KELLY LEA HARRIS
EDITED AND HTMLIZED BY
MARK MOORE AND JULIET A. SINGLETON
Sunlight streamed in through the window of the highest room of the central donjon. It glinted off a picture of the Princess of Hyrule, and alighted onto Link, lying face down in a canopy bed. His eyes opened, rather sleepily, rather annoyed. He growled, trying to hide his head under the pillow. The sunlight was persistent, and reached him netherless. So he shoved aside the pillow and sat up, stretching.
"Yeaaaaaah... Another beautiful day in the magical kingdom of Hyrule." Link stood up and walked to a standing mirror in the room. "Boring place. I use to roam the world, fighting monsters, and sleeping in mud. A hero's life! Now look at me! Living in a castle, sleeping in a bed." He grabbed the bottom of his blue nightshirt and made a mock curtsy. "Aren't I sweet? I'd like to know one good reason why I even stay here!"
Link walked to one of the other windows, throwing it open. A slab of stone rose up after he walked over it, monster eyes peered from underneath. Below him was Zelda, standing on her balcony, dressed in only her lowneck nightgown, and a crown of roses on her head.
"Ahh... Okay, so there's one good reason." He watched as a blue feathered bird fluttered to Zelda's hand. He whistled at her, and the bird flew away. "Lookin' good Princess!" Link called down to her. "Especially from this angle!"
Zelda's arms came up, covering her cleavage. Spryte, the pink dressed fairy, fluttered out, bringing a robe to Zelda. "I told you," Spryte said, helping Zelda into the robe, "you should have put on a robe." Zelda hmphed and walked back into her room. Spryte followed, halting to wave to Link.
"Oops," Link sardonically said, "Guess I offended Her Royal Prissiness.... Ahh! Huh?" A hand reached out and grabbed Link, pulling him back into the room and slamming the window shut. The same hand slammed Link's face up against the wooden slates. He was spun around to face two more blue dog-faced monsters. "Yeach! Moblin!"
"Hold him while I get the Triforce," the moblin with the spear said to the other who had emerged from the hole in the floor. The second moblin rushed over to the third moblin, the one already holding Link's arms behind his back. He grabbed Link's legs, and together they lifted him into the air.
"Hey! I'm ticklish!" Link joked. He jolted his legs, kicking the second moblin, sending that moblin flying into the side of the first- who had been about to pry the Triforce out of its levitation with the spear. The third moblin jumped onto Link's back. "Hey! You wanna dance?" Link asked. "Just ask!"
He tossed the moblin off his shoulders, sending the moblin flying through the air onto the canopy bed. The dog-face's landing shot the pillow and the nearby Magical Sword into the air, while sending the blanket enveloping him. Link leapt and caught the pillow and sword.
The second moblin got up and rushed at Link. "Pillow fight!" Link bellowed, bashing the moblin on the head with the pillow. The moblin stumbled away with a mouthful of pillow feathers. The first moblin got up and rushed at him with the spear. The moblin whacked with the spear clumsily, while Link expertly parried. "Huh?" Link noticed the moblin getting ready for a lunge.
The moblin swung the spear like a bat. Link ducked and the spear collided with a wash basin and pitcher on the nearby table. The picture of Zelda crashed onto the table, breaking and bending it. Link looked at it momentarily, then at the moblin, furry imbedded in his face. He rushed forward at the moblin with the spear.
"Hey, it's been fun," Link said to the moblin as he whacked about with his spear, "but the other customers are getting impatient." The second moblin spat out the feathers and pulled out a sword. and rushed at Link. The third moblin found his way out from under the blanket. The first moblin smacked the ground with the spear, missing his intended target. Link simply tight-rope walked right up the spear and planted the pillow on the moblin's head. He jumped away, just as the moblin with the sword ran into the one with the spear, sending both to the floor.
Link somersaulted, ricocheting off the wall, landing with both hands on his own sword. "Guys, it's been a blast," he rose, sword ablaze with energy, turned and knelt again, "but you're going home!" He shot the two moblins still entangled on the floor. "And tell Ganon if he really wants the Triforce," he raised the sword over his head, aiming it behind him, not bothering to turn around, "he'll have to get it himself." The thrown energy bolt hit the last moblin, making him vanish as well. It his defeat, the moblin dropped a bow of bone.
