Hey
there, I'm Epona. You may remember my ass jiggling
around your television screen as my High Maintenance owner rode me and forced
me to run through bushes and jump over fences to prove to some ginger girl that
yes, he CAN ride a horse and seriously dismantle her bones by making her do
hard labor, not to mention wasting all my carrots (on
your screen, keep up!). Oh wait, I kind of like the ginger girl...but she keeps
going on about how she has the X Factor, I mean, GET SOME NEW MATERIAL! The
only reason I run towards that stupid song is because I wanna
strangle the person playing it, but then I realize that I have hooves and all I
can do is whinny and stand there like a dumbass with
no initiative. Sometimes that Bastard who treats me like a slave just leaves me
in the middle of the field, or outside the steps to that village I've never
been allowed to see EVER! How come the escorts never get treated right?! It's
always:
"See ya later Epona!
Thanks for the ride, I'll give you a carrot later," But it's always
lettuce...what's a horse gonna do with floppy leaves?
As if I don't have enough troubles to get along with. Like eating thistles when
I'm grazing, or when Ganon's horse, Storm doesn't
treat me right. He always promises that he'll be back real soon, and we can
hang out by Lake Hylia but he's
always got some other appointment, like a battle or a massacre. It's quite cool
though, I'm the steed of a good guy, and he's the steed of a villain.
Plus
I get all the gossip. Did you know Ganon wears a
thong? You see, us horses can feel what underwear our masters are wearing, and
Storm's pretty certain he can feel a lace thong underneath all that masculine armor. I guess on the bad days, when charities reach their
goals or a child gets the giggles, he just likes to feel pretty.
It
does get boring here mind, even with all the stories I know about Ganon. I try telling the other horses on the ranch but all
they like to talk about is the chickens. You see, the chickens provide a sort
of soap on the ranch. There's always some drama going on. Last week, Doris, the eldest hen laid one of the youngest Roosters,
Darren's, egg. That brought up a lot of clucking, I can tell you. I don't like
it when Link decides to poke the chickens with his sword. If
he aggravates them enough though they all gang up on him, pecking and crapping
on him. He thought my whinnies were from terror- I was laughing my tail
off!
On
the subject, Link has gotten faaat! Instead of just
mounting me this morning my hooves were sinking into the mud (NOT the best way
to treat a recent horseshoe-cure!) Sure he looks muscled up, but I can feel his
support pants on my spine like the scarecrow can feel that stick up his rear.
He's been drinking too much Lon Lon Milk as well.
Ever since that dumb Ginger Girl gave him a cow (Perhaps a symbol of her
character) he's been on the Udders every night. I bet if I started squirting
milk out of MY body parts he would treat me a little better! Anyway, every
night, he bottles some of it, goes out to the market, and gets HAMMERED! And I
have to carry him home! I know what you're thinking- "You're his steed,
you're MEANT to carry him around." But how about YOU give it a go,
trudging along with some drunk, hiccupping, naked, fat dude, whose only
clothing is his boots and his hat which, by the way, he's using as a sock for
his, shall we say, "Little Buddy", and no, I'm not talking about that
insane little pixie thing of his, if you catch my drift! But avoiding the most
disgusting thing that will result in sleepless nights for us all, this "Navi" …thing, who as I've worked out is supposed to be
guiding Link on a voyage to Glory or something goofy like that, better suits
the role of a crappy life coach.
The
few words you heard her speak were probably something charming like: "Hey,
Listen!"
I
can now confirm the company decided to dub the REAL content out. Which was something along the lines of…
"OI,
YOU TURD! ARE YOU A COMPLETE RETARD OR ARE YOU JUST PLAYING HARD TO GET WITH
THE GIANT, DROOLING, SPIDER FROM THE REALMS OF HELL BEHIND YOU?!?!?"
And her outfit? It looks like a cool,
ocean blue orb surrounding her as if it were a state of calm, but incidentally
it's just a huge vein in her temple obscuring the rest of her whole being. She
gets a bit stressed.
Wait
a minute…Oh GOD I can hear that STUPID song again! And it's coming from the Gerudo Valley Entrance. Well it sounds like Link wants me
to jump him across that broken bridge again and hit on some Gerudos.
Can I REALLY be bothered? Maybe I'll just ignore it this time, hit the hay,
read some Hoofascopes, and watch a little Cuckoo
Drama. What's his obsession anyway? Has no one told him yet that they're all
secretly men? Well I can hardly judge, it took me a month to realize that Saria was actually in her late thirties.
Well,
Gotta Trot, my master awaits
for me to take him to his "Gal-Pals". And an interesting lap dance…