One day Link, Hero of Time, was in his house with all the doors and windows shut and locked. This was because he didn't want anyone to  see him. He was knitting a sweater to take to the Ice Cavern. He wished he had invisible yarn; he didn't really understand  the directions.

    Link was about to  go outside when the mail-fairy came. Oh boy! Link thought,I got a letter! He glanced at the return adress. Oh no, he thought, it's from Ruto.

    Dear Fiancee,

        I know you're coming here, so hurry up. Don't be late! We have wedding plans to make. Saving the world can wait! If you're a man, act like one! Take responsibility! Tie your shoe! Have a cow!

                                                                                                                Love and Fishes,

Ruto          

After Link read the letter, he made a pile of logs in the fireplace. He put the letter and sweater in, then changed his mind and took out the sweater. Then he lit a fire. Sitting by it, he made a sign: SWEATER 4 SALE, 30 RUPEES. He put the sweater and the sign on the door of the Kokiri Shop.

    "HEY!" squeaked Navi, as she so often did. "Where ya goin? We're supposed to  go to the Ice Cavern now!"

    "Are you crazy?!" Link cried. "You're always breathing down my neck, so didn't you see that letter?We're going to hide from Ruto, at, um..." He spun around in circles for 10 seconds and looked where he was facing. "THAT WAY! Lon Lon Ranch! Ooh..eee..I should've spun for 5 seconds instead of 10..."

    So Link packed his overnight bag, packing everything but Teddy. He wanted to hold Teddy, because he said that Teddy liked looking around. Navi hid in his pocket during these times because she didn't want to  be seen with him.

    Link went to Lon Lon and checked into  his usual hotel room. Then there was a knock on his door, and he asked Ingo to see who it was."Ooh, I'd be so happy to! I love working here! It's so fun! I-"

    "Just see who it is!"

    "Okay, all I see is a big blue head with big blue eyes!" said Ingo happily.

    "Um, excuse me." Link said. He went into his room, shut the door carefully, and started screaming some bad words. The pots full of  rupees broke so he also got some extra money. Two minutes later, the tomato-faced Link came out with some very dark glasses. "Come iiiii-iiinnnn!" he called.

    Ruto came in with some suitcases. "Hello, Link! You didn't come to Zora's Domain, so I just decided to find-Link! Why are you wearing those stupid glasses?"

    "Um, new Sheikah fashion?"

    " But can't you see?"

    "Of course I can see! Why would I wear them if I couldn't--OW! OOH! AAH! EEE! OW! OOH! AHH!" Link had fallen down the stairs. He sat up and straightened his tunic. "Uh, gee, musta slipped I guess." muttered Link.

    "Take off those glasses! I won't like you  if you have a broken bone!" ordered Ruto. At this our hero started kicking the wall and banging his head with his sword.

    "CUT IT OUT!!" screeched Ruto, preparing to have a tantrum. "JUST TAKE OFF THE @#%*& GLASSES!"

    "All right, all right." Link took off the glasses, revealing another pair underneath.

    "Link..." growled Ruto.

    "Okay okay okay!" He dropped 17 more pairs of glasses on the floor. Later, Ingo happily cleaned them up.

    "I came here so I could travel with you. I'm sick of being home alone! And your dinner is always cold! It's right here, I saved it for you." She opened a bagful of fish and dumped it on the floor, Link wondered why Ruto ate fish when she was part fish, but he decided not to ask.

    "OhI'mrealsorry" Link apologized, studying his nails.

    "Well you should be! If you're a man, act like one! T-"

    "akeresponsibiltyIknowIknow."recited Link."Why do you want to come with me anyway?"

    "Cause you're my-"

    Link cut her off before she could say anything else. "Riiight, so where do you want to go? Lake Hylia?"

    "Iccck, water! I hate water! I can't swim!"

    "But, but you're a fish..."

    "Well I'm a bad swimmer okay?"

    "Well, how about Gerudo Desert?"

    "Too hot and dry."

    "You could get a tan," Link suggested hopefully. Ruto ignored him.

    "I don't want to go to Kakariko because it's too crowded and I don't want to go to Death Mountain because it's too hot and I don't like Gorons and I don't want to go to the forest because I don't like kids and I don't want to go to Zora's Domain because I live there and I don' t want to hang around here and Hyrule field is too big and empty!"

    " Well that leaves the temples and Ganon's Castle."

    Ruto screeched, making Link half-deaf for the rest of  his life.

    "Well where do you want to  go?" he asked impatiently.

    "The mall." stated Ruto.

    " The mall?? All you can do there is  buy stuff! Wait a minute... good idea. How about we go and split up? I'll buy you a present and you can buy me a present."

    "Oh goody!" squealed Ruto. "But how will we get there? I hate walking!" she added.

    "I'll just play the Rhapsody of Shopping. It goes like this: la la dum dee dum dee DOO dee da dee dum!" Then Link found himself in the Emerald Square Mall. Wow, he thought, I just made that one up! Link went looking around the mall. People were staring at his clothes and laughing. What funny clothes these people have! he observed. He found Victoria's Secret. Hmmm, this looks promising. He walked in, took one glance around, and came right back out. He picked up the mall directory so that wouldn't happen again. He went to Filene's, Macy's and The Gap and bought 5 bags of clothes for 2 rupees (the cashiers mistook his rupees for emeralds). Feeling very stupid wearing tights in a modern mall and carrying bags of women's clothing, Link trudged out of the mall. He was trudging because he'd forgotten to take off his Iron Boots.

     Outside he met Ruto, who dug her greedy fins into one of the bags and pulled out a dress.

    "What's this, a carpet?" she asked, appearing confused.

    "It's called a dress, or gown. You put it on your body so you don't run around nude all day." he explained.

    "What's wrong with that?"

    Link went purple and informed Ruto that running around nude all day wasn't civilized, and that dresses made people prettier.

    "Oh, I see." said Ruto, deep in thought. "Why don't you wear a dress, Link?"

    "Dresses are for girls and women to wear. Guys look silly in dresses." Link was getting redder by the second.

    "Prove it. Try it on and let me see how silly you look." commanded the ever-bossy princess.

    " RUTO, JUST PUT YOUR @#%&* CLOTHES ON!" shouted the hero, finally losing it.

    "Fine." grumbled Ruto. "Oh yeah, and here's your present." she added, handing him a bag of Swedish Fish.

    I just don't get it. Link pondered. Is she encouraging cannibolism?

    Then, all of a sudden, Link blew his top. He wrote a note and put it in the bag:

    Dear Ruto,

            I can't marry you! You drive me nuts! Thanks for the candy. It is yummy. You can have one.

                                                                                                                            -Link

P.S. Please keep and use the gifts I gave you, you queer uncivilized barbarous bitch! You are disgusting!

    Then he went back to Hyrule. After all, he couldn't be late for his date with Zelda.

THE END

 

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