"Okay! That's better," Link beamed in sing-song. "That's how I like to start a morning!" He bent down and picked up the bone bow the moblin had left behind. "Hah! And a magic bow as a souvenir." He got up and shoved the end of his sword into the chest his garb lay atop. He reached for his belt and shoved the bone bow into his magic beltpack. It shrank as it went in with a small flash of light.
"Huh?" Link moved over to the door, ready to strike whatever lay on the other side.
"Link," Zelda's voice was muffled through the wooden door. "It's me, Zelda."
"Oh yeah!" Link put his hand on his head in a sort of duh, I forgot pose. "After saving the Triforce, the hero gets his reward." He opened the door, lips puckered, ready for a kiss.
"OW!" Link retreated back through the doorway.
"Don't you ever whistle at me ever again!" Zelda shoved her face into Link's face.
Link held a hand up to his face, where Zelda had slapped him. "I may never whistle again, period!" Zelda pushed past Link into the room.
"Don't you ever clean in here?"
Yes, the room did look like a disaster zone. "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!" Link mocked bowed. "If I had know you were coming, I would have asked the moblins to sweep up before I zapped them."
Zelda turned her attention to Link. "There were moblins in here? When?"
"About ten seconds ago. About..." three "...uh... fifteen of them! Arm to the teeth! Naturally, I fought them off, risking my life to save the Triforce and your kingdom. But I don't expect any reward. No sir! Just a smack in the face is enough for me!"
"Oh, Link," Zelda turned away bashfully. "I'm sorry, but you made me mad."
"No kidding," Link brought his had back up to his slapped cheek to indicate he had been able to figure that much out on his own.
"Anyway, this is the third attack by Ganon this month. We'll have to be on our guard."
"We, Princess?" Link asked.
"By we- of course I mean you." Zelda pointed at Link to reinforce her point. "Stay here today and guard the Triforce."
"Aw, Princess. It's too nice a day!" Link indicated the first open window, the one that streamed in the light that had awoken him.
"Don't argue!" Link took a step away from Zelda's pointing finger. "The Triforce must be guarded. And I'm already late to judge the magician's contest." She pulled her robe tighter around her, turning away from Link and advancing to the door.
"I knew I could count on you, Link," Zelda turned and patted his cheek. "Bye." She closed the door.
Realizing he had just been out-maneuvered, Link snarled. "nnAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
Ganon snarled, "nnAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Blast! Blast! Blast! Blast!" Ganon vanished and reappeared in a different spot with each out burst of 'blast!' "You idiots have bungled it, again!"
Floating in the writhing pink gasses of the Evil Jar, one moblin spoke up. "Sorry, Ganon," was all he offered.
"You'll be sorrier..." Ganon raised his hands, blasting energy into the Evil Jar, shocking and surging through every monster in its confines. Every monster jolted and sezured. The last of all, the moblins who had invaded North Castle. They burst in pain. Ganon snapped his fingers, vanishing just to reappear on his throne. "Obviously," Ganon thought out loud, "if I want the Triforce of Wisdom, I'm going to have to get it myself." Again he vanished, reappearing in the middle of the floor, levitating in a sitting position in front of the Triforce of Power. "There is a contest of amateur magicians in Hyrule today. I shall enter that contest!" A robe flew over to him, donning itself onto him, hiding his warthoggish form.
"You're no amateur," the Triforce of Power said to him in its masculine voice. "You're a pro."
"They won't know that," Ganon replied back. With one wave of his hand, green energy circled underneath him, forming into a sedan. "Since my teleportation powers are limited in the upperworld, I'll have to travel in style." He motioned, and the swirling pink gasses of the Evil Jar parted, letting four stalfos out through a pink crisscross door. The pink crisscross vanished when the fourth stalfo zoomed through. The stalfos appeared next to Ganon, holding up the sedan. Another flick of the wrist, and the stalfos were covered with robe and helmet. "Let's go!" The five vanished.
The five reappeared just inside the entrance to the Underworld. "Ah, Hyrule. A peaceful kingdom and a beautiful day." There was no sincerity in his voice. "That will soon change. Move!" The robed stalfos moved forward.
