the uncooperative chicken into the coop) There... that's... the last one...

Coocoo Lady: (ignoring him) Besides that, I wouldn't have been able to give you this wonderful reward!

Chicken Lady: Let's see here... (rummaging through a coin purse)... ah, here it is. (puts a red rupee in his hand)

Link: What's that? You say you want to be disemboweled? (beginning to unsheathe sword)

Link: (unsheathing it more) Gee lady, it sure sounded like you said you wanted to die today. I'd be much abliged to help you... (takes the sword out of the scabbard, resulting in a pleasant *SHING*, and the sunlight reflects off the shiny surface as Link turns it around)

Chicken Lady: (sweating profusely) Oh, what was I thinking? Here, you can have this. It's made out of fine glass. (carefully puts a bottle in Link's hands) There! Just keep it! Keep it, and leave me alone!

Link: (sheathing his sword again) Oh, you said you wanted to give me a better reward for my troubles! I'm sorry, I'm kind of hard-of-hearing. Thank you. (walks off)

Link: (suavely takes out a piece of paper) Will, uh... hehehe... will THIS work? (smiles confidently)

Link: ...(quickly grabs it from his hand and replaces it with Zelda's Letter) What are you talking about?! It's obviously a letter from Princess Zelda, telling all to let me do whatever I want, or they're fish food. I would never buy, endorse, or otherwise donate anything in any way to any fairy-killing substance. (winks at Guard)

Guard: (smiles and pockets them) Oh yes, my mistake. It was a letter from Princess Zelda after all. It says, "This is Link... he is under my orders to save Hyrule. He's also a big stupid idiot who can't fight fair and screams like a girl, and wishes he was me so he could boss people around."

Link: (reading quietly) ......Ooh, that Zelda! I'll get her! (crumples up the letter)

~~Mr. Hero~~ Link: (cursing the guard under his breath, he walks through the gate)

Guard: If you go up the mountain with that shield you won't survive for a second. If you go back to Hyrule Castle Town, you can go to the Bazaar; they have the shield you need.

Guard: You know the Happy Mask Shop? They just opened. They let you borrow masks, sell them, and you can bring back the money for however much it costs. They have this one mask call the Keaton Mask, and I really-I mean, my SON really wants it... yeah. My son.

Guard: Please! I have to stand here all my life; I don't have a choice! Think of my son, uh... Jimmy!

Link: Well, okay... but only because you warned me about the shield thing. (starts back down the hill)

Guard: I probably should have told him he can find a free shield in the graveyard, but... feh. Oh well.

Half a week later, Link comes back with a Hylian Shield on his back, and the Keaton Mask.

Guard: Ooh ooh, yes! The Keaton Mask! That's the one! My, uh... SON will be very happy.

Guard: (waits until he's out of sight, then puts the Mask on himself and giggles)

Link: You know, for a mountain, this sure is easy to climb. I don't even need to find any footholds or anything, it's one little route all the way up.

Navi: Yeah, you would have expected that Death Mountain would actually be... you know... mountainous.

Link: It is uphill, though, which is still hard. I'm gonna sit and rest for a while. (sits on a rock and takes out a bottle of Sparklet's water)

Navi: From now on, Link, expect that the first member of any race you meet will automatically sense your unfamiliarity with them and explain the intricacies of their ways to you, out of the blue. They will then begin to tell you about the problems their race has, probably hoping with all their heart that you will be the one to save them.

Random, Unidentified Goron #1: We eat rocks, but this boulder here is blocking the entrance to Dodongo's Cavern, where the most nutritious rocks come from.

Navi: Also expect members of each race to only mutter one or two sentences to you, no matter what you say to them.

Link: ...Oooookaaaay.... I'm about done resting now... (backs away slowly, then turns around and runs away)

After about five minutes of running, they have come to the entrance to Goron City.

Navi: According to the map, the entrance to Goron City is... that way. (points to the entrance)

Link: (walking to where he pointed) Hmm... hey look, a weird plant! (tries to pick it up) Grr, it's a toughie! (pulling harder)

Big Boulder Beside the Weird Plant: (gets up; it as at least twice the size of the previous Goron)

Link: Yeah, I know, it's just that you're a lot bigger than the other Goron we met.

Random, Unidentified Goron #3: Oh. Yeah, we fluctuate in size greatly. Anyway, you're probably wondering what that plant there is.

Random, Unidentified Goron #3: It's a Bomb Flower. They grow in dark, damp places, so Bomb Flowers in a location like this are extremely rare. I'm shielding it from the sun.

Random, Unidentified Goron #3: Umm... Bomb Flowers like these usually grow in Dodongo's Cavern, but right now a bunch of Dodongos showed up, and this big boulder appeared, so we can't get into it.

Navi: Forget about it, Link. Let's just go to Goron City. Besides, PDFarsight doesn't have any jokes left about this guy.

Link: Okay. (walks into Goron city, sees lots of rock things/Gorons) Okay, so we'll just AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (falls all the way down to the bottom level) ...Erggh....

Goron: Big Brother locked himself in his room and said, "I will wait here until The Royal Family's Messenger comes!"

Goron: Oh yeah?! Well you also have to figure out how to get INTO his room! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (disappears in a puff of smoke and hellish fire)

Navi: (turns green and flies near the rug on the locked door) I sense that this rug has something to do with opening the door!

Navi: Since he's waiting for the Royal Family's Messenger, why don't you play that Royal Song you just learned? Maybe that will open the door!

Link: Nah, I got a better idea. (lifts up the rug and pulls out a key) See, it was under the rug the whole time!

Link: (unlocks the door and walks in; the room is totally dark) Hey, where is everything?

Suddenly, the torches light up, and you can see that "No rocks from Dodongo's Cavern make Big Brother go crazy" is scribbled over every inch of every wall and all over the ceiling.

Big Brother: My Goron friends call me Big Brother, but my name is Darunia. Hey, aren't you supposed to be the Royal Family's Messenger?! You're just a kid! Get lost!

Navi: (whispering to Link) Maybe you should try to cheer him up before you ask him to give you his most prized possession.

Navi: (gets in Link's face and speaks gravely) You will play Saria's Song for him and like it.

Link: Yeah, whatever. Here's a pretty song for you. (takes out the Ocarina and plays Saria's Song)

Darunia: ...(begins to dance like crazy) Wahoo! Oh yeah! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! YEEEEEAH! HOT! What a hot beat! (shakes his butt)

Darunia: (stops dancing) Suddenly, just like that, my depression is gone! I suddenly had the urge to dance! Now I'm all happy and gitty! So you want the Spiritual Stone, eh? Well, how about you clear up our little problem for us? Go kill all the Dodongos in Dodongo's Cavern.

Darunia: Wait! I want to give you this, for no reason at all, besides the fact that you couldn't defeat the Dodongos and would surely die in the cavern without this. Here. (gives him the Goron's Bracelet) Now you can pull up Bomb Flowers.

Random, Unidentified Goron #1 (is sitting by the boulder): [BOOM] AHHHHHHHH! (dies)

Link: Heheh... oops. THAT'S probably why you never though of that. (drops another one)

The boulder explodes into a million jillion pieces, so tiny that all traces and fragments of the boulder disappear forever.