N.B All characters and names belong to Nintendo. (Don’t sue) All characters are their adult versions; just pretend that Link never returned the Master Sword.

 

 

START

 

In the land of Hyrule, in a small forest there lived a boy of destiny, who one day went an a magical quest through time with a fairy called Navi, in order to stop an evil man from obtaining ultimate power through the Triforce.

But we know all that.

What we don’t know, is what he did afterwards. Well, I say we find out.

 

It was a dark and stormy night, but the torrential rain did not bother the two people in a small room at Lon Lon Ranch.

 

Link rolled over onto his back and grinned. Malon smiled also and cuddled his side.

 

Malon: That was amazing Link…

 

Link: Yeah, definitely.

 

Malon: It’s a good thing daddy sleeps with earplugs in or he would here us.

 

Link: Heh, yeah. With all the noise you make I’m surprised the entire kingdom didn’t hear us.

 

Malon: Hee, yeah.

 

Link: That reminds me, here, drink some of this.

 

Link handed a small gourd to Malon. She sniffed it, but didn’t drink.

 

Malon: What is it?

 

Link: A little something I picked up from Syrup the Witch; she calls it “contraception” or something.

 

Malon: What does it do?

 

Link: You drink it afterwards, and you don’t have babies.

 

Malon: Wow, that’s clever, and useful!

 

Link: Yeah.

 

Malon: Will you be coming back tomorrow night too?

 

Link: You know I’d love to baby, but I have to be somewhere tomorrow night. Another time maybe.

 

Malon: I always look forward to your visits…

 

Link: I’ll bet you do…heh. Well, I’d best be off.

 

Malon: What? Right now? It’s the middle of the night, and it’s raining outside!

 

Link: I can’t stay, or Talon will find out.

 

Malon: I guess…well, alright then. Take care.

 

Link got dressed, shouldered his weapons and went to the window.

 

Malon: I love you, Link.

 

Link: Love you too babe.

 

Link jumped from the window and rode off into the night.

 

 

Far away in Hyrule Castle, an eerily similar event was occurring at the exact same time in the Princess’ bedchambers.

 

Zelda snuggled up to Link and looked into his eyes. He smiled, looking very innocent and kind. She laughed and cuddled him some more.

Zelda: Where do you get the energy?

 

Link: I eat my veggies.

 

Zelda: Hee hee. Oh, before I forget, I should drink some of this. Syrup gave me some more.

 

Link: That “contra-wotsit”?

 

Zelda: Mmm.

 

Zelda drank from a gourd she kept under her bed.

 

Zelda: Can I see you tomorrow night as well?

 

Link: Sorry Zel, I gotta go back to the forest. I’m planning to go fishing; I wanna catch you something huge.

 

Zelda: I’m sure you will. Have fun. You’d better go actually; if my father finds out about this he’ll be angry.

 

Link: I don’t want to go; it’s all dark and rainy outside. I want to stay here where it’s nice and warm.

 

Zelda: Hee, I wish you could stay too…Oh Link, I can’t wait until we’re married and we can do this every night and nobody will care.

 

Link: That would take all the fun out of it. The sense of it being against the law is what makes it so good.

 

Zelda: Still, it’s only a few more months before we’ll be married. We’ll be the youngest married couple in Hyrule ever you know.

 

Link: Yeah, right on your seventeenth.

 

Zelda: As soon as I’m old enough, I’m marrying you. And don’t dare ever go running off on any dangerous quests; you’ve saved us enough times.

 

Link: Ahh…alright. Hah! OK, I’ll get going.

 

Link got dressed, shouldered his weapons and went to the window.

 

Zelda: I love you, Link.

 

Link: I love you too Zel.

 

Link jumped from the window and rode off into the night.

 

 

The next day, Zelda met up with her good friend Malon in Hyrule market.

 

Zelda: Malon!? What are you doing here?

 

Malon: Delivering milk to the inns, you?

 

Zelda: Shopping! Hah!