The courtyard of North Castle was brimming with Hylian citizens. In the center of the festive activities was the Princess, sitting on the courtyard throne. Standing before her was an old man, dressed in steriotypical magician's clothing. "This is a spell I use in my garden, Your Highness," he said to the blond matriarch. "Watch." His had waved over a pathetically small tomato plant. The single tomato grew rapidly.
"Wonderful!" Zelda chortled. "It's getting bigger!"
"Huh?" The old man held the tomato away from him, the tomato was almost too big. It went from almost to definitely too big, splattering over the old man, splattering Zelda.
"Ah!" Zelda wiped some of the instant ketchup off herself.
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" an evil chuckle rose in the crowd.
"Hmmm? Who dares to laugh at me?" Zelda scanned the crowd.
The crowd parted, letting one lone robed man sitting on a sedan supported by four others through. "My name is not important," the robed figure assured Zelda. "I merely wish to enter this... contest."
"Are you an amateur magician, then?" Zelda asked.
"I am," the robed figure demonstrated, a beautiful pink, purple, and yellow bird appeared in hands a disgusting shade of brown.
"Fine. Wait your turn," the Princess said. She gestured for a magician in green to advance forward. The green garbed magician approached, shyly, hesitantly.
The robed figure's open hand slammed down on the bird, clasping it with both hands. From his hands poured a vile and obnoxious purple ribbon of smoke. He opened his hands, awaiting there, instead of the bird, was a batish like creature... a keese. "Quickly," he whispered to the awaiting keese, "fly to the tower and tell me if anyone guards the Triforce of Wisdom." The small batish leapt into the air and flew to the central donjon.
The green garbed magician leaned down, "ehUh... this is my best spell, Your Highness." He removed his left shoe and held it up. Zelda immediately leaned back, waving her hand in front of her face to ward off the odor. "It... ehUh... removes the stinkyness from my dirty socks..."
"Mmmm..You're a girl, Spryte. How can I get Zelda to pay more attention to me?" That was the first thing to greet the keese's ears. It hovered at the window, peering in.
"Who cares?" Spryte sat on Link's shoulder. Link was leaning on the Triforce's pedestal. "She's a snob. You should stick with me." On her perch on Link's left shoulder, the red haired fairy leaned and rested against his cheek."
"Spryte, you're only three inches high!"
"What? You don't like short girls?"
The keese had enough and flew back down.
The next magician up, a Hylian with skin the color of warm chocolate, waved his hand over Zelda's out-stretched hand. A small gecko appeared, inquisitively looking around. "Oh! How cute!" She brought it up to examine it closer.
The keese came down, alighting itself on the robed figure's left shoulder. "It's guarded by Link," the keese whispered into the figure's ear.
"Really?" the figure rhetorically asked. "Well, let's get him out of there, shall we?" He raised his left hand. It crackled with green energy, leaping from his had to the gecko in Zelda's
"Ahh!" Zelda gasped. The gecko leapt out of her hands, onto the stone steps. The horrified magicians backed off, giving plenty of room to the gecko... The gecko needed all the room it could get- it grew larger and faster than the first magician's tomato. It grew tall and fearsome, growing wings and spikes. It reared up, roaring, spitting out fire. Zelda screamed.
"Zelda!" Link straightened up. He turned around, rushing for the window.
"Hey!" Spryte tumbled through the air, suddenly finding her perch which had consisted of Link's right shoulder had followed its owner to the window.
"She's being attacked," Link glanced over his shoulder at Spryte. "Wait here, Spryte!" He leapt out the window, grabbing hold of a rope strung between the ramparts, slicing through it with his sword. The strung rope, instantly transformed into a rope swing, pendulumed out over the gecko-dragon. "Yahooo!"
The dragon spat more fire at the Princess. "Ahh!" Zelda tumbled out of the way, barely in time to avoid being the first in the line of potentially many dragon-baked goods.
Link dropped from the end of his swing, jumping off the dragon's neck, onto and off the dragon's snout. He landed in front of the throne, between dragon and princess. He snapped his shield out of his beltpack, just shortly before getting a blast of dragonfire. "Whoa! Toasty!" He lowered his shield to blast the dragon, but more dragonfire prompted him to raise it back up. The force of the fire pushed him along the stone- he had to brace himself against a potted plant to keep from being pushed off the edge. "Uhhhnn! Can't get a clear zap."
