Authors Note: Hi, I'm just gonna say that this isn't EXACTLY Henry VIII's version (I tried, but it didn't fit) and don't think I'm trying to change history or nothing. Don't sue or report me to whoever wrote history, cos I'm crap at everything except comedy, even though that’s pretty bad too, so don't take it away from me! Enjoy!
LINK: I MUST HAVE A SON!!!!
ZELDA: But honey, you have a wonderful daughter. Wouldn’t she do instead?
LINK: NO! YOU’RE PATHETIC-
ZELDA: (Mumbling) You’re not doing yourself any justice by insulting her. She’s YOUR daughter as well.
LINK: -LITTLE LYING B**** COULD NEVER RULE HYRULE!
ZELDA: Why is she a liar?
LINK: COS SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING BOWLING YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!
ZELDA: And did she?
LINK: NO! SHE WASN’T ANYWHERE NEAR THE KITCHENS! AND SHE CAME BACK IN THE AFTERNOON WITH A GAGGLE OF THOSE POINTY-EARED HYLIAN GIRLS!
ZELDA: Um, honey, you have pointy ears as well.
LINK: THAT’S NOT THE POINT! SHE DID not GO BOWLING!
ZELDA: Well Link, I know you were a peasant and all so you’re not that
bright-
LINK: Why, thank you Zelda, I merely assumed you thought me stupid, that was a sweet thing to say.
ZELDA: -But you do realise bowling is not to do with real bowls, don’t you?
(Silence)
ZELDA: Link, what did you do!?
LINK: Err, oh, I just grounded her for a couple of months…
ZELDA: LINK!!!
LINK: Well, she should have EXPLAINED what she was doing…
ZELDA: ONLY THE DUMBEST PARENTS IN THE WHOLE OF HYRULE WOULDN’T KNOW WHAT BOWLING WAS!
LINK: Well, anyway, ahem. She could never rule because she is not capable of running a country on her own, she wouldn’t be able to instruct the guards without flirting-
ZELDA: (Mumbling again) You’re a fine one to talk, you had female ones
installed for that purpose.
LINK: And she couldn’t stop dangerous invaders out to kill!
ZELDA: (Coldly) You mean like you did last week?
(Link goes red)
LINK: Hey, those bunnies were DANGEROUS. They could have nibbled through the ropes on the bridge at Lake Hylia!
ZELDA: Of course honey (Pats him on the back), but you could have just let them free somewhere else, what was the point of swiping off their heads!?
LINK: Um, to make mittens?
ZELDA: (Sighing) Your rightful heir will be queen. You could always marry her to a nobleman whom you trust.
LINK: Ha! You can’t trust any of them! Now, enough of this nonsense. Sign this and um… your daughter will be queen!
(Link holds out a sheet of parchment covered in writing)
ZELDA: (Looking amused) Do you think I’m THAT stupid!? I admit I married you, but I can READ you know.
LINK: Damn it.
ZELDA: Who would you get to give you a son anyway? You have lost quite a bit of your charm.
LINK: One, I am King-
ZELDA: You would no longer be so if you dumped me!
LINK: -and I am learning from this programme called ‘Friends’. Check it out! (Resumes a casual look with slightly narrowed eyes and a cheesy smile) How you doing?
ZELDA: Aww, geez, that thing went out of fashion in like the 1800s!
LINK: (Looking confused) But ‘Friends’ started in… (Counts off his fingers)
(One of Zelda’s maids, Saria, enters)
SARIA: Your majesty, there is a man at the door called Talon, he’s brought the milk, but, err, can’t remember where he left it. The servants are going spare, and Talon wishes to speak with you and give you his most humble apologies.
(Zelda sighs and hurries from the room. Link stops counting his fingers and resumes ‘Joey’ look when he notices Saria)
LINK: Hey, how you doing? (Winks)
SARIA: (Looks confused and then smiles) Man, your majesty, you’re ever so seductive and appealing.
LINK: (Looking pleased) I believe it runs in the family.
SARIA: (In a rather attractive voice) It does, my lord, it does. You know, I am still young enough to bear an heir.
LINK: Wanna get married?
SARIA: Okay.
LINK: ZELDA!
(Zelda enters, looking curious)
ZELDA: Yes honey?
LINK: You’re screwed; I’m marrying, um… Jill here! It is Jill isn’t it?
(Zelda rolls her eyes)
SARIA: Yes, it’s Jill, see, I only called myself Saria to Queen Zelda
because I was… undercover! I’m 008!
ZELDA: Of course you are, of course.
(Link calls for priest and he appears)
ZELDA: Now, Link, I want you to-
PRIEST: Long as you both shall live?
LINK: Yup.
SARIA: Yupperoonie!
ZELDA: -Think about what you are- (Realises) -Aww, shit.
* * *
LINK: IT’S A GIRL!!!!!
SARIA: Yes, honey, but is it all that bad? She is, after all, much prettier than you’re other daughter Lorean.
(Lorean scowls)
LINK: IT’S A GIRL!!!
SARIA: Um, she looks like you?
LINK: IT’S A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Link draws his sword and goes momentarily crazy and swings it everywhere, hitting off Saria’s head in the process as well as a couple of baffled servants arms and legs)
LOREAN: (Smiling) Oh dear it appears Saria is dying. I’ll go get the
surgeon. (Walks off in slow motion)
LINK: That damned Jill! (Watches Saria running round with blood pouring from her neck.)
BABY: (Giggles) Gehegehegehegehegejabbababahuuu!