 

Malon: Hee. So, how are things?

 

Zelda: Oh fine, fine. I’m getting married to Link soon, as soon as I’m old enough. I can’t wait!

 

Malon: (Guiltily) Uh, yeah I heard.

 

Zelda: How are things on the ranch?

 

Malon: Good thanks, cows are fine, and horses are fine. How’s your Dad?

 

Zelda: In good shape. He’s really proud that I’m getting married to Link; he says there’s no finer man in Hyrule.

 

Malon: (Guiltily) Well, he’s right there. How come you’re not here with all the guards and entourage you’re usually with?

 

Zelda: I snuck out! I use the same route Link always uses when he comes to see me, around the pear tree and over the wall. Did I tell you we’re getting married?

 

Malon: For Din’s sake! Is Link all you ever talk about!

 

Zelda: I can’t help it!

 

Malon: Whatever…well, I have to go.

 

Zelda: Really? So soon? Don’t you want to come to the castle for some tea?

 

Malon: I…I can’t. I have to go, sorry.

 

Malon runs off.

 

 

That night, Zelda couldn’t sleep. She kept thinking about Link. Suddenly, there was a knock at her window. She went to it and opened the door out onto the balcony, and there was standing…

 

Zelda: Link! I thought you couldn’t come tonight?

 

Link: Hey, I can always make time for you babe.

 

Zelda: Oh Link, you’re so cheesy sometimes.

 

Link: You’d be surprised how many times it works.

 

Zelda: It’s certainly working this time, come here you…

 

­­­­­­­­­­

The next day, Zelda met up with Malon again, this time at Lon Lon Ranch.

 

Malon: Zelda? What are you doing all the way out here?

 

Zelda: Just popped by to get some milk.

 

Malon: I could’ve just delivered it.

 

Zelda: Well I like the gossip too; I don’t get to hear what goes on in the kingdom much.

 

Malon: Yeah. How’s Link?

 

Zelda: As vigorous as ever thank you.

 

Malon: What’s that supposed to mean?

 

Zelda: Well, just between us, Link and I aren’t waiting until we’re married to…y’know.

Malon: You’re not?

 

Zelda: No. I gotta tell ya though, it’s fantastic!

 

Malon: (Dreamily) Yeah I know…

 

Zelda: Huh? How would you know?

 

Malon: Uh…I wouldn’t, I was just thinking.

 

Zelda: You’re lying! I can tell, I have the Triforce of wisdom after all! What’s going on?

 

Malon: Wait, he slept with you? That double crossing…

 

 

In the Lost Woods, Link was sitting on a tree stump happily carving away at a hunk of wood with the edge of the Master Sword.

 

Zelda and Malon burst into the clearing, fuming.

 

Link: Hey Zel! Hiya Malon.

 

Zelda: You two faced double crossing b*****d!

 

SLAP!

 

Zelda: How could you do this to me!?

 

Link: OW! What did I do?

 

Malon: You were sleeping with her as well! You lying SOB!

 

SLAP!

 

Link: OW! What do you mean as well? I’ve never slept with you Malon!

 

Malon: Oh, so now it just conveniently slips you mind! What about Wednesday night! You said you loved me, what about then!

 

Zelda: Huh? He was with me on Wednesday night.

 

Link: Zel’s right, I was with her.

Malon: So you slept with both of us on the same night!?

 

Zelda: There’s no way he could’ve got from the castle to Lon Lon Ranch quick enough…

 

Malon: Eh? How come he was with both of us then?

 

Link: I’m telling you, I’ve never slept with Malon in my life!

 

Zelda: This makes no sense! What’s going on here?

 

At that moment a voice drifted across the clearing. “I think I can answer that.” It said. The three turned and saw, standing at the other end of the clearing…

 

Link!

 

Malon: What? There are two of you?

 

Zelda: One of them must be fake, there’s only one Link!

 

Malon: Doesn’t look like it.

 

Zelda: Link, who is this guy, is he a relative or something?