Zelda crawled over to one of the festive stands. She grabbed a plate overloaded with hard brown nuts, displacing the nuts. "Link! Get ready!" She tossed the plate into the air.
Link shot bolt after bolt at the plate, letting them bounce off to hit the dragon. With each hit, the dragon shrunk. One final hit... and the gecko limped away, scared. "Hah! Not bad, eh?" He sheathed his sword and shrunk his shield into his beltpack.
Zelda stormed up to his side. "What are you doing here?"
"Nothing much," Link grinned. "Just heroically saving your life. Why?"
"You're supposed to be guarding the Triforce!" she reminded him, taking hold of his chin and pushing it back away from her.
"Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess! I..."
Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm!!!! Link and Zelda looked up in the direction of Spryte's piercing high-pitched voice.
Ganon ripped off his disguising robe. "Hah! The Triforce of Wisdom! Mine! At last!"
"No! No! You can't!" Spryte darted between him and the glowing green Triforce.
"Get away, you pesky insect!" Ganon flicked his fingers, flinging Spryte into the wall. She hit it full force, coming down moaning lowly (well... relatively low). "Mine! All mine!"
"Evil is the path you choose, but evil doers always loose," the Triforce of Wisdom said it its feminine voice.
"Silence!" Ganon commanded it. He rushed for the window, leaping out with surprising agility. He landed onto the sedan, knocking the robed figures off their feet, and out of their robes. "Move it, bone heads! Get us out of here!" Ganon demanded. The unrobed stalfos got back to their feet, picked up the sedan and ran off.
"Ganon's got the Triforce of Wisdom!" Zelda gasped from the other side of the courtyard.
"And he's getting away," Link frowned. "We'll never catch him now!" Standing next to him was the old magician, who had walked up just shortly before.
"Yes we will!" Zelda grabbed one of the hard brown nuts she displaced earlier and stuck it into a crack in the ground. "Quick!" she looked at the old magician. "Your growing spell!"
The magician waved his hands over the crack, letting light rainbow sparkles settle into the crack. "Huh?" Link stared at it goggled eyed. As it grew ever larger, widening its crack, Zelda lassoed it with rope, pulling it back and tying it around the table. The plant pulled hard against the rope, trying to spring up like a catapult.
"My kind of girl," Link stood still just long enough to smirk. He leapt onto the end of the plant, directly behind Zelda. "Completely crazy!" He whipped out his sword, slashing through the rope. The plant catapulted them into the air.
"Whaaahoooo!" they both called out.
"Whooooaaaaahhh!" Link called out, as the skimmed just over the top of the ramparts and over the surrounding trees. Below them they could see Ganon on his sedan rushing to the entrance of the Underworld. They flew past, farther ahead- Zelda in Link's left hand, Master Sword in his right.
"How are we going to get down?" Zelda asked.
Does the word gravity ring a bell?
"Uh!" "Ah!" "Oh!" "Uh!" "Oh!" "Oogh!" "Huh?" "Ooh!" Link plummeted through the treetops first, into the middle of the road through the forest. Zelda plummeted through to the same spot, onto Link's lap.
"Tada! Saved your live again!" Link grinned. "Kiss me."
Zelda pushed Link away. "Look out! It's Ganon!" She was right, of course.
Ganon's sedan approached at neck breaking speed. "Faster! Faster! A secret entrance to the Underworld is just ahead!"
Zelda got off Link's lap, Link got to his knees. "I'll just slow him down a little." He pulled out his sword, aiming it at the approaching sedan. Zelda stood. A sword bolt leapt from the blade, slamming into the front right stalfo. The stalfo vanished, sending the corner down. "Eat dirt, Ganon!"
Ganon flew out of it, thrown into the grass. He looked back at the remaining three stalfos. "Get them! Now!" He got to his feet. "While I call for reinforcements." He snapped his fingers.
Link stood. "A meezly three stalfos? Hah! Take this, Princess." He pulled out the bone bow and handed it to Zelda.
Zelda's Hylian ears noticed the sound of a rising entrance behind her. The entrance pushed up a tree, opening in the middle of the road. "Wha...?... Uh... Link..." Zelda tapped Link's shoulder.
Link turned to see what Zelda was looking at. "Huh?" Four stalfos poured out of the entrance to the Underworld. "Back to back, Princess! Fast!" He undid his belt, wrapped it around himself and the Princess, and rebuckled it. Standing back to back, they looked back and forth between the two approaching groups of stalfos.