(Policewoman Malon charges in on Epona and totally wrecks the room with a load of rubble and dust from the broken wall)
MALON: What’s going on in here- Oh, (Cringes) Your Highness, so sorry, I suspected a murder (Eyes Saria’s corpse lying on the floor and Lorean
holding her head with a triumphant look)
LINK: (Half paralyzed at first and then puts on his cheesy smile) Hey, how you doing?
(Malon looks bemused)
MALON: Um, I’m okay, and I think you’re um, wife is coming round. (Looks to where Saria is beginning to twitch on the floor)
LINK: Huh? Oh. (Tosses Lorean the dagger) Here Lorean! I think Jills got an
itch, scratch it for her will you?
(Lorean plunges dagger into Saria and Link resumes his attentions with
Malon)
LINK: Wanna go out honey?
MALON: Um (Narrows eyes) Well, you just um, SCRATCHED somebody so I think I’ll turn it down.
LINK: (Looking crestfallen) TV! Why have you forsaken me! Look woman, you’ll go out with me or I’ll kill that baffled idiot you call a Father!
MALON: (Very pale) Okaaay…
* * *
LINK: IT’S A BOY!!!! Rejoice! See that Lorean, Skye? That’s what you were SUPPOSED to look like!
SKYE: (Taking off her shirt, not knowing any better) Daddy! I am a boy!
Look!
LINK: (Cowering) Yes my dear, of course, go play with some gunpowder.
SKYE: YAY!
MALON: Honey, do you want to tell the kingdom?
LINK: IT’S A BOY! I’M GONNA TELL EVERYONE YOU HALF-WIT!
(Goes to the top of the castle, humming, and rings the bell so
enthusiastically that 7 floors below Malon falls out of her window to her death. Lorean sticks her head out the window and shouts up at him)
LOREAN: Dad! I think Malon’s dead!
LINK: (Looking down) Oops…
* * *
LINK: Simpson, Homer Simpson, he’s the greatest guy in historryy! From the heart of…
(Darunia enters with a rolled up poster)
DARUNIA: Yo yo! My brother! I’ve sorted you out another wife!
LINK: What? Those things, with the make-up and high maintenance ness?
DARUNIA: Yeah… You know, I THINK they’re called women. Anyway have a look. Now I know you hate wives and that’s why you’ve killed a couple, but I KNOW you’ll like this one.
(Darunia unrolls poster and shows Link)
LINK: Oooo! Now SHE looks my type. Not sure about the wings though. (Picture shows a very skimpily dressed pretty girl with wings)
DARUNIA: It’s a typo.
LINK: Oh. Bring her on!
* * *
DARUNIA: May I present, your wife.
(Navi flies in)
NAVI: Hey listen! Hello!
LINK: (Momentarily silent, paralysed with fear) AARRGGHH! It’s a mutated cockroach with wings!
(Tries to hide behind chair)
DARUNIA: (Looking confused) Err no. Its Lady Navi, your future wife.
LINK: You’re kidding? You are. You’ve got to be. (Looks closely at Darunia) No, you’re not, you’re serious! You know what mate? I think you’ve cracked.
DARUNIA: She’s very pretty, and um, flexible.
LINK: SHES TWO INCHES HIGH! PLUS, I ONLY JUST GOT OVER MY PHOBIA OF HAVING A GLOW WORM SHOUT ‘HEY LISTEN’ IN MY EAR ALL THE TIME!
NAVI: HEY LISTEN!
LINK: AARRGGHH! RAURU! IMPA! SECURITY! SQUASH IT, ITS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!
(Impa, Rauru, Security and Nabooru run in. Impa manages to get Navi out
without any injury)
LINK: PHEW! Here, Nabie, kill this worm for me will you? (Indicates Darunia)
NABOORU: (Tosses hair) Why should I? You didn’t make my son king!
LINK: He was illegitimate! I will kill you too if you don’t kill him!
(Nabooru kills Darunia, sniffing and mumbling. A soldier bursts in, with a handcuffed Ruto)
SOLDIER: Your majesty! She tried to kill me when I went fishing!
RUTO: (Hissing) You tried to get a damned hook in my mouth, that’s why!
LINK: Fishing eh? (Looks Ruto up and down and resumes ‘Joey’ look) Hey. How you doing?
RUTO: (Glaring) Not so good! I mean I’m going to prison on land! I’ll get heat blisters and shrivel up and die!
SARIA: (Whispering) He only likes her cos she doesn’t wear anything.
LINK: Hey, didn’t I kill you or something?
SARIA: Yeah. The writer must have forgotten. Bye. (Vanishes)
LINK: Well, Jill hit the nail on the head. Ruto, you’re dead attractive. Wanna go out?
RUTO: Would you get me out of prison?
LINK: Sure.
RUTO: Okay then.
* * *
LINK: Okay, okay Impa. So I went a little crazy.
IMPA: A little!? You killed 6 servants, 3 musicians, 8 monks, 11 beggars, 7 noblemen, 9 peasants and, oh, did I forget to mention, your WIFE.
LINK: She had it coming.
IMPA: Did the 44 innocent bystanders have it coming too? All she did was greet her Dad with a kiss!
LINK: SHE KISSED SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN ME!!! IT’S UNFORGIVABLE!
IMPA: You just wanted to get rid of her.
LINK: WELL- Yeah actually. How d’you know?
IMPA: It’s obvious.
LINK: Man, how am I gonna keep you quiet. (Thinks) Hey, how you doing?
(Impa rolls eyes)
* * *
LINK: Honey, I’m thinking of getting a divorce…
(Impa leaps up and cuts off Links head)
LINK: I KNEW I should have married Epona. (Dies)
(Everyone in the cast appears and starts cheering for a whole 56 hours)
NABOORU: So…
ZELDA: Don’t worry. Only three seconds til the author finishes writing.
3…2…1…
THE END
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