 

Link: I’ve never seen him before…well, I have, but…you get the idea.

 

Link2: Actually, we have met before. I’m sorry to have got you in trouble; I had no intention of stirring up any bad feelings.

 

Malon: Who the hell are you?

 

Link2: I am the Link you were with on Wednesday night, I told you I loved you and then left via the window, remember?

 

Malon: OK…

 

Zelda: Where the hell did you come from and how do you look just like Link? Well…this Link here.

 

Link2: I come from a faraway place, it isn’t important.

 

Link: Wait, did you say we’d met before?

Link2: That’s right we have. In the Water Temple, remember?

 

Link: You! Dark Link!

 

Link draws the Master Sword and advances on Dark Link, who motions for him to back down.

 

Dark Link: Whoa! Calm down, I’m not here to fight. You see, I never really wanted to fight you to be honest. Gannon made me, it was never my choice. Why would I want to fight you, we’re practically family!

 

Link: Hmm…

 

Zelda: Wait a minute, so, who was the Link I was with last night, coz I recognise that sly look in your eyes Dark Link.

 

Malon: Huh? You were with somebody last night too?

 

Zelda: Yeah, it was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life!

 

Dark Link: Uh, yeah, that was me.

 

Zelda: It was!?

 

Smouldering looks from Link.

 

Zelda: Uh, I was just kidding about the best sex bit darling, really!

 

Link: So, why did you come back? And why did you start sleeping with Malon?

 

Dark Link: Funny thing, when I returned I needed a horse, so I went to the ranch. Malon recognised me, thinking I was you, and I just…sort of…fell in love I guess.

 

Malon: And you think that justifies sleeping with Zelda last night?

 

Dark Link: That was just sort of…a one off. Just so see how my good counterpart lived his life. Besides, she’s the Princess of Hyrule; I couldn’t pass up that opportunity!

 

Zelda: Heh, I’m well liked it seems.

 

Dark Link: You’re alright, but Malon is better.

 

Zelda: What!?

 

Dark Link: she’s more fun, she might seem all good on the surface, but she’s a bad girl underneath right babe?

 

Malon: Well…I try.

 

Link: So…what now? We just…carry on as normal?

 

Dark Link: I don’t want to go back to the shadow world! You don’t know what it’s like there! It sucks a whole bunch, Dark Malon is ugly and Dark Zelda has a lisp, it’s annoying!

 

Link: well, I guess you can stay. If it’s alright with Malon.

 

Malon: Well…alright. As long as you promise not to sleep with Zelda again.

 

Dark Link: Cross my heart.

 

Malon: And another thing too.

 

Dark Link: What?

 

Malon: Marry me.

 

Dark Link: Done!

 

Zelda: You’ll need a new name; we can’t call you both Link, especially when we can’t tell you apart.

 

Dark Link: Yes, I lost my evil appearance when I came back, but I rather like the hair. Black hair didn’t suit me. And those red eyes? I looked like I had a hangover!

 

Link: I thought so too.

 

Malon: How about…Kink?

 

Zelda: Kink?

 

Malon: Yeah, it’s cute, sexy, and it lets people know that you’re just like Link.

 

Kink: Hmm…I like it!

 

Malon: Great! Come on then, it’s getting dark, back to the ranch!

 

Kink: What for?

 

Malon: I think you know…

 

Kink: Ooh!

 

Zelda: Ditto for you Link, come on, to the castle!

 

Link: Yay!

 

END

 

By Olly.

 

Secret funny scene! Please read!

 

Navi: Finally! We did! We defeated Gannon!

 

Link: That’s great Navi. Buzz off.

 

Navi: Huh?

 

Link: Go away…go away…

 

Navi: Why?

 

Link: Want to be alone with Zelda now, go away…

 

Navi: I can’t hear you, speak up!

 

Link: Need to tell Zelda I love her before she sends me back in time, go away!

 

Navi: What?

 

Link: GO AWAY DAMMIT!

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