"Get them!" Ganon bellowed.
The seven stalfos rushed at the two Hylians. Zelda kicked one stalfo away while Link parried a stalfo's staff with hacking slashes. Zelda blasted one stalfo with a quick shot. Link's third hacking slash at the stalfo missed both stalfo and staff when the stalfo backed off, but his leaning forward put Zelda in just the right position to kick the first stalfo again. While Link was still leaning forward, the stalfo that had backed off, and his similarly armed skeleton companion rushed forward. Their staffs crossed right in front of Link. Link simply jerked his sword back up, launching both stalfos into the air. As they reached the apex of their launch, Link zapped them.
Ganon crept by the fighters.
Link parried another staff. Zelda once again kicked the stalfo, launching it into the air to lad right in front of Ganon. "No, you imbeciles! Get them like this!" Ganon demonstrated boxing moves to the stalfo. He laughed greedily.
"Link! They've got me!" Link looked over his shoulder, seeing that three stalfos had grabbed onto Zelda, one to each arm and the third to the bow. Ganon pulled out a bomb, lobbing it at Link and Zelda. Link jerked himself forward and down, pulling Zelda and the stalfos up. The bomb slammed into the stalfos, vanquishing them, leaving Link leaning forward and Zelda hanging upside-down on Link's back. "Thanks, Ganon!" Link looked up, still leaning forward, a little to the side to see around Zelda's blond hair. Zelda aimed the bone bow at Ganon, blasting him with an energy arrow.
Ganon quickly patted the flames out alighted by the energy arrow, dropping the Triforce of Wisdom. He looked at the last remaining stalfo, still at his feet. "Yeow! Ahh! Oohh! Ahh! Oohh!... ... ... Get them! Get them, blast you!" The stalfo stood, pulling out another bomb, lobbing that one at Link and Zelda, too.
"Link!" Zelda called out, still upside-down. "A bomb! And I'm out of bone bolt!" Link looked up at her, frowning. In one short instant, he righted himself, bringing Zelda back down. He bunted the bomb into the air with his sword. He wiped his sword at the stalfo and blasted it apart with a thrown sword bolt. "Gotcha, stalfo!"
"But I have the Triforce, you have lost!" Ganon picked the Triforce up off the ground. "Hyrule is mine!" He turned tails and ran for the open entrance.
The bomb Link had bunted into the air fell back down. Link batted at it, baseball style. "Not yet, Ganon!" The bomb sailed through the air, right into the entrance to the Underworld, right on Ganon's heels.
KA-BOOOOOM!!! The explosion was mingled with Ganon's scream. The Triforce flew up and over, landing next to Link and Zelda with a crystalline clink-clank-clunk-clink. "Tada!" Link chortled. "The Triforce. Saved the kingdom again, Princess." He had to look over his shoulder at Zelda, as they were still belted back to back. "Not bad, eh?"
"You got lucky." Zelda turned around, getting front forward to Link. "Now get this belt off."
Link also turned around, pulling Zelda's hand away from the belt buckle. "No!"
"What do you want?"
"A kiss. C'mon!"
"Then we stay like this." Link turned aside, knowing he had her. It wasn't everyone who could bribe the Princess into a kiss.
"Oh...alright," Zelda conceded, "I suppose you do deserve some reward. Just don't try make a habit of this!"
"I... I won't! I promise!" Yeah right! What are those fingers behind your back doing crossed? They leaned forward, lips ready to press...
"Hey! Knock it off, you two!" Spryte's voice suddenly demanded.
"Spryte!" Link frowned.
"Oh, I see... the belt's stuck!" Spryte looked down at their predicament (actually, Zelda's predicament). "Hmmh! I'll fix that!" Spryte zapped the belt buckle with her fairy magic, it opened, sending Link and Zelda falling backwards to the ground.
"Darn it, Spryte! I was that close!" Link held up his hand, holding his thumb and forefinger minutely apart. Zelda laughed. Spryte simply shrugged, wildly smirking.
Ganon floated around in the Evil Jar along with his minions. He floated to the glass side, pressing one hand on it, while waving his fist about. "Just wait until I get out of here, Zelda and Link! You'll pay for this!"