You’re all morons! You hear me! Morons, muwhahahaha…. Augh, its not much fun when they aren’t hear to listen. I’ve been practising too; you’d think they’d show a little consideration and turn up to hear my latest evil laugh. Muwhaha, no wait, MUWHAHAHA, there you go, now isn’t that brilliant?

Nabie, um, ‘gave’ me a piece of paper and pencil cos she says I’m getting frustrated. Darn right I am! You know, these walls used to be straight, no really, they did. Its just, well, I assumed maybe they’d crumble under my body weight (Its muscle Link you b******!) but I was kinda wrong. And I sort of broke a couple of limbs…but hey!

Just in case I never return, although I’m the villain in lots of fan-fiction and Ocarina of time, Wind Waker, Link to the Past and quite a few more which the force making me write doesn’t know about, (Damn you to hell! Muwhahahaha!) But let’s forget that, so just in case I don’t return I’m writing down my innocence on a piece of paper. One measly piece! ONE measly piece! ONE MEASLY PIECE! IS THAT ENOUGH TO RECORD MY ANGER WHICH EVERYONE SAYS I HAVE BUT I DENY ON! IS IT!? IS IT!!!!!!?????? Aww, damn, I broke my pencil.

Nabie, who’s guarding me at the moment, (And I can see right up her trousers the way she’s sitting) didn’t let me have a pencil sharpener, so, I’m writing this in blood. (This is yellow and pus-like by the way so I can hardly see what I am writing).

Firstly, that Link is one MEAN kid! I want to point out he shot arrows in my butt, slashed me with a sword, stole my girlfriend, killed Gohma, Dodongo, Jabu-Jabu jellyfish, Phantom Ganon (NOOO! MY BROTHER!), Volvagia, that placenta thing in the Water Temple, Bongo Bongo, and Twin Rova (Man, was she hot when she wasn’t TWO witches). But worst of all, he cut off my tail in Ocarina of time. You have no idea how long that hurt. It killed! All I did was stroke him with my claws. C’mon! My poor poor tail. Do I sound like I am happy!? NO!! AND LINK AND ZELDA GET TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER! IT’S NOT FAIR! VILLAINS NEVER GET A HAPPY ENDING, AND WITHOUT THEM THE GAME WOULDN’T EVEN EXIST! A LITTLE COMPASSION, PLEASE!? I WOULD LIKE A FAMILY ONE DAY YOU KNOW! HOW AM I GONNA GET ONE WITH EVERYONE CALLING ME A NOTORIOUS VILLAIN?! HUH!? HUH!!!!!!?????

NABIE SAYS I’M TOO ANGRY, BUT I’M NOT TOO ANGRY, I’M CALM,

CALM!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!

Hiya, this is Nabie. Ganon is unable to attend to his paper at the moment as he is being, um, restrained with a ten foot sword. Don’t worry! We’ll leave him a hand.

Hello, this is Ganon again. I am sorry for my past actions and if I could erase my blood I would rub out my words. And Nabooru is wonderful and gorgeous and it’s not like she’s standing over me demanding I write this - OWWW!

Okay, secondly, Zelda is very manipulative. I would have cut off her head if she hadn’t said she’d go out with me. And she was the one that set the Hero on my tail! My poor poor tail. I WANT A NEW ONE!

Thirdly, MY TAIL STILL HURTS!

Fourthly, they threw me in this prison! ITS NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR! NOT

FAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fifthly, IT’S NOT MY FAULT I’M SOOOO EVIL! THE GAME PRODUCERS MADE ME THIS WAY! AND ITS NOT MY FAULT MY EYES ARE RED, BUT AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF HERE I’M BUYING CONTACT LENSES!

AND HE PLUNGED HIS SWORD IN MY SKULL SO I WOULD DROWN! WHAT HAPPENED TO FORGIVE AND FORGET!????!!!???

HE CUT OFF MY TAIL! MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL TAIL!

HE WEARS A DRESS! C’MON! DO YOU SEE ME WEARING A DRESS? NOOOOO!

My tail…

Next time you pass me off as a mean, selfish, horrible, evil, and cute (WHY WOULD ANYONE CALL A BOY CUTE? DO I WANNA BE CALLED CUTE? I’M AN EVIL VILLAIN ON A VIDEO GAME) guy, think about what being a villain takes. It’s a little harder than you’d expect, because EVERYONE CUTS OFF YOUR TAIL! I WANT MY TAIL BACK!!!!! AND I…akhlohgohfnje…..

Hey, Nabie again. Ganon’s suffering from blood loss, just to explain why there is a halt in his writing. Give it three minutes and he’ll be dead. I’ve called the bar-tender and D-J and Link and Zelda. He’s not gonna be a problem any more now!

Seee…w-whaat…I….m-m-m-mean??....Aughasa…..

WOOHOO! HES DEAD! WE DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HIM TIL THE NEXT ZELDA GAME!!!